Love will come find you

I drench my eyes with what the world determines and titles perfect. I wash my eyes with the burning sent of perfume. And I'd get down on both knees and ask politely if I knew I would finally capture the eyes of myself. If I live through this, I promise I won't look back. It's crazy to stand tall when you feel like your missing out on life. I'm a speck in a state. Something so small, yet, I was told that I could take on the world if he'd allow me. I wonder. If this life is fake dream and I've just been living it for to long. I really do question  now. 

I give everything over to You Lord

Everything Is After The Fact

I finally found it. The song that inspired me to write again. 11:48 pm. I'm captured once again to write and to spill my guts. To release and to find. To know how to clear my mind. The things, the thoughts, the place and people, I have been holding them in when I knew all along the only thing that would help was the sound of my computer keys following my every touch.  I've shattered my knowledge that led me to believe I knew the depth and greatness of my God. I run away from the thought of judging people because the person my mirror reflects has a lot to work on herself. I feel so busy, as always, but I fill every empty minute with a task because I don't really want to hear my own thoughts. I can't face how I've been doing. I don't want to find out. Probably a scary thought. But I haven't been letting myself think about it much. I have been pulling and poking at every aspect in my life. I have so much to get out, I really shouldn't have waited this long to write. School has been the most constant and regular friend that knocks on my door. It's finally freeing to know my grammar and miss communicated ideas and my miss spelled words don't count against me. There is no grade for my thoughts, as some might believe. I have a disguise hiding something within me, but I haven't pin pointed it. I can write a million words and it may seem like I'm insane train wreck, and I might be, but I'm writing free, just don't take it literal if you don't know the reality. 

I give everything over to You Lord

The life of a modern hippie

Why is it, that the urban, 'unknown coffee shop' style of life is so appealing to this generation? I pled guilty though, because I have fallen into the dream of wanting to live in Washington or China and live the urban-rough-sheek lifestyle, as well. Listen to the 'not so trendy', but catchy, indie music. To shop at the thrift stores that typical people mark as garbage. To use a red umbrella while walking to work. To sit with just those 4 close friends at a dinner party in the shabby but beautiful duplex just a few blocks down from me. To have not much more then my computer, clothes, food, and my camera. To walk tall but not receive attention. To dance at my favorite underground spot with that one guy and that one girl, it's impersonal, we don't know each others names. Maybe one day I will steal the stage of the urban streets of L.A. or New York, or maybe I'll continue on my hot streak and stay the in the summer sun or Arizona. We'll see, now won't we!

I give everything over to you Lord

I WILL

Shadows fallow me and dreams cry for my attention

Determination is the least I could do to balance my future

My other life, as they call it, seems to be deteriorating 

But my heart is still big enough for the things I take joy in

I complete one thing while another falls apart

I prayed for this, but I never saw it coming down to this. 

I am walking in the dreams I've asked my King for

I'm walking tall

I know my God

My God is a beautiful wonder 

But I am desperate to know Him deeper

To experience Him greater

I dance to the beat of music

But my soul dances to the beat of my Lord

I want to know my Father

I want to seriously KNOW my Father

I'm desperate

And.

I've been told that desperation will lead to results

I give everything over to You Lord

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I give everything over to You Lord

Aint' No Buddy The Same

Memories, a box just for you and I 

Deep, easy breathes, captivating sighs 

Perfect kisses not so perfect lies 

The candles are blown out

The wax is still hot to the touch 

Falling asleep still wouldn't be enough

Quick days and long nights 

Terrible day dreams 

Death defining star light 

"I need a break from my worrisome heart"

Keep them close before anything starts 

Choose a cup that you'd be proud to lift up

I give everything over to You Lord

A Little Unbroken

Life sometimes gets to a point where it's to crazy to write, when your still right in the middle of it. Well, I may not be all the way out of the craziness, but I can see some clarity and some hope. Some! I am beginning a journey that will last a life time, not because of anyone or anything, but because God's grace of showing Himself to me in a new light. Yes, in fact He, my Father, has used people and situations, and I'm beyond thankful. 

I have been learning, and always will be learning, what true forgiveness looks like, what true love looks like, what true redemption looks like, what true happiness looks like, and what true help looks like. I feel so jaded, for all these years, never seeing God in such a raw, real, relevant way. Although I'm blessed now, that I'm getting to see Him in this beautiful light. I just realized that I'm making this sound "Happy Ever After" like, and it will be a happily ever after, but it's not always so happy in the times where I have to show true forgiveness, or true love, or redemption, happiness, or lend a hand that is meant to truly help. Worth it though, I must add. 

I've seen so many intricate details about God that leads me to more and more and more and more, and then my mind literally can't handle His power and how heavily this world should be worshiping Him, He's worthy. 

I've learned new, wonderful life long lessons, but I learned through tears and pain, heartbreak and vulnerability, anger and anxiety, depression and devastation, loneliness and abandonment, and all those wonderful things led me to be crushed and destroyed. It's a dark, scary place, where I slept a lot of nights, managed to function through the day, and walked around with every intention or riding my car off the freeway into a ditch. Reality check, the devil is a conniving corrupter. 

I'm seeing now, in small quantities, glimpse's of hope, freedom, redemption, and LIFE! I'm seeing a new, refreshing life. Well, I suppose not really a new life, but a new perspective and outlook. I've heard that 10% is your situation and 90% is how you react. That's true, I really think if your able to control how you react then that's excellent, (not always possible), but it sounds good! 

My thoughts met gravity and the splattered all over this page, hopefully it's not to much in shambles. Enjoy the thoughts that requires a real life to be lived. 

I give everything over to You Lord