Paper Canvas

Who says that painting somehow has to be with a brush and a canvas? Who says it has to be with colors and shapes? There is something beautiful about painting to me, something that runs through my fingers and moves my heart with inspiration. I tap my foot with excitement and I sketch you a beautiful piece of work. Some may not consider it painting, but I'd say you'd be blind not to realize. I have never used a paint brush and there has hardly been color involved, but it doesn't make it any less of a painting. Picture this open field, to your left there is a tree standing taller then any you've ever seen. To your right there is beautiful wild flowers that color the ground. Your bare feet stand close together and point you down a small dusty path, were one's eye cannot see the distance to the end. Tall grass line the trail and you inhale the fresh air. Now stop! Don't picture anymore! See, right there, I just painted! just as any artist with a few brushes and colors. You might have saw the image I was describing, and you might have even felt it, but I didn't use any color and there was no canvas involved.

I paint every time my fingers touch a new letter on the keyboard. I try to paint daily, with the words that sometimes crowd my mind. It's exhilarating! The curves of the letters create their own picture and my sentence structure leads your mind to run wild. Run with it! Paint your thoughts in words and I guarantee you will never run out of paint!

A slash of color to your words uncovered.

I give everything over to You Lord

A Fight To The Finish

One of the most admirable things I've come to love is when the people I am close with express how they are feeling. It deepens the friendship, and for me, say's that the value me enough to open up. I feel very appreciated, valued, and important when I'm trusted with someone's heart because I really do try my best not to break it. I find expression or words as one of the most romantic forms of love. Words can create promises, they can form challenges, make commitments, be the spokes person for God, and words can heal, strengthen, smooth, encourage, and love. Feelings are passionate and your words just give audible form to how the inside of you looks. I've been blessed with different opportunities of hearing the hearts of people I am fighting this world with. I've had long, draining, emotional conversations with close friends, and, it was worth the tears, worth the loss of sleep, worth the time, worth the energy. I may not know all those people now, but I never took the time I had with those friends for granted. I will continue, and try my best, to feel things and to not just push them aside. I will also try to pull emotions out from the people who are closest to me, so that we can grow together in pursuing God well fighting life side by side.

I give everything over to You Lord

Straight Line Down

It's gonna be a good week. And I will laugh and smile. And I will mean it. Not because I am trying to force myself, but because I'm choosing to make the best of this puny life. Right?

I'm excited to see my best friend, he comes from Colorado on Monday, and I'm thrilled! 

California. Family. Best friends. Learning more about each other. Car rides. Pictures. Music. My best, best friend.

Let's cause a scene! 

I give everything over to You Lord

Title Slide

I know there is weight behind my words. I know I understand small portions of this life. Very small. But it's tiring, while talking to, what seems to be, deaf ears. I can't find any more creative ways to care or sweet ways to say it. I am not clever in thought right now, I am merely concerned. "I wanna run. But only far enough to make you miss me."

I give everything over to You Lord

Written ART

Project finished. My class loved my work and it was really encouraging.

I give everything over to You Lord

Beauty Is Bold

Some believe in destiny

 and some believe in fate. 

  But I believe that happiness is something we create.

I give everything over to you Lord

The Road Is Steep

I don't know what the Lord is doing, but it's hurting now, more then ever. I feel desperate for a hand to touch my back, a familiar sent, or a childhood friend to play with. I am at a stand still, where I question what I've done worth my time, what have I accomplished worth telling the grandkids? What have I done with my life? Where is it going? All the time I have invested into relationships seem to have slapped me in the face and done nothing for the other person. I feel like the lives I was in, are flourishing now that I am no longer apart of them. I see accomplishments left and right from people but I somehow always have a 'dead end' sign on the roads I try to travel. I want to fall asleep one night this week without crying, but it seems impossible to stay strong. I'm so weak and I need some strength because I feel myself fading into the dark and away from my old careless smiles. I have not been able to stand silence lately, it kills me. I am either writing, listing to music, drawing, thinking out loud, or reading. I need to keep busy because my thoughts will eventually eat me alive. I am at a place where I no longer want to turn to anyone. Unhealthy? I don't want to talk about my "problems" anymore. I want to do something carefree and spontaneous. Every slow song refreshes me and brings out the side of me I want to hide away. I feel like such a mess. A dirty, helpless mess. I am needing God's words to sooth my ears and his speech to be a part of my everyday language. It just gets old riding in the car alone everywhere. Texting people instead of face to face conversations. It is getting really hard to be happy through my emptiness. I just want to be used for a greater purpose. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking how much I care for people, I WANT TO HELP. I want to take care of others, but those I would love to see grow beyond belief don't seem to want to be a part of my life.  I'm tired of just excepting things. Taking things as facts instead of opinions. My thoughts are running loss and my dreams are running into a brick wall. I think I'm just needing to deal with loneliness. I hate admitting it, but I am lonely. 

Tonight I had to go to First Friday to do an art review again, for my Art class, and I asked my sister and her boyfriend if they'd want to come with me. My sister said no, cause they were planning on going to dinner with my parents. My sister said, call someone to go with you though. I was quiet and all I could say was, "I don't have anyone to call." So I went by myself and on the way home I was lost in my thoughts and got myself lost on the road. I drove for a half an hour in the wrong direction. Some might have realized sooner but I was too involved with my thoughts. So instead of laughing with a friend about the fact that we were lost in the middle of no where no I was lonely trying to find my way back home. There was no buildings, no houses, just road. It was dark out and I felt dark inside. It killed to face the fact that the independence I've always wanted, got me to a place where I have no one left to turn to. My family was out enjoying themselves at dinner, and I couldn't think of anyone to call for directions back to my own home. I feel more and more pathetic each day.

I give everything to You Lord.

Prayers would be appreciated. 

US

Embark. I dare you.

My thoughts and my anxieties drift into a tired, worn, beat down me, and I feel like my fist's can't take another punch. I am so out of control and it is so comforting, but I am also scared out of my mind. I take two steps forward and 100 steps back. I eventually have to give into something right? Either my "wants" need to face reality, or my prayers need to be more constant. Maybe I need both. I truly believe that I need to stop focusing on everyone around me, and how it's effecting me, and seriously dig down to the root issues that lye underneath. I need to focus on killing my flesh. I feel convicted in a lot of ways and I need to swallow some truth and look at the reflection in the mirror. I need to dust off myself, from when I fell, and I need to pick up a fresh start.. and really start over. I need to make changes, and I am in the process of making them. I need to not be afraid to stare loneliness in the face and to watch and see that God will take care of me. Everyone was built to have human contact and human intimacy, sometimes I feel like that applies to everyone but me. I need to stop planning my life basing everything on how the next 10 years of my life needs to look like. Or how I want it to look like. I am going through so much, and I feel like my life is in a chaotic uproot and I am stepping in cracks continuously. I feel like I can be easily broken and hurt by people, I feel vulnerable and helpless, pathetic and weak. I am dealing with so much and I am fighting for what God wants. It's just hard to fight, though, when you have no idea what's up ahead.

I give everything to You Lord

Music Heard-Music Loved

Growing up, I'm sure you could think of a hand full of things that you've been hurt by, that you remember in detail, right? Have you ever questioned why you can't find a reliable friend and no one seems to be able to just sit and listen to you? Searching for a friend that can forgive you as fast as you hurt them? Where are these people? 

Some may say, "You will never find a friend like that," while others may say, "I'm still looking for a friend like that." 

My pastor just finished a series called, "Friend-lation-ships," where he encouraged us to be the type of friend we've been looking to have ourselves. That may sound cliche, and, well, it did to me too. BUT! I have the desire to get to the place where I can be the friend to someone which I've always, always, wanted. The type of friend who will stay up late because you just need to talk. The type of friend who will come over and sit with you and not have to say a word. The type of friend whose forgiveness is relentless and my love is heartfelt. The type of friend that keeps your eyes on the Lord but still focuses on improving your situation. The type of friend where I can call you beautiful or handsome and you actually believe me, opposed to everyone else. The type of friend who you seek counsel from, who you can laugh with and cry with, all in the same conversation. I really want to be the type of friend who cares, and cares, and cares, and cares, and cares, and cares for the condition of your heart. Most of all, I want to be the type of friend who reminds you that you are a prince and a princess of The Most High King. 

So, as I walk out my journey to be the friend I've always wanted, I will have to keep pulling strength from God, because no human can fill me enough to demonstrate all of that (above). I will need to be on my knees seeking out to better understand what God feels. I want to be able to feel what God feels, only to the extent where I can help individuals He selects for me. I want to be aware and careful. Understanding and seeking. Fearless but fearful of God. I want to understand the magnitude of what I'm fighting for, this great cause, this great challenge, of dying to self and bringing others to life.  

"A friend is someone who know the song to your heart and sings it to you when you forget the words."

I give everything to You Lord

 Prayer Please

I Was Inspired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

I don't know why I found this so interesting. But it was a catchy way of describing what our world faces and how some of us aren't willing to just... settle. 

I give everything over to You Lord

Published

Everything is slowly coming unhinged and I can't seem to grasp it. 

I feel my feet stock to the ground as I walk past it. 

I feel my hollow tears drip onto my lap.

I haven't made a sound though I feel like I'm trapped. 

Your elegant words are so catchy at first.

Believe me I almost bought it.

But I stand tall and I conquered because I'm the one who fought it.

No liquor drink can make my worth less valid

I've got support and I've got talent.

I feel this love, one I don't know if you'll ever feel

It rips at your body until all your insides are revealed. 

I'm being dramatic and my emotions are out of control

Said it, come on, I've heard it all before.

Next time don't try to full me, saying you're my "Best friend,"

Learn that you are just another one of those hurtful men.

Now from the outside, it may seem like I'm heartless

But I think you could testify cause your the one who broke it.

I give everything over to you Lord

Define

Oh the old familiar sent of loneliness creeps through the gap beneath my door. I play my music loud so I can't hear myself think. The beat runs through my arms and legs, I can't stop moving.

I give everything over to You Lord