Mr. Starks

I have come to realize the distance and the bitter heart I have put up toward my dad. I can't even give him a normal hug. I always put my shoulder into his chest, and pat his twice on the back. That's not exactly the most inviting hug. It goes beyond that though. I don't look forward to seeing him when he's home, he goes on trips and I can finally breathe and stop trying to avoid and run away from him. I fear that he might want to talk. There has been things done, not directly to me that has caused this wall to get 100 feet tall. On the flip side, there has also been things done directly to me. So what is it? More like... what is it not? First and foremost, I have never felt as though I am welcomed in the arms of my dad. Sometimes it's even hard for me to call him dad. I have never felt invited into a safe and secure "Daddies arms." I can't sit here and go through the 19 years of my life, and pick out every detail where I have gotten hurt, but I can say through my 19 years of life, I have been hurt. I haven't ever tried to look for a guy, to date, that has been remotely close to my dad. Isn't it supposed to be the other way, trying to find a guy just like, "Daddy." Okay, what else has it been? To be honest, this is the main one, that hasn't been directly toward me, but has hurt the worst and the one that has totally shut my heart off to opening up to him. His relationship with my mom. I am scared to even start writing about that. Oh, but I will. My dad has never been someone I admire, which I have just not come to realize. My mom on the other hand, is someone I admire, and adore. She has been so mistreated by my dad. Don't get me wrong while I write this, my dad has never been abusive, but he hasn't cared for my mom as he should or could. He doesn't work for her anymore, I feel like he is always complaining. I honestly don't care if he has been gone for a week on a trip, he still has the responsibility to taking care of HIS WIFE. He doesn't take her out on dates anymore, he won't help around the house allot of the time, and my mom is stuck with everything on her shoulders. My mom has given up her life, literally, to homeschool my brother, sister, and myself. Now she doesn't even know what she wants to do with her life, she doesn't have a dream or aspirations, and you best believe she is trying to figure out her life BY HERSELF. I have so many pent up feelings I'm going to stop now. God please protect my mommies heart. Please. I.N.E.E.D.Y.O.U

I give everything over to you Lord