Hello 2014

As I say "Goodbye" to 2013, I am left with more than distant memories. I am proud to say that I am able to take away several important lessons that will last me a lifetime.

This past year (2013) has been a defining year in my life. With so many changes and difficult decisions that I had to process through, I am leaving this year with a new appreciation for life. A new appreciation for my relationship with God, a new appreciation for family, friends, finances, work, church, and my relationship with my sweet boyfriend, Kasey.

This year, God was faithful to refine me. He showed me the areas of weakness in my life, He showed me that I am truly willing to give up anything to serve Him with my whole heart and He helped me grow a little more comfortable and confident in my own skin. This year was one of the most challenging seasons I've walked through. But I would walk through it again if it meant that I could fall more in love with my Savior.

This past year has felt like a launching pad for the greatness that God is going to do in 2014. A launching pad for the new adventures I'll take, the new people I'll meet, the new beginnings I'll create.

In 2013, there were a few areas in my life that I decided that I wanted to fight in order to see something beautiful be created. I decided that I didn't want any broken friendships in my life. I made a stand to mend any awkward or off-ish relationships I had. So I did. I put myself out there and built friendships with certain girls that I had previously disregarded. Instead of keeping them at arms distance, I embraced them with an authentic love, and forced myself into uncomfortable situations in order to mend the brokenness that, I felt, lingered between them and myself. I am thrilled to say, they embraced me back and I stand on good terms with them now. My desire is to be someone who people feel like they can run to in a time of need or if they are desperate for comfort. That is what sparked the whole thought in the first place. I am pleased to see those friendships made whole.

2013 has also birthed within me a new vision and inspiration for my future plans with work and with ministry. I couldn't be more excited to embark on a new journey! I decided that I wanted to start my own business and become my own boss. A scary, overwhelming and daunting project and I have no idea how I am going to accomplish it. But I am determined to go after the things I want in life, and my own business is definitely something I am excited to start.

Another vision that has caught fire in my heart is my long time dream of developing and running an urban art street ministry. I have had this dream for several years. I have dreamt of creating a place of refuge for the lost and forgotten. A place for lower socioeconomic youth and young adults to come as they are and leave filled up with a new passion for life. I have been blessed with the honor of having a boyfriend who is just as passionate as I am about loving people. Kasey understands it. He gets the vision and the dream, and has the leadership qualities to accomplish it. I couldn't be more excited to partner with the most breath-taking person I know. We are starting small and working our way, slowly, to our goal. Kasey and I have started saving money, we meet up and work on programming and our mission and vision. I know the hard work, late nights and dedication that it will take to make our dreams a reality, but I am as ready as I'll ever be.

There are so many areas in my life that I am excited to see develop into something beautiful. 

Here is my thoughts for 2014... 

I am excited to deepen my relationship with God and I am ready to build deeper relationships with those around me. 2014, I will fight every battle that arises. I will seek out the areas in my life that I want to improve and actually do something about them. My desire is to learn to love Kasey in a greater way, as we continue to build a dynamic friendship. I will spend time with family, try new foods, go to new places, make mistakes, learn from my mistakes, become a more equipped youth leader, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, girlfriend and aunt. This year, 2014, will be a year of new beginnings and new milestones. Cheers to a brilliant and happy NEW YEAR! 

I give everything over to You Lord

We Celebrate.

 

I had an eventful weekend celebrating the beautiful life of my cousin, Ashley! I joined her by bringing in her 21st birthday with coffee, sushi, late night walk on the Santa Monica Pier, music, 9 people in one hotel room and watching street dancers. But most of all, for me, it was the good conversations, heart-felt honesty, and ability to feel comfortable enough to share our struggles while encouraging each other to keep fighting through this life! Our creativity and need for art and culture is always heightened when we are together. Ash told me this quote when I was visiting her in California, "Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas." Every time I am around Ashley, we talk about ideas for the future and plans of how we can partner together in ministry and life. Ashley, you have a beautiful soul. Never forget that you are called to do great things. Don't let anyone stand in your way of achieving your goals and being ALL you can be. 

You are adored and loved, more than you know. 

Your cousin... and forever friend. 

I give everything over to You Lord

I call her "Q"

When I see or meet people, I observe a lot about them. I try to learn their body language, their sayings, their humor, their interests and their likes and dislikes. But most of all, I try to learn about their heart and the natural way that God has designed them. Once you sift through the insecurities, break down walls and build trust, you usually start to see the essence of who somebody is.

The friendships and the people that God has allowed to enter my life are always beautifully orchestrated. He mends and connects people with me in the most unlikely ways. He never seizes to amaze me! He has taught me a lot about friendships and pursuing people. Some of the main concepts God has taught me through building relationships is, people take time, pouring into people can be exhausting but it is always overshadowed by the beautiful blessings it brings, and "change" is not the prerequisite for an authentic friendship or for unconditional love.

Consistent with the way my friendships have gone, I have been able to build a solid friendship the sweet and "swag-a-lishous," Quincie, but it has been a long process with lots of building blocks!  For years now, Q and I have been building on our friendship and it has been slow but steady. We started off our friendship connecting on so many levels. We gladly found out that we both had a passion for dance, art/graffiti, fashion, humor and we have walked through very similar struggles. Through all of the ups and downs in life, I am so blessed to say I have been able to pray and stand with Q during the great seasons and during the tough seasons. I have spent hours praying, cried many tears, sought advice from people I love and respect, all for the goal of being the most equip friend I could be for Quincie. But most of all, I have fought to keep love at the center of our friendship.

To me, Quincie is not like the average girl. She has this undeniable light that radiates from her. When she enters a room heads turn. She is influential and stands with a confidence that most girls her age don't have. She has a heart of gold and she bubbles over with inspiration and passion. Some people dream of having incredible talents, but for Q, it comes natural. She is artistic and creative. She is strong-willed and easy-going. She is a product of the hip-hop culture. She won't eat chocolate ice cream. Her smile is priceless. Her braids are always fresh. When I look at Quincie, I see a brilliant future marked out ahead of her. A future that is filled with great accomplishments and the realization that her life is a gift from God and everything He has poured into her will be used to glorify Him. She won't let people in easily, but she still loves people deeply. I have had to stand outside the door of her heart until she willingly opened the door to let me in. Sometimes she only cracked the door open, but even that has meant the world to me.

Quincie recently text me. We talked for a little and I instantly knew something was up. Then, I got a text that melted my heart. It made all the years I have been desperate to understand her, absolutely worth it. The text read, "I could really use my sister right now." I have always viewed Q as my little sister and even if she doesn't like it, she will always be my little sister! (Sorry not sorry Q!) There was just something so different when I read that text this time.

It has reminded me that people are important and friendships, while they may take years to develop, are a beautiful example of the unconditional love that God pours out on us each day. So Quincie, I will be here for you, for forever. I will applaud you when you achieve your dreams and I will walk with you when you hit a speed bump and need some assistance. I am so thrilled that I get to have a front row seat to the beautiful life you are living. (Even though it doesn't always feel beautiful) Thank you for blessing me with your hugs, your dance moves, your jokes, your style, your passions and your willingness to share your life with me. I am blessed more today because of you. Thank you Q-Bird. I love you.


I give everything over to You Lord

What's Right In Front Of You?

I am ambitious! There is no other way to put it but in those plain terms. I have a little thing inside my mind that is always thinking of ways to reach for the next "GREAT" accomplishment! My ambition can be used as one of my greatest strengths and also my greatest weakness. As I have spent months and years planning for a mighty endeavor that awaits me in the future, I have spent months missing something that was right in front of me, all along.

I have worked at my current job, a web design company, for a little of two years. I have taken the same driving route to work every single day, besides a few abnormal exceptions. I drive the same freeways, sit in the same bumper-to-bumper traffic and I always get off on the same exit. 7th Street and the I10. A busy intersection that sees thousands of cars per day. It wasn't until the past 3-4 months that I started to notice a pattern. A middle aged man, standing on the right side of the road where I exit. This man, everyday, held the same sign that said, "Need money, thank you, God bless." Everyday he had the same heart-warming smile, the same friendly wave, with a limping walk which shouted that he was in pain. I have watched him stand on the road, begging and pleading for help.

Now, usually this is were the critics chime in and make claims that sound like, "He is probably an alcoholic, a drug addict or just lazy. Giving him anything would only be me enabling him." And those very well may be true! But I would like to respond to those people and say, my dad is a recovering alcoholic, personal friends of mine are drug dealers, and I know a lot of lazy people. So what's the difference? Those people, standing on the curb, can very well be someone dear to my heart, and I can't image that I would ever drive by them without stopping and saying, "WHAT are you doing? LET ME HELP!" For some reason, most of us treat the person on the side of the road with less importance and care.

We all have our own excuses, and I'm no different. Until I felt convicted. I thought about the great ambitions and dreams I've been working towards. My hope is to eventually reach intercity, lower socioeconomic homeless teens and young adults. I want to move and start an urban arts center that helps reach the "underdogs" in our world. There is nothing inherently wrong with my dreams, but the conviction came from me realizing that God was giving me opportunities to start NOW and not in the "future." My ambition was cloudy my present reality. I have driven by the same man for months and I have even waved to him. Except I drove by and never gave him food, water, clothes, or money. I had to do something different. I needed to make a change in my perspective and stop waiting until I have some expansive ministry that is helping "save the world," and instead find the urgency about helping people now! The people that are right in front of me.

One morning, I arrived down town 20 minutes earlier than usual, which never happens! Like clockwork, the same man was standing with his sign waving to each passing car. I decided that I needed to stop putting it off and take the time to go to the store. I bought sandwich bags so that I could make care-kits to keep in my car for the houseless people I meet. I filled his with a tooth brush, tooth paste, a cliff bad, chapstick and a verse I wrote on a piece of paper from my car. This was the verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Since Down Town Phoenix is filled with one way streets I had to get back on the freeway going the opposite direction in order to turn around and get off on my usual exit. I started to approach him but the light way green. I had to make a quick decision, drive past him and give him the bag the next day or frustrate all the people behind me by stopping in the middle of the exit. I did the ladder! I rolled down my window. He hurried to my car window and I handed him the bag. We both simultaneously said, "God bless you," and I drove off. The hoking of horns from those behind me were distant sounds that reminded me that our world is too much in a hurry to take care of those around us. 

The next day I woke up and packed a few extra food items that I was planning on giving him. But when I drove up to my exit I didn't see him. From the time I gave him the care-kit until now, (about a month) I have not seen him anywhere. It taught me that when God calls us to respond, we need to respond without hesitation, or else we might miss the God appointed opportunity.

I can't say that I'll always be aware and never walk by an opportunity to help someone, but my goal is to be more aware and proactive. And my hope is, you'll do the same! I don't know if anyone has told you, but combining our willingness with the power of Jesus makes a pretty powerful force! Don't miss what is right in front of you. 

I give everything over to You Lord

A Letter to Jemma Sophia

Dear my darling niece,
 Jemma Sophia

 

It has been quite the emotional week for the family since you've been born. Especially for your parents. You definitely know how to make an entrance! If you haven't been able to feel the love yet, when you grow up, you'll be able to look back and see how many people have been praying for you and how many people have sent their encouragement to all of us. You are my wonderful little niece and I love you more than words could express. This week alone, I have felt and experienced everything from pure joy and excitement to fear and nervousness. It has sincerely broken my heart to watch you go through so much. The image of you laying in the tiny bed, your second day of life, with wires attached to you everywhere, will forever be burned in my mind. That way, when God heals your strong but petite body, we can look back and praise Him for how far He has brought you. I am believing for a complete healing. A crazy-miracle-kinda healing! I think you might have enough spunk in you, Jemma, to shock us all.

I can picture it as I write you... A mighty purpose and plan that God has for your life. Although small, you are going to greatly impact the world around you, more than you already have. You will be different than the average girl. You will grow in a strength that not many of us could handle, and you will have the scares to show your story. Jemma Sophia, embrace the scares, be proud of your uniqueness and individuality. Know your boundaries and understand your limits, but never let anyone tell you that you can't accomplish something. You are going to do amazing things! I will have the privilege of witnessing it! Since you have managed to fight with unbelievable endurance these past 10 days, I highly doubt the future will be able to contain your drive, tenderness and power. I am praying over your life continually. Myself and many others are so excited for the bright future ahead of you. I can't wait to hear your laugh and to see you smile. I can almost hear the sweet sound of your voice. Jemma Sophia, I am proud of who you are, already, and I will stand firmly in the hope and healing of Jesus and anxiously watch Him perform miracle after miracle in your life. I love you Jemma Sophia Starks, you are brilliantly created and designed as a beautiful masterpiece.

Your Forever,
Tunte Sheena


I give everything over to You Lord

Jemma Sophia Starks

We welcomed the darling Jemma Sophia Starks into the world Tuesday, October 8th at 5:22! A beautiful little girl that makes me so proud to be called aunt. There is nothing quite like the birth of a new baby and the celebration that surrounds the gift of life. The full head of dark hair and the puffy little cheeks brings the biggest smile to my heart. I was able to wrap her up in my arms, kiss her, talk to her, and tell her how much she's loved. Our sweet Jemma Sophia has no idea how many fans she has. Any baby born into our family becomes quite popular... quite fast! Jemma, you are brilliant!


Although we continue to celebrate the gift we call Jemma, there were some complications that occurred the day after her birth. Wednesday the 9th, in the morning, Rory and Stephanie, her parents, noticed that she was having a difficult time breathing. They sent a video clip to their midwife and she immediately responded and said, "Call 911." So they did, and the newly born Jemma was rushed to the hospital. I wasn't there upon their arrival, but my dad described it like a sense out of a movie. A security guard handed my brother Rory (Jemma's Dad) and my dad visitor badges to go into the NICU. They walked in the room to find 20 doctors and nurses running around getting Jemma oxygen, hooking her up to IV's and making sure they wasted no time with stabilizing her. Rory and my dad couldn't even see Jemma because there were so many people surrounding her. To call the scenario "intense," would be an understatement. 

Doctors said that they like to see people's oxygen levels around 90% and when Jemma was first brought into the ER, her oxygen levels were around 20%. She was not in good condition. Not everything has been figured out and they are still running several scans and tests, but they have concluded that she has a severe heart defect and will need surgery this week. We are praying against any long term affects. We don't want any seizures to occur now or in the future due to her time spent with such little oxygen. The most beautiful little doll has been through some much in her 2 1/2 short days of life. I believe she will make a full recovery and be completely healed. The doctors said she will have heart surgery in about a week and she will need to spend three more weeks recovering in the hospital. Needless-to-say, Rory and Stephanie and our families will be spending days and weeks and months in the hospital to ensure that our Little Jemma Sophia is made whole again! If you think about it, pray for everyone surrounding the situations; Jemma's parents, the doctors, India and Olive {Jemma's older sisters}, all the aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. We all would appreciate your love and support through prayer. So if you think about... Pray! We are very grateful for the blessing and joy Jemma Sophia has brought to all of our lives. Even in the midst of the chaos, she is beautiful, strong, and has officially melted all of our hearts. As her older sister calls her, "We love you Princess Jemma!" 

I give everything over to You Lord  

Daydreamer At Heart

There is nothing more enticing then my daydreams of traveling the world! Oh the idea of sipping coffee while walking through the brick-lined alleyways of Italy, or roaming the aisle's of the largest bookstore {Powells Book's} in Portland, Oregon. The inspiring thoughts of being a nomad and wondering, experiencing, and taking new adventures is so tempting to the free-spirited side of my soul! The romanticized view of my fantasies and my wishful thinking leave little room for reality and practicality! I suppose it wouldn't be such a charming daydream if I allowed logistics to ruin my minds unrestricted wondering! And let me tell you, recently, I have been practicing my wondering skills!

The realistic side of my daydreams always bring me back to earth. And it's back in reality that I remember how expensive traveling is (!), and how much preparation and time it takes to plan seemingly spontaneous getaways! While I understand the practical side of taking trips and seeing the world, I don't want to discount my desires altogether. I want channel it. To focus on ways that I can experience traveling and ways in which I can see the world, even if it's on a small scale.

For me, my dreams look like traveling and seeing the world. For you it might be something totally different. Your dreams may include a promotion at work or getting married and starting a family. Whatever your dream is, figure out how you can channel it. If your dream isn't being fulfilled right now, in this moment, sit down and really contemplate some of the small (maybe even practical) steps you can take. It could look like spending extra time learning about your business in order to be prepared and ready for if/when a promotion comes. Or it could look like learning how to trust God in a greater way, believing that He will bring a compatible partner when He sees fit.

Even if you have to start small, really, really small... It's okay! As cliche as this may sound, don't give up on your dreams. Continue a tireless pursuit to see them be fulfilled. Make your plans but let God order your steps!

I give everything over to You Lord

Time To Tip... And Tip Well

Awhile back my dad and I were out to lunch and it came time for the best part of the meal... the bill! ($$$) I have grown up seeing my dad tip based off of how well he was served and treated. And I really thought nothing about it when I was younger. Then I got older and got my first job at a coffee shop, where people tipped (or didn't) and it was THEN I realized the value of tipping people! Yes... Like tipping a server after a meal. So, before my dad paid for our meal, I shared some thoughts about the whole idea of tipping people based off of how "well" they treated me or how fast they served me. Here is what I shared with my dad:

I love people. I love to bless people, encourage people, and give them above and beyond what others may think they "deserve." That includes tipping. I have never based my "tipping-etiquette" on how well I am served or how "on top of it" my waiter or waitress was. And I'll be honest, I've had some pretty "bad" restaurant experiences. Anything from my server forgetting items I've requested (over and over), spilling drinks on me, one server wasn't able to concentrate due to his hungover, and other times I've simply had servers that are openly rude! (I call that being SPICY)! But that has never affected the dollar amount I write down on the little line that says, "Tip:  _____.____"  

WHY?! Well, I am sure we can break down that logic (tipping based off of being served well or not) and figure out a way to justify tipping poorly. But my thought process isn't based on logic it's based on blessing. And those are two very different entities! I correlate tipping to grace. Far fetched? I think NOT! You know that little thing God gives us no matter how many times we jack things up? Well... that's grace! It is an undeserved and free gift that is given to us, not based off of how WELL WE SERVE God, rather, it is based off of His greatness. I try to mimic the character that Jesus displays, such as giving generosity and giving above and beyond.

To me, tipping is more of a reflection of me and my character, opposed to the common thought that tipping is a reflection of the character and "performance" of the server.

You never know what people are walking through. Life is crazy! If you have air in your lungs, you'd understand that we all have "off" days. Even servers! (GASP!!) I'm sure we can all agree that we've had a day consumed by bad attitudes, grouches remarks and the lack of desire to serve others. So if you had the opportunity to shed a little generosity to the world, would you take it?

I want people to look at me and see God's love and His grace. For me, that looks like tipping, and tipping well. I guess my dad liked it enough to take on the same thought process. So now, we both tip well, because WE CAN! (Oh and if you can't afford to tip well... it's okay, maybe just eat in! And all the serves said, "AMEN!")

“Grace, then, is grace,–that is to say, it is sovereign, it is free, it is sure, it is unconditional, and it is everlasting.” ~ Alexander Whyte

I give everything over to You Lord

Independent

Back in the day, Kelly Clarkson released a song called, "Miss Independent," and I think I might have listened to it one too many times when I was younger. Because, in the past few months I have been wrestling with this, "I don't need anyone" perspective I have developed. This development didn't just happen overnight, instead, I am coming to find out that it is deeply rooted in past experiences, past hurt and the desire to protect myself from feeling "screwed over."  I posture myself as if I am self-sufficient, lacking the need to have others care for me, love me, check up on me or help me. I must say, I have been told that I make it really easy for others to believe I don't need them or even  value their efforts of trying to love and take care of me. My fear is if I allow myself to feel loved, cherished and important, I will be setting myself up for a huge let down and eventually all I will be left with is a broken heart. Even though, at times, I keep people at arms distance, I know in my heart that we are all created with a desire to be in relationship with others and to have others help us shoulder the burdens this life brings. Unfortunately, the oh so familiar feeling of wanting to protect myself creeps up and puts a wedge between me and the level of intimacy I am allowing to form within my relationships with others. I am finding out that it is a dangerous place to be. But more then dangerous, I am finding out how unhealthy it is to push people away because of my fear of being hurt, letdown, forgotten, or worse... being an inconvenience to others.

I haven't overcome this battle. Yet! {My stab at trying to remain optimistic} But I have been learning a lot about myself and how I operate. Finding out the areas I still need to grow in and the ways I am looking forward to seeing God touch and transform my life.

If you think of it, pray for me. For the fear I have, the guardedness I am clinging to, and for my inability to let people take care of me. I am the furthest thing from where I'd like to be so I figured a good place to start is in prayer.

I give everything over to You Lord

Reaching People

Last night, I was driving home from a long planning meeting I had for the youth ministry summer camp I am helping head up. It was an extremely exhausting meeting that lasted 6 hours. I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about how much needed to get done to pull off this huge summer camp event. I was emotionally and mentally spent. I kept repeating to myself, "Jesus, let these students encounter you. It will make these long hours worth everything. Jesus, let these students encounter you. Jesus, let these students encounter you."

On my drive home I was listening to music and singing my heart out. (This happens regularly!) I heard my phone go off. I looked down and I noticed that I had received a Facebook message from a friend of a friend. She sent me a message that read, "Hey girl!!!! Check it!!! Your story is changing lives in BC Canada!! Killer message girl! Keep doing Gods work." She also attached this photo:

 

My heart skipped a beat! 

Before receiving that message, I was questioning if all my hard work that I am putting into the ministries I am a part of, is paying off. I know it is probably not the best thing to question, but sometimes if I am not focused on the reasoning for why I do what I do, (Which is Jesus), I can start to feel discouraged. The message she sent me couldn't have come at a better time. God reminded me of this: "You do what you can do, and I'll do what only I can do!" 

I am so blessed to be a part of what God is doing. He is so incredible. He has been working behind the sense in my life, refining me, teaching me, correcting me, and continually loving me. This video and the lives it is touching is merely a byproduct of what God has done personally in my life. Having a personal relationship with Jesus shouldn't just impact your own personal life... It should undeniably impact the lives around you.

Get real with Jesus so you can experience true freedom.

I give everything over to You Lord

Breaking The Bondages Of Words

It is often times easier to identify the dysfunction and shortcomings of others. It can be more of a challenge to have an outside perspective on the areas in our own lives that we need to deal with. I want to give you some back story on why I am writing about this topic.

I have grown up living life as a true dreamer. I have always had big plans and dreams for my life, some of which I have been able to accomplish. And then there are other dreams and goals I am stirring in the eyes thinking to myself, "How will I ever accomplish this." In a perfect world, we would all love to have tons of supportive people that partner with us, through encouragement and resources, to help us achieve our goals and our life long dreams. Except, we all know that there will be people in our lives that will tell us, "We Can't," "That dream is to big," "You aren't able to do that," or whatever else those optimistic people have to say! If you can't tell already, I am writing from personal experience. I have encountered people throughout my life that told me, "I shouldn't," and "I am not qualified," to accomplish the things I feel God calling me to. Their words penetrated my heart and shook the very dreams I felt like I was called to achieve. I started to unravel at the thought that maybe what I felt like I am called to do is wrong. Or even worse, not honoring to God. My whole reason for living and my existence is to serve Jesus and I want nothing more then my life to be a walking example of that.

There has been a few specific things that I have been trying to find release and healing from. I have prayed, I have read the Word, and I have spoken with others that I love and trust. But I can still hear their words and the voices in my head. If I could be vulnerable for a minute, here are some of the things that run through my mind:

I am unqualified
I am not educated enough
I am not important
I am not pretty enough (May sound lame, but that thought is there)
I couldn't possibly be used to change the world I live in

Sad right? That I would hear these haunting voices over and over and over again, ringing in my head. But I wasn't done giving these thoughts to God. I wanted to be free. Since Jesus is so faithful to hear our hearts and knowing what we need, He opened up a very unexpected opportunity for me to continue to find healing. I had the chance to speak with one of the pastors at my church about the things that people have told me. He walked me through different steps, asking me questions, seeking answers from God, and at the end of it, I walked away surprised about the outcome. My pastor asked me this, "Who is telling you these lies." I stopped and thought about it. My responds was this... "Me." I could have given credit to the devil and blamed him for letting these thoughts creep in my mind, but he doesn't have that kind of control over my thought life. I will not give him the power to speak lies and words that destroy what God is calling me to.

I have been the one feeding the lies. Fueling them. I haven't spent enough time taking all my thoughts captive. Just because someone said something to me once doesn't mean I have to keep it on repeat for the rest of my life. Please don't misunderstand me though, I am not saying dismiss the hurt or the damage that can be caused by other peoples words. I am simply saying that in my situation, I need to stop focusing on what everyone else has said and focused on the truth. And the truth is this...  I am called.

There is a huge difference between being "qualified" and being called. In the Bible God used people that, from the outside, seemed totally unqualified. He used the young boy, David, to defeat a giant. He used a young peasant girl, Mary, to give birth to the Son of God. God used Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, to deliver the Israel from the Ammonites. Those three people alone seem the least bit equipped to tackle such honorable things in life. God wasn't looking for who was qualified, instead, it had everything to do with who He had called. I may not be called to the great things that David, Mary, and Jephthah were called to, but I do know that God is calling me to change the world in which I live. I don't know what the rest of my journey looks like, but I am learning to take my thoughts captive, to trust in Jesus, and to serve and go wherever He calls me to. Because I am called.

I give everything over to You Lord

The Story Behind My Spoken Word "Testimony"

I felt inspired to write a spoken word about my testimony two years ago. So I sat down and began writing. I finished my spoken word in about two days. I then began to memorize it in hopes that one day I'd be able to share with people. & my hopes turned into reality about a year ago when I was asked to perform it at an open mic night my church was having. There was a room of about 50 people and I nervously took the stage and shared my journey with everyone. The responds I got after performing my spoken word was incredible. Everyone was so encouraging and I left feeling blessed and excited about how God has worked in my life.

(Image from when I performed at the Open Mic Night)

The day after I performed my spoken word, I drove out to LA with my sister-in-law. I told her about how I wanted to film my spoken word because I wanted a physical representation of the internal work that God has done in my life. I wanted to create a piece that embodied me. I originally wanted to create a video that would only be seen by me and family, but it turned into so much more. My sister-in-law sweetly offered her help and we decided to film my spoken word while we were in LA. (Remember, this took place a year ago). Months after we filmed Jessa (My sister-in-law) came down to Phoenix again and I was able to get the footage from her. So I downloaded the clips and took it to my friends at Parametric Studios and they tried working with what I had. Unfortunately, there was two many things that they needed that I wasn't able to provide them. They kindly offered to re-film it. So I decided that it would be a good idea! So exactly a year after I originally filmed mu spoken word, Joel, Alex, my cousin Ashley and myself went to down town Phoenix and filmed. We all were melting in the sun, but we pushed through and wrapped up after about 3 1/2 hours of filming. I left the footage in the talented hands of Joel and Alex.

A week or so later, I went to the Parametric Studios and recorded the audio that would overdub what I had recorded in the original video takes. I was tying to use all my multitasking skills at once; I was listening to my audio in head phones, while watching myself on screen from my film, while trying to say my spoken word. Let me tell you, matching the movements of my lips was quite a difficult task. Thankfully, 7 hours later, I finished! And again, I left my spoken word in the trusty hands of Alex! 

A few weeks later I received an e-mail with the first cut of my video! I was ecstatic! I probably looked like a complete moron as I squirmed around in my room with excitement! I eventually received several other e-mails over a three week time span... and then it happened... I got the final video cut with audio and music. I watched as tears weld up in my eyes. I sat back and spent time soaking in the greatness of everything Jesus has done in my life.

I wanted my spoken word to encompassed the pain I have faced, as well as the beautiful realization that Jesus has been faithfully by my side throughout my story. I knew that this spoken word would be a very vulnerable piece that let people into the mess of my life and the battles I have walked through. But I can gladly say, I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for the gracious and loving guidance from Jesus. He has healed my brokenness and has restored my life. I am truly blessed. Be inspired! 

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A very special thanks to Joel and Alex from Parametric Studios. They spent many hours and hard work to make this video look and sound incredible! You can find them of Facebook, here: https://www.facebook.com/ParametricStudios

My Feet Will Wonder Towards Adventure

Right now, I am able to look at my life and the things God is doing... and actually appreciate it! You know how some times we can miss what God is really doing in our lives? And the only way we really see the hand of God working in and through our lives is when we look back to past experiences and say, "Wow, I couldn't even see what God was doing." I know that I can't see all of His greatness working in my life, but I can see and even feel a lot of what He is doing. It is truly inspiring. To have a personal relationship with my Savior.

I was recently blessed with the chance to get out of town for a long weekend trip to Utah. I was mainly visiting my sister and my brother-in-law but had the chance to visit the church they are helping start. I have lots of amazing friends out in Salt Lake City who are serving Jesus, so it was incredible to spend time with them as well! I knew the trip would be a nice chance for me to get away, I just didn't realize how much it would impact me. But I was in for a wonderful surprise!

Since my sister was working a few nights when I was there, I had a chance to go to coffee shops and relax. I actually took that free time I had to read this book called, "The Next Generation Leader" (Which I sincerely love!) and I also spent that time, dreaming, praying, editing photos, updating my new phone, and driving around a new town. I am a sucker for adventure. I enjoyed my time in Utah so much. I love driving places and not completely knowing where I am going. I love the new views, smells, people, and atmospheres I got to experience. This trip did wonders. While I was spending time just talking with God, I could feel Him start to pour dreams and goals in my life that I have kind of left on the wayside. I have found this new appreciation for traveling. Like this undeniable, gonna die if I don't do it, kind of traveling. I feel like I have finally come full circle with some of the tough situations I have gone through these past 6  months. And I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is a beautiful site to see! I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the unconditional love of my family and close friends and my ever growing relationship with Jesus. It is humbling.

So as I start to learn how God will have these crazy dreams pan-out, I will be prayerfully expectant for the new and exciting, while remembering the importance of my "now." Remembering that my current life is just as crucial to the big picture as anything else that will happen in my future!

Oh goodness. I am so excited to be alive and living out my dreams.

I give everything over to You Lord

Standing Still & Waiting

At one point I stood still in the crowd at the Hillsong concert, I just attended. I could literally feel the excitement run through my blood stream. My dreams and visions flashed before me. The art, design, music, and lights on the stage set fueled even more thoughts and ideas within me. My passion was met with a flood of inspiration. I am trying to find a beautiful balance between staying consistent with what is in front of me while also looking ahead to what doors are opening in the future. I often feel antsy with where I am in life. There is this undeniable urge for adventure. To experience something new and to see the world around me. This whole post may sound cliché, but I have been feeling like I want to start and build and pursue my dreams. I have an itch to encounter something unfamiliar, something new and uncertain. I feel like there is something awaiting me that is just around the corner, but I am blind to what it is. I have no idea what the next season of life looks like, but I have tons of things stirring inside me.

While I am ready to embark on the next journey that is ahead of me, I have noticed that some of my thoughts have been making me feel a little "tied down." I want to start an Urban Art Center, I want to reach the lost and broken people, I want to dance again, I want to travel to different states or different countries, but I can't help but feel a little less excited knowing I will be doing it on my own. I so desperately want my best friend to do all of these things with me. & When I say "best friend" I really mean husband. I just want to collide ideas with someone who is just as passionate and thrilled about living this life intentionally and having fun along the way. I am not the kind of girl to "wait around" for a guy (as I mentioned in my previous post), but I can't help but feel a desire to work hand in hand with my best friend and to do each life adventure together.

Nevertheless, I know that there is a flood gate of opportunities that lay before me that always remind me to refer back to my life motto. "Faithful in the small, expectant for the big." I value consistency in others as I also try to remain a person of consistency. I am attempting to do this by being consistent in everything that is currently in front of me. The ministry opportunities I have, the friends I have, the family I have, the job I have, the dance community I know, the personal growth I am encountering, and the Biblical and speaking training I am receiving, to name a few! I have been prayerfully trying to figure out the "next step" in my future. If I think to long about it I get all confused and anxious, so I am always learning how to let go and let God take the lead.

I give everything to You Lord

Family First

I don't know if your journey is anything like mine... But if it is then you may be able to relate to this post.

I've always believed family first - As in, my parents, siblings and in-law's. I love family, appreciate family and would not be where I am if it wasn't for my family. Family is a beautiful thing. Although I have always placed such a high importance on my immediately, I have never desired a family of my own. Like husband and kids kinda stuff! I suppose I could dig deeper into, "Why"and I'm sure I'd find that I have always been sort of scared to start a family. Knowing the kind of deep love I'd pour into the relationship with my husband, while being fully aware that I'll be deeply hurt at times. So I almost buried the desire to even let myself feel, or desire, or pursue a relationship that would eventually turn into a family. Until last year, I started dating a guy from my church, we grew up in the same youth group together and we eventually fell in love and got engaged. Romantic huh? Well, somehow my life is full of surprises and our relationship got to a place where I had to make some really hard, life changing decisions. Needless to say, I'm not engaged. I've been postponing the day I write about it because I knew that once I did, it would be real. That there would be no hope for me to start a family with him. Or at this point, anyone. While that time in my life has been one of the hardest times I've faced, there has been so many positives that have come from the relationship. During the process of being in that relationship, God did something amazing. Something that I thought I'd never feel. Something I thought I'd never desire. I, for the VERY first time, have a deep longing and desire to have a family of my own. While to some this is a normal desire, even from a young age, I've never felt this before. I feel excitement for the first time to really become one with someone. I find myself even hesitating while I write this because I am asking myself, "Are you sure you really desire a husband and kids?" While simultaneously I am fully confident that God has truly softened my heart. I want a family. Tears well in my eyes even picturing the beauty of my "One day!" I sit here thrilled even picturing my very own family.

My life and the journey I've walked, hasn't been easy, but it truly has been amazing. Sincerely, I wouldn't trade a moment of the pain I've been through. Because in those times I have been refined. And for that, I am humbled and eternally grateful.

And this is what I feel like the best part of this whole epiphany is. Although I finally realize my desire for a husband and kids I am not waiting until I am married to pursue all the things that God has for me. That may sound really logical, but, I know so many people who feel like their life doesn't start until after they're married. I am thankful to say that with or without a husband I know God has called me to some very specific things that I need to accomplish in my life, regardless of my relationship status. That is so freeing! Because I don't feel the need to "wait around" for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. Rather, I want to be running towards everything I am called to pursue and then find someone who will run alongside me. With passion, drive, goals, and a desire to also start a family.

Rebuilding from Broken Pieces

Here is my latest vlog post. I wanted to spend some time talking about how my life looks right now and how I am rebuilding different areas that fell apart. Hoping to take the broken pieces and rebuild something beautiful. I am humbled by how much God has taught me, and how He has truly had my best interest in mind.
Even if I think I thought I knew what the "best" plan was... He always knows better!

My journey is not my own, but I am privileged to be the one who gets to live it out.
I wouldn't trade the pain and the confusion for anything else, because I have become more secure with who I am now, more than ever. Looking forward to the beautiful blessings ahead.

OBEDIENCE ALWAYS PROCEEDS BLESSING

I give everything to You Lord 

The Art Of Transparency

I decided to put together some footage of times I filmed myself when I was really vulnerable. I have been going through some difficult times in life and instead of shrinking back, I really wanted to speak up. I wanted to express that going through hardships in life isn't easy and often times it makes you question things. & That's okay! But I have been trying to find the beauty in the midst of pain. I hope to inspire you to be honest and transparent in your own life. As hard as it is, there is so much freedom that comes with being open!

I'd love to hear your feedback, questions, or similar situations that you're facing. Post a comment below so I can hear from you! 

I give everything to You Lord 

Painfully Beautiful

Its been a journey... 

An up and down, winding round kinda process. This life. My life. 

Through this post I will try to remain completely vulnerable and open to the honest truth about where my life currently stands and the craziness that encompasses it! Some days I want to laugh because my life always goes in a different direction then I thought it would. Then there are other days that I struggle to stay motivated and positive. These next 4 months of my life were supposed to look so different then they are turning out to be. These months were suppose to be a time of joy and celebration, a totally new chapter and season of my life. Well, lets just say that I am definitely in a new chapter and season of life, except it's just not the one I planned on. It's not bad, just really different. Through this really hard time I've been facing, I have seen a lot of blessings. Blessings I totally could have overlooked, but instead I now get to enjoy. There has been people in my life that have shared a word of encouragement and truth at just the right time. It fills my soul. When my life seemed to be falling apart and when I felt like I was the only one who's heart has ached this bad... I know I am not alone. I am NOT alone! It is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

So as I daily face this new and often times difficult process, I try to keep my head up, so I don't miss what is going on in the world around. I feel as though this stage in my life, this very stepping stone, is something I need to walk through in order to get where I need to go in my future. My motto has been, "Stay faithful in the small and expectant for the big." This short phrase encapsulates my outlook on life. I try my best to remain consistent and faithful in the everyday things I do and the relationships I am involved in. In hopes of not overlooking what is right in front of me. Instead making sure I am focusing on doing my everyday life well, while other doors are opened in the process.

I don't think I have questioned so many things in my life as I have these past few months. I have almost questioned everything. It has been a painfully beautiful journey. Because through this time, I have become more secure in what I believe and the things I stand for. In the midst of me questioning my life and the world around me, I have found answers, not to everything I long to understand, but enough answers to know that I am on the right path, I am heading in the right direction.

I truly love and desire to inspire and impact the people I come in contact with. I desire to share my life, with honesty, in hopes of connecting with others on a very authentic level. I want to meet people where they are at in life. Not to be critical or judgmental, but to give others the freedom to be transparent with their life. In the pain and in the beauty.

You are free to struggle, to question and to want to give up. It doesn't make you any less of who you are called to be. It is simply just a reminder that you aren't finished growing and being refined. You are brilliant.

I give everything to You Lord

Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys

I have a passion that has been set on fire, a calling that is great, and a heart of expectancy! I dance in the midst of pain, and in the presence of joy. I smile not because of my circumstances but in-spite of my circumstances. This girl is on fire... even when I feel like my flame is going dim.

I give everything to You Lord