To Live & Give Like No One Else

Do you ever feel like you're fighting a silent battle? 

No one sees your struggle, your determination, your weak and weary heart - but you keep fighting! 

Well, my husband, Kasey, and I took the leap into marriage almost a year ago now. One area that we've been told could and WILL cause tension in our marriage is finances. Which makes sense, finances are a huge part of survival in this world. Money provides you the opportunity to buy something special for those you love. Go out to eat cause you're just exhausted from work. It gives you the ability to travel and see the world. To keep a roof over your head. And to bless others! Money is super important!

Prior to even getting married, Kasey and I discussed our financial situations. The debt we have, our finance goals and what makes us worry or feel secure about finances. I shared that I have never had a credit card, nor do I ever want one. My parents have blessed me by paying for my school, which means we are making NO payments for school. Basically, I worked really hard to fill up my savings and not buy things on credit. (All thanks to my parents teachings and financial help). So I had about $6000.00 saved by the time we were getting married. Kasey and I had a combined total of around $3000.00 left to pay in mine and his wedding rings. (I made him a custom ring, and it was a pretty penny, and worth every bit of it!) Kasey ended up in the hospital, for a week, about 4 months before we got married. We basically consumed $26,143.30 in medical bills by the time we got married. (Talk about daunting) Kasey shared, before we got married, about his one credit card that was around $7000.00. And his school debt totaling around $62,000.00 (give it up for those private Christian schools, YO!). Needless to say, it was a lot of money. Well, it STILL IS a lot of money. Those are BIG numbers.

I'm very passionate about personal finances! Seriously, you can ask my husband! So naturally, knowing the kind of financial state we started with, I brought up the idea before we got married, to take a little bit of time every Saturday to discuss finances. Since people warned us about potential financial strains, we took a proactive approach to be on the same page, EVERY WEEK, when it came to our finances. Airing out our dirty laundry was messy at first, but it has given us the opportunity to adjust and budget accordingly. It hasn't been easy, but from day one of our marriage, we've made an agreement to start paying off debt, to live within our means, and to become financially free! We use the envelop system, which means we have actual physical envelops of every expense we have. And every two weeks we take out all but $200.00 from our checking account and use cash to budget our life out. And we use the $200.00 we leave in our account for gas and emergencies if we're out and don't have the envelop we need.

This is what we've accomplished after being married just under a year:

- Within the first three months of marriage, we made big payments and paid off our rings. So we brought $3000.00 down to ZERO! A very happy day in our home! That felt like a small but encouraging feat to keep us going and paying off all the rest of our debt. 

- On January 27th, 2015, Kasey called me, on my way home from work, and told me he had big news. I got home, he told me to sit down, and explained that insurance covered, $8157.81 of our medical debt. Which means we still had $16,223.30 - BUT, he said that the amount was totally dismissed (I still have no idea how), and we only had to pay $1,762.00. Which we have already paid off! Not to mention another couple thousand we have paid off from different colonoscopies, doctors' visits, prescriptions, etc. Our medical debt is done and GONE!  

- We've been slowly working at our $7000.00 credit card debt. It's not gone, but it's so close! We did a balance transfer from our one credit card to another, in order to receive no interest rates on $2000.00 of that amount. I am happy to say, that Kasey and I are one more paycheck away from paying off that $2000.00 bucks. And, we are on track to pay off the rest of the credit card debt by May or June of 2016! Yes!!! We can't wait to have no more credit card debt. And in about 6 months, WE WON'T! 

- As for that big school loan number, well, I wish I could say it's gone, BUT, it's not yet! We've been making payments on it and slowly bringing that number down. People act like I should just keep our school debt around like it's a pet. But that's not our goal, nor our desire. So we will keep paying minimum payments on the school debt until next May or June (once our credit cards are paid off), and then we will dump anything and everything we can into paying that little sucker off!

But we have good news! God keeps blessing us. Kasey just recently got a new job, and a pay raise to go with it! This means, we can achieve our goals faster. I just recently set up my 401(K), and now Kasey will have the room to do the same. This will help us prepare for a better future down the road. 

I hope my writing and excitement about finances isn't fooling you - it has been really rough at times in the West household. Kasey and I both sacrifice a lot in order to make $600.00 payments a month in just our credit cards (alone). We hardly ever eat out. We make breakfast, pack snacks and lunch every day, and we also make dinner every night. We live off $100.00 for groceries each week, and we make it WORK! We don't take lavish vacations, go out and see movies on the weekends, or buy things on a whim. And at times, it feels like we're drowning in debt. There has been Friday and Saturday nights where I curl up on the couch with Kasey and cry, just sharing how hard it is to be diligent and careful with our money. It's hard to see others going to concerts, traveling, buying houses and getting new cars while we look at each other and understand that's not where we're at in life. Not yet at least! 

I listen to Dave Ramsey, A LOT! His ministry and story keeps me motivated, encouraged and hopeful for our future. I have been laughed at, made fun of, and talked down to because of the way Kasey and I are handling our money. It doesn't make sense to everyone. I've been asked why we would strive so hard, especially in the first year of marriage, when there are so many other stresses. My answer is, we want more years of our life not "just making it" financially, but instead thriving, helping our kids pay for their college, and blessing others with random gifts just for the fun of it! 

"When you keep doing smart stuff for 5 days you have a good result, but when you do smart stuff for 5 years you really start to see a thing take on a life of its own." "You have to live like no one else, in order to live and give like no one else!" 

- Dave Ramsey 

So, we march on! Making small dents in our financial debt, while we learn to enjoy the process. God has been so good to us, and we've learned so much about Him and each other. We have learned what makes us feel secure and what things are important to us. We've seen God provide in big and unusual ways and I know he will continue to. We will continue to fight our quiet battle, and make choices that will lend us a greater future! 

I give everything to You Lord 

We're done with 2014?

You know those days, months, and years that you can't wait to be over? The times that seem like nothing is going right, everything has been crazy, and you just want a dose of relief? As I look back on twenty-fourteen, I am truly in awe of how much life has happened in JUST one year. My sister and I recently chatted about some major events that have taken place over this year, the good stuff, the hard stuff, and the amazing miracles that have taken place.

Then we agreed that if 2015 is less hectic, we wouldn't be mad! 

I want to share some amazing things that have happened over this past year.
Not to show a highlight reel, but to hopefully show you how good God has been to my family & I. 

My lovely sister, after years of dreaming of being a momma, became a stunning and super amazing mother to the cutest nephew an aunt could ask for! Although she was sick pretty much her entire pregnancy, Luke and her managed to produce quite a charming young man! It's been an awesome experience to watch my sister navigate motherhood. Her transparency, and openness about the good days and the hard days, shows me how much she desires to love her little man! So blessed to have an ever growing family.

Kasey and I got engaged! In June! In Portland! It was wonderful! We were so excited to get engaged and to be surrounded by loving friends and family. 5 months later, we got married. I might be a bit bias, but it was the most amazing wedding, EVER! I married a man that God plopped into my life as one of my best friends, never realizing that he would one day be my husband! I couldn't have picked a better human being to walk through life with. To fight for God's best for our lives, and to navigate through the madness of life. He's irreplaceable & incomparable! I'm officially MRS. WEST!

After Kasey and I got engaged, he started experiencing some pretty serious health issues. So the time that is usually spent celebrating our engagement, was actually spent figuring out how to operate with each other. It was a very good, and hard test of our relationship. After spending a week in the hospital, Kasey being out of work for two months, getting blood transfusions and having tons of tests done, he is healthier now. The scare of almost losing your soon-to-be husband, is enough to stress a girl out. But in those dark times, we saw God moving, working, healing, renewing, and drawing us closer to Him. Kasey and I figured out, before our wedding, that we truly meant, "in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor."

Last year in October, my sweet little niece was born! The next day, we found out that she was born with heart complications and she had to receive open heart surgeries. It was a scary time. Wondering, hoping, and praying that this little warrior would make it. But she's proven to us all, that she's a fighting, a very determined fighter! This year, in October, we got to celebrate this beauties first birthday. A miracle celebration that was lathered with the reminder of God's grace, His goodness, and His healing power. She's a walking testament to her parents love and prayers, and God's sweet reminder to live fully, love passionately, and waste no time on tomorrows but to live in each moment, today!  

Now, this picture may not look like much, but to me, it screams that God is faithful. It's a moment that I truly cherish. I have gotten to share my heart a few times at the women's event at my church, and each time I'm asked to hold a mic, I'm humbled. I had to make some really hard decisions in life to hold onto what I felt like God was calling me to. This is just a little glimpse of how God has shown me that He will bless me in my faithfulness, even if no one notices my efforts or acknowledges my desires to remain steadfast. He shows me daily, that He is watching over my life.

On top of all that, I've enjoyed countless cups of coffee with people who trust me enough to share their lives, their hurts, and their struggles with me. I've celebrated birthdays. Moved into a new place. Attended weddings. Wrote new spoken words and sketched new drawings. Seen God move and change lives in the youth students I do ministry with. Learned more about myself. My God. & My husband.

And although so much was packed into one year, I don't want to rush into 2015 to escape the madness of 2014. I actually feel quite lucky to look back over this past year and remember and embrace every life event. I'm thankful for each moment that exposed, even more, how thoughtful, loving, detail oriented, and personal my God is.

As I finish out 2014, I have so many things that I am looking forward to. All the new visions, dreams, ideas, plans, goals, and adventures that have yet to come to life. I am so expectant for the new things that will unfold in twenty-fifteen. I am anxious, in the best way possible, to see the amazing ways God will show Himself to me and to my family.

I'm ready to kick some major butt in 2015. Let's do this!

Cheers to 2015!  

 I give everything to You Lord

We Will Not Back Down

I haven't given an in depth update of how life looks and how my sweet fiance's health has been. Cause to be honest, it's exhausting. We have shared progress with family and our church, when we are asked in person. But other than that, we are just walking out of our journey, and that takes most of our energy most days. Just the other day, I was sitting at Starbucks alone getting filled up in the Word, and a girl walked over and tapped me on the shoulder and softly says, "Are you Kasey's fiance." I proudly said, "Yes!" She explained that she went to school with Kasey and had seen my blog posts and wanted to see how we've been. A very sweet gesture.

I was already thinking about writing another blog post to update everyone on how life has been, and how Kasey is actually doing, but after we had talked, it reminded me of something really important. The disease Kasey has been diagnosed with is real, and challenging, but Kasey and I want to be known for glorifying our God and not his diagnoses. So I write, although feeling exhausted, because I need to share how good, how faithful, how powerful, and how personal our God is.

This is what things look like now! Kasey and I, a few weeks ago, didn't go to his scheduled doctors appointment as a step of faith. We felt like there was something more God had for us, besides taking out his colon out or going on immune-altering shots that he would need for the rest of his life. That same day, we sifted through all the information doctors told us, everything we read, and through all the suggestions from family and friends, and came to the same conclusion. Surprisingly, we settled on something that was seemingly unrelated, and the very thing that doctors said had nothing to do with Kasey's condition. Food! We agreed on food! We decided, there has to be a connection between what he's putting into his body and what comes out of his body. Right? Pretty logical! I will remember the night we decided to change our lifestyle. It was that peace, that didn't make sense, that was illogical, and up until that point, we had felt crazy that every doctor told us that diet was completely irrelevant and unrelated. But that's what we agreed on. And even if we WERE crazy, we made the decision together, and we both were in full agreement. Even that felt like a small victory, and we take what we can get these days!

We decided to cut out gluten/wheat, dairy, grains, and seeds. Ha! It makes me laugh even writing it. Out of everything, that was our conclusion. Kasey and I have always eaten more healthy and both are knowledgeable enough to make an educated decision about our dietary journey. We have completely changed what we put into our bodies, everyday meal, everyday! We have been strict and very particular. I have also joined Kasey in this new change. Because part of my commitment to him is walking with him, fully, through the things he does. With our wedding just a few months away, I figured, it's better to mesh our eating styles now in order to create an easier transition into married life. So we eat a lot of really good food. A lot of colorful food! Our meals consist of meat, veggies, fruits, eggs, and anything that isn't processed.

And can I please be the first to announce that Kasey did not have to go back to the hospital. He isn't getting his colon removed. And his bleeding has subsided. Most days consist of texts from my fiance which read, "No blood!" That is our miracle. That is our God showing up in our lives. That is our reminder that God hears our cries, knows our life, and provides real and practical help to us. Has our diet helped? We believe it has made a huge impact, but that dose not discount or negate the work God is doing behind the sense to completely heal and restore Kasey's body.

This is what I have decided. Kasey and I are called to serve God and love people, and that is exactly what we plan on doing. I had a conversation with God. It probably sounded more like me preaching to God, but I told Him this,

" Kasey and I will serve you. If Kasey does not receive full healing and this is our life long battle, then we will still serve you. I believe that You will grace us with the resources and wisdom we need to navigate through life with whatever comes our way. You wouldn't call us and put a plan and a destiny over our lives, so we can sit at home and squander it. You gave us a plan and a purpose because through us You will do a good work. So if You want to use us, please, have Your way. But weather You like it or not God, we will not leave our post. We will stand our ground. And we will serve You in the best ways we know how."

I don't know if God appreciates my spice. But He has loved me in a way, which no other has matched, that my life will forever be spent sharing that same love with others. So Kasey and I march on! Warriors for a cause bigger than our circumstance, and we trust that God has our best interest in mind! Please, continue the prayers, that has been huge for Kase and I during this process.

Our God is so good. Like, really, really good!


I give everything over to You Lord

It's Not A Sprint, It's A Marathon

Since my last update about finding out that Kasey has a disease called Ulcerative Colitis, he and I have had to pray and discuss a lot about what our life looks like now, and what kind of treatment options we feel are best suited for him. We would both like to thank those of who have been praying along side us. This journey has been hard so far, and we are so thankful for your support, love, and encouragement. To put it nicely, it has been a whirlwind of emotions, questions, confusion, and concerns. Even with our wedding just a few short months away, Kasey's health has been our priority in life. Our thoughts and our energy have gone into making sure Kasey is the healthiest he can be. We have almost had to put a pause button, momentarily, on everything else, just so we can truly feel confident about our big life decisions about his health. Everything that the doctors are offering us are all life altering options. As my sister-in-law put it, "Kasey and I are having to grow up faster then others, by making decisions that others never have to think about." Needless-to-say, it's a lot.

After getting out of the hospital, Kasey and I have shared excitement with each other for what God has done in his life. Everything seems like a victory. When he eats and doesn't automatically go to the bathroom, we rejoice. (You never realize what you will be thankful for until it is taken away from you). Although we have been able to see some great strides in the right direction, we have recently been experiencing more setbacks. I took Kasey to get a sigmoidoscopy, last week, in oder for the doctors to do follow up tests on how his colon is doing. Which meant, again, my sweet love was put under and the doctors checked him out. Surprisingly his colon looked beautiful! (Things I never thought I would say).

Unfortunately, after the procedure, Kasey's bleeding started getting worse, and it was very reminiscent of his condition before going into the hospital. So, back to the GI we went. This time, the doctors physician (who was with us some of the time in the hospital), told us that since the steroids weren't working, we would need to look into a more "promising" alternative. She suggested removing his colon or going on immune-altering medication. Not the type of promising suggestions we were looking for. So we left the doctors office and told them we would have to do some serious research and some serious discussing. But we only have so much time with Kasey losing blood. We can't just take a month to pray over everything and visit other doctors offices and ask hundreds of questions, we need to make decisions and we need to make them now. Such a stressful position we are put in. And not to mention that stress makes ulcerative colitis worse - it is like a mean game the disease plays on us.

When I have said that this affects our whole life now, I am not using that term for dramatic affect, it literally alters the way we do things now. What we eat, where we go, how we resolve conflict in our lives, how much we commit to people and responsibilities, and how we view and respond to our relationship with God. Our date night consists of me checking Kasey's pulse in the movie theater, and sitting at our dinner table reading articles about how God uses suffering. Life is just different, not bad, just different.

Kasey and I believe that God could still heal Kasey any moment. But He hasn't, which means we are sifting through tons of information in order to make the best decisions with what we have been given. While this time before our wedding is usually spent planning, preparing, and figuring out ways to celebrate, we have found a new appreciation for each others love and are learning to celebrate in the things that mean the most to us. The way we do things now, is very different. We have to consciously do things on our time, when it isn't the most convenient for us, in order for us to make sure we are slowing down in life and taking care of Kasey's health.

We have grown a new appreciation for the suffering Jesus went through when dying for us. We spend time reading scriptures that remind us that we are not alone in the minimal suffering we are experiencing. We pray a lot. And then we pray more. We do whatever we can that works for us in any given moment when things are hard and confusing. We are learning to trust God, more, with our whole life and believing that He will honor the steps we take. Since there is no big flashing sign that says, "DO THIS," we are having to step out in faith even when we don't see an end or solution to his health issues.

All we ask for, continually, is prayer. Prayer for our decision making. Prayer for wisdom. Prayer for health. Prayer for miracles. And prayer for unity, strength, and a joyful spirit, as we walk through this journey. We are becoming more and more aware, that this isn't a sprint to the finish, it is a marathon that needs endurance. So pray for us if we come to mind - that would be a huge blessing for the both of us.

I give everything to You Lord

Our Trip To The Hospital

Kasey, my fiance, and I have been dealing with some health issues that have come up in Kasey's life. We have been worried, confused, and desperately seeking answers. The depth of our worry has increased this past month because his symptoms have gotten worse. For about 6-7 months, Kasey has had bleeding in his stool (large amounts of blood loss) so we went to get a colonoscopy to see if there was anything the doctors could see from the results. We had a follow up appointment 2 weeks after to discuss things with the doctor. He was diagnosed with a disease called Ulcerative Colitis. The doctor explained what the disease entails and he order a low dose of steroids to try to stop the bleeding. Well, it didn't work.

Kasey started feeling even worse, so he became

adamant about informing the doctor all of his symptoms. He was experiencing things like, high blood pressure, faint, light headed, winded, exhausted, short of breath, and at one point we were sitting on the couch and Kasey turned to me and said, "I feel like I could literally have a heart attach any minute." It was very scary. The doctor told us on Monday (July 14th) that he wanted him to get a blood test done, to check his hemoglobin levels since he had been loosing so much blood in his stools. This was the first time something registered for Kasey and I. Low blood count would equal faintness and fatigue, we looked at each other and knew that this effected out spirit the same, positive, way. So Kasey went the next day, Tuesday (July 15th), to get the testing done. By Wednesday (July 16th) they called him back and said, "You need to go to the ER right now. You have the potential of passing out any second. Your hemeglobin level is at 5.9." (Kasey and I had no idea what 5.9 really meant and what normal blood levels should be at. Come to find out, they do blood transfusion when blood levels hit 8. And he was far beyond that point) I got a call at work on Wednesday, from Kasey, telling me what the doctor had said. I grabbed my keys and I left work. Driving to his house felt like a million miles away, I had no idea what to expect, and honesty got worried that I might lose him.

I picked him up and we were off to the ER. The nurse that took us to check his vitals and get him admitted was shocked to hear that his levels were at 5.9. I didn't understand still, so I asked, "What should normal blood levels be at." Come to find out, for a guy like Kasey, on the lower end of normal, his blood levels should be around 11-12. They got us situated in a room and we found out that Kasey was going to need a blood transfusion. We naively asked, "So, how long will this take? 5 hours? 10 hours?" The doctor politely looked at us and said, "Probably over night." This, in a weird way, was God's way of answering our cries

and prayers for healing, resources, and answers. I sat next to Kasey in his bed and told him, "This isn't exactly how I thought God would answer our prayers." But being at the hospital was an answer to prayer, we just didn't know it was how God needed to bring us peace. Well, 5 days and three pints of blood later, we are still at the hospital. His levels only went to 8 after all the blood he received, which the doctors told us his blood count was probably closer to 4. They said he could have gone into cardiac arrest. So Kasey was right that night we were sitting on our couch, he could have had heart complications and possibly died. A very scary realization that we both faced this past week.

So now what? Kasey and I are making due with what we have. These are the cards we've been dealt and this is the life we have been given. We are making the best of this whole situation and praising Jesus for Kasey's life, along the way. The disease Kasey has, doctors say, is a life long condition. It may go into remission with occasional flare ups, but it is something that we will have to work through indefinitely.

And as much as I don't want to settle for the diagnosis we've heard from the doctor. It is hard to stand our ground and say, "We believe that God is going to do a complete healing of Kasey's body." I'm sure that sounds so hopeless and pessimistic, but it's where I am at. We believe that God is capable, we believe that He can heal Kasey in the snap of a finger, but we also know that if God doesn't heal Kasey over night, that our God isn't any less loving or faithful. I want to see miracles happen in Kasey's life. Kasey wants to see miracles happen in his life. So, as he and I work through doubts and questions and concerns, all we ask from you, is to pray. Pray that Kasey would experience an unexplained, powerful and miraculous healing. That his body would be made whole, and that we would be provided with the proper wisdom on how to best take care of his body from here on out. Pray for miracles! While we know that Kasey needs to be in the hospital right now, we have both talked about the expensive hospital bills and other responsibilities we have. Trying not to worry but instead just trusting that God would continue to provide for us. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially. Please pray with us and for us! We would love your support in this new journey of finding a deeper sense of hope, a strengthen faith, and a positive outlook when it comes to life in and after the hospital.

I am so thankful for Kasey's life. He is still wildly passionate even in his hospital bed. I can't wait to see the comeback of my strong and contagious man. The enemy would love to knock him out of the game, but he has too much to offer this world, God isn't done using him, and He isn't done building a beautiful testimony.

Cheers to an amazing story that is being written before our eyes.

I give everything over to You Lord

A Heart To Serve - Wildly, Passionately, Eternally

I had the privilege of being recorded for a piece that was shown at my church - City of Grace. This video was, unexpectedly, really challenging for me to film. I am extremely passionate about serving and I have served at my church, in the youth ministry, for the past 8 years. I have been a part of the same ministry for a total of 11 years. So when asked how serving in the ministry has impacted my life - a flood of emotions and memories came rushing back. I have had to sacrifice so much throughout my life to remain consistent with serving. I have lost friendships, a romantic relationship, I gave up outside activities, lost sleep, comforted broken hearts late at night, all with the purpose of remaining faithful to my church and my relationship with God. My desire has been to mimic the heart of Jesus - His love, His care, His faithfulness, and His sacrifice.

Here is a look into my life and my journey of serving - one of the toughest most rewarding parts of my life!

Grace Storie - Sheena Starks from Sheena Starks on Vimeo.

I give everything over to You Lord

Hello 2014

As I say "Goodbye" to 2013, I am left with more than distant memories. I am proud to say that I am able to take away several important lessons that will last me a lifetime.

This past year (2013) has been a defining year in my life. With so many changes and difficult decisions that I had to process through, I am leaving this year with a new appreciation for life. A new appreciation for my relationship with God, a new appreciation for family, friends, finances, work, church, and my relationship with my sweet boyfriend, Kasey.

This year, God was faithful to refine me. He showed me the areas of weakness in my life, He showed me that I am truly willing to give up anything to serve Him with my whole heart and He helped me grow a little more comfortable and confident in my own skin. This year was one of the most challenging seasons I've walked through. But I would walk through it again if it meant that I could fall more in love with my Savior.

This past year has felt like a launching pad for the greatness that God is going to do in 2014. A launching pad for the new adventures I'll take, the new people I'll meet, the new beginnings I'll create.

In 2013, there were a few areas in my life that I decided that I wanted to fight in order to see something beautiful be created. I decided that I didn't want any broken friendships in my life. I made a stand to mend any awkward or off-ish relationships I had. So I did. I put myself out there and built friendships with certain girls that I had previously disregarded. Instead of keeping them at arms distance, I embraced them with an authentic love, and forced myself into uncomfortable situations in order to mend the brokenness that, I felt, lingered between them and myself. I am thrilled to say, they embraced me back and I stand on good terms with them now. My desire is to be someone who people feel like they can run to in a time of need or if they are desperate for comfort. That is what sparked the whole thought in the first place. I am pleased to see those friendships made whole.

2013 has also birthed within me a new vision and inspiration for my future plans with work and with ministry. I couldn't be more excited to embark on a new journey! I decided that I wanted to start my own business and become my own boss. A scary, overwhelming and daunting project and I have no idea how I am going to accomplish it. But I am determined to go after the things I want in life, and my own business is definitely something I am excited to start.

Another vision that has caught fire in my heart is my long time dream of developing and running an urban art street ministry. I have had this dream for several years. I have dreamt of creating a place of refuge for the lost and forgotten. A place for lower socioeconomic youth and young adults to come as they are and leave filled up with a new passion for life. I have been blessed with the honor of having a boyfriend who is just as passionate as I am about loving people. Kasey understands it. He gets the vision and the dream, and has the leadership qualities to accomplish it. I couldn't be more excited to partner with the most breath-taking person I know. We are starting small and working our way, slowly, to our goal. Kasey and I have started saving money, we meet up and work on programming and our mission and vision. I know the hard work, late nights and dedication that it will take to make our dreams a reality, but I am as ready as I'll ever be.

There are so many areas in my life that I am excited to see develop into something beautiful. 

Here is my thoughts for 2014... 

I am excited to deepen my relationship with God and I am ready to build deeper relationships with those around me. 2014, I will fight every battle that arises. I will seek out the areas in my life that I want to improve and actually do something about them. My desire is to learn to love Kasey in a greater way, as we continue to build a dynamic friendship. I will spend time with family, try new foods, go to new places, make mistakes, learn from my mistakes, become a more equipped youth leader, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, girlfriend and aunt. This year, 2014, will be a year of new beginnings and new milestones. Cheers to a brilliant and happy NEW YEAR! 

I give everything over to You Lord

I call her "Q"

When I see or meet people, I observe a lot about them. I try to learn their body language, their sayings, their humor, their interests and their likes and dislikes. But most of all, I try to learn about their heart and the natural way that God has designed them. Once you sift through the insecurities, break down walls and build trust, you usually start to see the essence of who somebody is.

The friendships and the people that God has allowed to enter my life are always beautifully orchestrated. He mends and connects people with me in the most unlikely ways. He never seizes to amaze me! He has taught me a lot about friendships and pursuing people. Some of the main concepts God has taught me through building relationships is, people take time, pouring into people can be exhausting but it is always overshadowed by the beautiful blessings it brings, and "change" is not the prerequisite for an authentic friendship or for unconditional love.

Consistent with the way my friendships have gone, I have been able to build a solid friendship the sweet and "swag-a-lishous," Quincie, but it has been a long process with lots of building blocks!  For years now, Q and I have been building on our friendship and it has been slow but steady. We started off our friendship connecting on so many levels. We gladly found out that we both had a passion for dance, art/graffiti, fashion, humor and we have walked through very similar struggles. Through all of the ups and downs in life, I am so blessed to say I have been able to pray and stand with Q during the great seasons and during the tough seasons. I have spent hours praying, cried many tears, sought advice from people I love and respect, all for the goal of being the most equip friend I could be for Quincie. But most of all, I have fought to keep love at the center of our friendship.

To me, Quincie is not like the average girl. She has this undeniable light that radiates from her. When she enters a room heads turn. She is influential and stands with a confidence that most girls her age don't have. She has a heart of gold and she bubbles over with inspiration and passion. Some people dream of having incredible talents, but for Q, it comes natural. She is artistic and creative. She is strong-willed and easy-going. She is a product of the hip-hop culture. She won't eat chocolate ice cream. Her smile is priceless. Her braids are always fresh. When I look at Quincie, I see a brilliant future marked out ahead of her. A future that is filled with great accomplishments and the realization that her life is a gift from God and everything He has poured into her will be used to glorify Him. She won't let people in easily, but she still loves people deeply. I have had to stand outside the door of her heart until she willingly opened the door to let me in. Sometimes she only cracked the door open, but even that has meant the world to me.

Quincie recently text me. We talked for a little and I instantly knew something was up. Then, I got a text that melted my heart. It made all the years I have been desperate to understand her, absolutely worth it. The text read, "I could really use my sister right now." I have always viewed Q as my little sister and even if she doesn't like it, she will always be my little sister! (Sorry not sorry Q!) There was just something so different when I read that text this time.

It has reminded me that people are important and friendships, while they may take years to develop, are a beautiful example of the unconditional love that God pours out on us each day. So Quincie, I will be here for you, for forever. I will applaud you when you achieve your dreams and I will walk with you when you hit a speed bump and need some assistance. I am so thrilled that I get to have a front row seat to the beautiful life you are living. (Even though it doesn't always feel beautiful) Thank you for blessing me with your hugs, your dance moves, your jokes, your style, your passions and your willingness to share your life with me. I am blessed more today because of you. Thank you Q-Bird. I love you.


I give everything over to You Lord

What's Right In Front Of You?

I am ambitious! There is no other way to put it but in those plain terms. I have a little thing inside my mind that is always thinking of ways to reach for the next "GREAT" accomplishment! My ambition can be used as one of my greatest strengths and also my greatest weakness. As I have spent months and years planning for a mighty endeavor that awaits me in the future, I have spent months missing something that was right in front of me, all along.

I have worked at my current job, a web design company, for a little of two years. I have taken the same driving route to work every single day, besides a few abnormal exceptions. I drive the same freeways, sit in the same bumper-to-bumper traffic and I always get off on the same exit. 7th Street and the I10. A busy intersection that sees thousands of cars per day. It wasn't until the past 3-4 months that I started to notice a pattern. A middle aged man, standing on the right side of the road where I exit. This man, everyday, held the same sign that said, "Need money, thank you, God bless." Everyday he had the same heart-warming smile, the same friendly wave, with a limping walk which shouted that he was in pain. I have watched him stand on the road, begging and pleading for help.

Now, usually this is were the critics chime in and make claims that sound like, "He is probably an alcoholic, a drug addict or just lazy. Giving him anything would only be me enabling him." And those very well may be true! But I would like to respond to those people and say, my dad is a recovering alcoholic, personal friends of mine are drug dealers, and I know a lot of lazy people. So what's the difference? Those people, standing on the curb, can very well be someone dear to my heart, and I can't image that I would ever drive by them without stopping and saying, "WHAT are you doing? LET ME HELP!" For some reason, most of us treat the person on the side of the road with less importance and care.

We all have our own excuses, and I'm no different. Until I felt convicted. I thought about the great ambitions and dreams I've been working towards. My hope is to eventually reach intercity, lower socioeconomic homeless teens and young adults. I want to move and start an urban arts center that helps reach the "underdogs" in our world. There is nothing inherently wrong with my dreams, but the conviction came from me realizing that God was giving me opportunities to start NOW and not in the "future." My ambition was cloudy my present reality. I have driven by the same man for months and I have even waved to him. Except I drove by and never gave him food, water, clothes, or money. I had to do something different. I needed to make a change in my perspective and stop waiting until I have some expansive ministry that is helping "save the world," and instead find the urgency about helping people now! The people that are right in front of me.

One morning, I arrived down town 20 minutes earlier than usual, which never happens! Like clockwork, the same man was standing with his sign waving to each passing car. I decided that I needed to stop putting it off and take the time to go to the store. I bought sandwich bags so that I could make care-kits to keep in my car for the houseless people I meet. I filled his with a tooth brush, tooth paste, a cliff bad, chapstick and a verse I wrote on a piece of paper from my car. This was the verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Since Down Town Phoenix is filled with one way streets I had to get back on the freeway going the opposite direction in order to turn around and get off on my usual exit. I started to approach him but the light way green. I had to make a quick decision, drive past him and give him the bag the next day or frustrate all the people behind me by stopping in the middle of the exit. I did the ladder! I rolled down my window. He hurried to my car window and I handed him the bag. We both simultaneously said, "God bless you," and I drove off. The hoking of horns from those behind me were distant sounds that reminded me that our world is too much in a hurry to take care of those around us. 

The next day I woke up and packed a few extra food items that I was planning on giving him. But when I drove up to my exit I didn't see him. From the time I gave him the care-kit until now, (about a month) I have not seen him anywhere. It taught me that when God calls us to respond, we need to respond without hesitation, or else we might miss the God appointed opportunity.

I can't say that I'll always be aware and never walk by an opportunity to help someone, but my goal is to be more aware and proactive. And my hope is, you'll do the same! I don't know if anyone has told you, but combining our willingness with the power of Jesus makes a pretty powerful force! Don't miss what is right in front of you. 

I give everything over to You Lord

A Letter to Jemma Sophia

Dear my darling niece,
 Jemma Sophia

 

It has been quite the emotional week for the family since you've been born. Especially for your parents. You definitely know how to make an entrance! If you haven't been able to feel the love yet, when you grow up, you'll be able to look back and see how many people have been praying for you and how many people have sent their encouragement to all of us. You are my wonderful little niece and I love you more than words could express. This week alone, I have felt and experienced everything from pure joy and excitement to fear and nervousness. It has sincerely broken my heart to watch you go through so much. The image of you laying in the tiny bed, your second day of life, with wires attached to you everywhere, will forever be burned in my mind. That way, when God heals your strong but petite body, we can look back and praise Him for how far He has brought you. I am believing for a complete healing. A crazy-miracle-kinda healing! I think you might have enough spunk in you, Jemma, to shock us all.

I can picture it as I write you... A mighty purpose and plan that God has for your life. Although small, you are going to greatly impact the world around you, more than you already have. You will be different than the average girl. You will grow in a strength that not many of us could handle, and you will have the scares to show your story. Jemma Sophia, embrace the scares, be proud of your uniqueness and individuality. Know your boundaries and understand your limits, but never let anyone tell you that you can't accomplish something. You are going to do amazing things! I will have the privilege of witnessing it! Since you have managed to fight with unbelievable endurance these past 10 days, I highly doubt the future will be able to contain your drive, tenderness and power. I am praying over your life continually. Myself and many others are so excited for the bright future ahead of you. I can't wait to hear your laugh and to see you smile. I can almost hear the sweet sound of your voice. Jemma Sophia, I am proud of who you are, already, and I will stand firmly in the hope and healing of Jesus and anxiously watch Him perform miracle after miracle in your life. I love you Jemma Sophia Starks, you are brilliantly created and designed as a beautiful masterpiece.

Your Forever,
Tunte Sheena


I give everything over to You Lord

Daydreamer At Heart

There is nothing more enticing then my daydreams of traveling the world! Oh the idea of sipping coffee while walking through the brick-lined alleyways of Italy, or roaming the aisle's of the largest bookstore {Powells Book's} in Portland, Oregon. The inspiring thoughts of being a nomad and wondering, experiencing, and taking new adventures is so tempting to the free-spirited side of my soul! The romanticized view of my fantasies and my wishful thinking leave little room for reality and practicality! I suppose it wouldn't be such a charming daydream if I allowed logistics to ruin my minds unrestricted wondering! And let me tell you, recently, I have been practicing my wondering skills!

The realistic side of my daydreams always bring me back to earth. And it's back in reality that I remember how expensive traveling is (!), and how much preparation and time it takes to plan seemingly spontaneous getaways! While I understand the practical side of taking trips and seeing the world, I don't want to discount my desires altogether. I want channel it. To focus on ways that I can experience traveling and ways in which I can see the world, even if it's on a small scale.

For me, my dreams look like traveling and seeing the world. For you it might be something totally different. Your dreams may include a promotion at work or getting married and starting a family. Whatever your dream is, figure out how you can channel it. If your dream isn't being fulfilled right now, in this moment, sit down and really contemplate some of the small (maybe even practical) steps you can take. It could look like spending extra time learning about your business in order to be prepared and ready for if/when a promotion comes. Or it could look like learning how to trust God in a greater way, believing that He will bring a compatible partner when He sees fit.

Even if you have to start small, really, really small... It's okay! As cliche as this may sound, don't give up on your dreams. Continue a tireless pursuit to see them be fulfilled. Make your plans but let God order your steps!

I give everything over to You Lord

Reaching People

Last night, I was driving home from a long planning meeting I had for the youth ministry summer camp I am helping head up. It was an extremely exhausting meeting that lasted 6 hours. I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about how much needed to get done to pull off this huge summer camp event. I was emotionally and mentally spent. I kept repeating to myself, "Jesus, let these students encounter you. It will make these long hours worth everything. Jesus, let these students encounter you. Jesus, let these students encounter you."

On my drive home I was listening to music and singing my heart out. (This happens regularly!) I heard my phone go off. I looked down and I noticed that I had received a Facebook message from a friend of a friend. She sent me a message that read, "Hey girl!!!! Check it!!! Your story is changing lives in BC Canada!! Killer message girl! Keep doing Gods work." She also attached this photo:

 

My heart skipped a beat! 

Before receiving that message, I was questioning if all my hard work that I am putting into the ministries I am a part of, is paying off. I know it is probably not the best thing to question, but sometimes if I am not focused on the reasoning for why I do what I do, (Which is Jesus), I can start to feel discouraged. The message she sent me couldn't have come at a better time. God reminded me of this: "You do what you can do, and I'll do what only I can do!" 

I am so blessed to be a part of what God is doing. He is so incredible. He has been working behind the sense in my life, refining me, teaching me, correcting me, and continually loving me. This video and the lives it is touching is merely a byproduct of what God has done personally in my life. Having a personal relationship with Jesus shouldn't just impact your own personal life... It should undeniably impact the lives around you.

Get real with Jesus so you can experience true freedom.

I give everything over to You Lord

Breaking The Bondages Of Words

It is often times easier to identify the dysfunction and shortcomings of others. It can be more of a challenge to have an outside perspective on the areas in our own lives that we need to deal with. I want to give you some back story on why I am writing about this topic.

I have grown up living life as a true dreamer. I have always had big plans and dreams for my life, some of which I have been able to accomplish. And then there are other dreams and goals I am stirring in the eyes thinking to myself, "How will I ever accomplish this." In a perfect world, we would all love to have tons of supportive people that partner with us, through encouragement and resources, to help us achieve our goals and our life long dreams. Except, we all know that there will be people in our lives that will tell us, "We Can't," "That dream is to big," "You aren't able to do that," or whatever else those optimistic people have to say! If you can't tell already, I am writing from personal experience. I have encountered people throughout my life that told me, "I shouldn't," and "I am not qualified," to accomplish the things I feel God calling me to. Their words penetrated my heart and shook the very dreams I felt like I was called to achieve. I started to unravel at the thought that maybe what I felt like I am called to do is wrong. Or even worse, not honoring to God. My whole reason for living and my existence is to serve Jesus and I want nothing more then my life to be a walking example of that.

There has been a few specific things that I have been trying to find release and healing from. I have prayed, I have read the Word, and I have spoken with others that I love and trust. But I can still hear their words and the voices in my head. If I could be vulnerable for a minute, here are some of the things that run through my mind:

I am unqualified
I am not educated enough
I am not important
I am not pretty enough (May sound lame, but that thought is there)
I couldn't possibly be used to change the world I live in

Sad right? That I would hear these haunting voices over and over and over again, ringing in my head. But I wasn't done giving these thoughts to God. I wanted to be free. Since Jesus is so faithful to hear our hearts and knowing what we need, He opened up a very unexpected opportunity for me to continue to find healing. I had the chance to speak with one of the pastors at my church about the things that people have told me. He walked me through different steps, asking me questions, seeking answers from God, and at the end of it, I walked away surprised about the outcome. My pastor asked me this, "Who is telling you these lies." I stopped and thought about it. My responds was this... "Me." I could have given credit to the devil and blamed him for letting these thoughts creep in my mind, but he doesn't have that kind of control over my thought life. I will not give him the power to speak lies and words that destroy what God is calling me to.

I have been the one feeding the lies. Fueling them. I haven't spent enough time taking all my thoughts captive. Just because someone said something to me once doesn't mean I have to keep it on repeat for the rest of my life. Please don't misunderstand me though, I am not saying dismiss the hurt or the damage that can be caused by other peoples words. I am simply saying that in my situation, I need to stop focusing on what everyone else has said and focused on the truth. And the truth is this...  I am called.

There is a huge difference between being "qualified" and being called. In the Bible God used people that, from the outside, seemed totally unqualified. He used the young boy, David, to defeat a giant. He used a young peasant girl, Mary, to give birth to the Son of God. God used Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, to deliver the Israel from the Ammonites. Those three people alone seem the least bit equipped to tackle such honorable things in life. God wasn't looking for who was qualified, instead, it had everything to do with who He had called. I may not be called to the great things that David, Mary, and Jephthah were called to, but I do know that God is calling me to change the world in which I live. I don't know what the rest of my journey looks like, but I am learning to take my thoughts captive, to trust in Jesus, and to serve and go wherever He calls me to. Because I am called.

I give everything over to You Lord

My Feet Will Wonder Towards Adventure

Right now, I am able to look at my life and the things God is doing... and actually appreciate it! You know how some times we can miss what God is really doing in our lives? And the only way we really see the hand of God working in and through our lives is when we look back to past experiences and say, "Wow, I couldn't even see what God was doing." I know that I can't see all of His greatness working in my life, but I can see and even feel a lot of what He is doing. It is truly inspiring. To have a personal relationship with my Savior.

I was recently blessed with the chance to get out of town for a long weekend trip to Utah. I was mainly visiting my sister and my brother-in-law but had the chance to visit the church they are helping start. I have lots of amazing friends out in Salt Lake City who are serving Jesus, so it was incredible to spend time with them as well! I knew the trip would be a nice chance for me to get away, I just didn't realize how much it would impact me. But I was in for a wonderful surprise!

Since my sister was working a few nights when I was there, I had a chance to go to coffee shops and relax. I actually took that free time I had to read this book called, "The Next Generation Leader" (Which I sincerely love!) and I also spent that time, dreaming, praying, editing photos, updating my new phone, and driving around a new town. I am a sucker for adventure. I enjoyed my time in Utah so much. I love driving places and not completely knowing where I am going. I love the new views, smells, people, and atmospheres I got to experience. This trip did wonders. While I was spending time just talking with God, I could feel Him start to pour dreams and goals in my life that I have kind of left on the wayside. I have found this new appreciation for traveling. Like this undeniable, gonna die if I don't do it, kind of traveling. I feel like I have finally come full circle with some of the tough situations I have gone through these past 6  months. And I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is a beautiful site to see! I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the unconditional love of my family and close friends and my ever growing relationship with Jesus. It is humbling.

So as I start to learn how God will have these crazy dreams pan-out, I will be prayerfully expectant for the new and exciting, while remembering the importance of my "now." Remembering that my current life is just as crucial to the big picture as anything else that will happen in my future!

Oh goodness. I am so excited to be alive and living out my dreams.

I give everything over to You Lord