My Desires.

So I am going to write about this attraction I have. And most everyone that is close to me knows my burning passion on this subject. I am extremely attracted to black guys. Extremely. I have always had an attraction to black guys, not to white guys. Yes, I know I am the whitest white girl there is, blonde hair, blue eyes. I can never deny the fact that I want to fall in love, spend the rest of my life with, and have adorable children with a tall, DARK, and handsome gentleman. I am more drawn to black guys personalities, and I often find more things in common with guys who are black then with guys who are white, oddly enough. I know God grants us the desires of our hearts, and I know he knows my desires, but I feel bad saying this, I don't want to marry someone who is white. Of course if the Lord has a man that so happens to be white, well, I am sure I will fall in love. But I can't help to find black guys more appealing to me. That was not meant in a "pig" type of way. Appealing like... The skin color, their whole demeanor I guess. I would never say I am own the search for my perfect black guy, but I am not runnin in the opposite direction either! I will wait patiently, or at least try waiting patiently to the best of my ability, and I can't wait to see what man I will marry. 

I am talking about marriage. I know, a ways away, couldn't help but get it off my mind.

I give everything over to you Lord

Yes, don't get me wrong, I give it to the Lord, and if he returns with someone white, well, I will be happy.

I love that

Filled with a thousand little voice in my head.

It's a friday night, and all I want to do is.... stay in bed.

You always thought I was stronger.

I have to much weighing on my heart.

Gasping for breath, I am inches away from drowning in my own thoughts. Everything is a hassle, I am tired and really a little bit lonely.  Still I don't want to fight for friendships because I am to weak. To weak to fight. 

I hate love songs right now.

I hate boyfriend and girlfriends right now.

I hate romance right now.

I hate those stupid boys that holler at me like, "Hey baby," "What up shawty." Always.

I hate that my hands have no one else's hand to hold right now.

I hate that I said yes to William 

I hate that I see my teachers at school, more then I see my friends right now. 

I hate that I have no friends right now.

I hate that I don't look how I'd like.

I hate cars that drive really stupid right now.

I hate that I'm hating so much right now.

I hate this.

I give everything over to you Lord

Love Letters

So write a love letter. 

Keep it.

Until you find your love.

Not This Time

So I left my class today, at 1:30pm, really broken and terribly shook-en up over my experience in class. I was slightly warned about my teacher, but not enough, he's an offal teacher... put nicely. I have grace and patients for those who are ignorant about the Lord, because I need the same grace. But I feel kinda bad that my patients ran straight out the back door. I wont go into every detail, but I feel as though Mr. Copp should not be a teacher. He says the F word every other sentence and he yelled at two girls that walked in the class looking for something and he told another student to get the F out of his class. Oh, it almost knocked the wind out of me. I was speechless. I am dropping his class, I don't need that type of influence in my life. So I wiped those tears that flooded my face and I am now standing for what I want. I am no longer going to sit in disgust with this man. Lord, I pray for him. I don't know what else there is to do.

I give everything over to you Lord

My friend Josh wrote this beautiful piece of work.

As I have done before, copy the link below and paste it into a new window. 

Brilliant writing.

Opened my eyes in a new light and I am enjoying what I see.

I got a few sentences into this "Blog" type of writing Josh did and I felt like I could grab a blanket and popcorn because it was a romance and war piece all in one. 

Once again...

Brilliant. 

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=6057107&blogID=417341027

I give everything over to you Lord

I Really Don't

I find it humorous that I had to get up at 6:30, leave the house by 7:00 and get to school by 7:30 for my Public Speaking class. I was so pleasantly surprised with a big fat CANCELLED on my class door when I got to school. So now, instead of my 7:30 to 8:40 class scheduled Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I have just a Friday class from 9:00-12:00 class. Yes, a three hour public speaking class. Scottsdale Community College surprises me YET AGAIN.
I would probably be more frustrated but
I AM TO TIRED TO CARE.
I give everything over to you Lord
-Really I do

If I said I wanted you to notice me what would you say?

I sit and think about you yesterday tomorrow and today.

I never thought you would catch my eye.

You came around the corner, suit and tie.

Love.

That's what I would like to call you.

I think I should leave now, before you fall too.

Love.

Yes, that's what I will call you.

I want to be like you, shoulders high, standing tall too.

I give everything over to you Lord

Think. Try. Or Die.

I know that it hurts but I'm trying.

I know you wont understanding but I'm lying.

You listen but never hear me,

It's hard to think I let you,

It's hard darling, very scary.

On the park bench you left me with tears, crying.

When you held me like I was the only one

I had a heavy heart, how is this fun?

Insecurity is my middle 

I feel nothing but a stinging pain.

You got out with the gold,

I sit abandoned, empty, cold.

My heart wasn't bought,

It was snatched out of my own two hands,

This evil thing,

This gorgeous man.

Look Beyond The Blank Screen.

So you saw past my eyes, straight done to my heart.
I am broken, I don't know where to start.
Thank you for reading past the ordinary.
Now I will embark on the extraordinary.
Your Sincerely
I give everything over to you Lord

P.S I LOVE YOU

Alone In A Crowded Room

The more I fall into this odd attraction the more I battle between the thin line of right and wrong. I fight at all costs and I run my own battles. Battles. I crush this scum called the devil, underneath the very soles of my shoes. Laughter sings once again in my ears, now I am choosing to laugh once more. Capture the emotions that have been buried under these brick walls, unhook the bolt you have put around your heart, and show them that being vulnerable is being okay with being you. Dusted off the knees that once where crawling out of pain, and now I use those legs for walking, charing forth to the finish line. Now dear, don't look behind you, grab this hand that has always been stretched out to you, and embark on this beautiful journey with me. I will always embrace what we had, but now, to our pleasure, we can look forward to more. More brilliant moments together. If I ever wonder far I will lead you to me by the love letters you'll receive at your front door. Yes love, those are from me.
I give everything over to you Lord

Dance... What More Do You Need?

Copy the link below into a new window and watch me and two friends dance. We did it for a summer camp, we worked very hard for one week, and we are blessed because of it.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=23676306187

My Friend Tucker.

Tucker. I love you.
I was going through my Blogs I have written over the years, and I came across one I wrote about you, on March 14th 2007. Tears flooded my eyes, and I realized, what I wrote still applies to you now. You have grown so much, and I am so proud of you. I truly hope you know I am proud of you Tucker. I was sitting in the message last Wednesday as Jason spoke to the youth group. He was speaking on “Mountain Tops.” You popped in my mind as Jason began speaking. He said that we all have mountain top experience, like camp for example. Camp is where nothing else is distracting you; nothing is in your way of giving full attention to God. You feel broken, open, and willing to change your life to follow the footsteps of Jesus Christ. That would be considered a “Mountain Top.” Well, with every high, there has to be a low. Sometimes it feels as though you can’t get any lower, can’t feel anything less then you already do, and those are called the valleys. So why does God bring us valleys? To make us feel like we are nothing, the scum of the earth? Let’s be honest, God would never do that, so why then? God creates valleys so that we might walk out what we have learned on our “Mountain Top Experiences.” Plus, there is no nourishment on the tops of mountains, so there is no possible way we could survive. That’s where valleys come into play. Nourishment is found in the valleys. Mountain tops give you the ability to walk down in the valleys, just as high as you where on the mountain top, because of the knew knowledge you have received from your amazing mountain top experience. Your healthy high. Tucker, being low, and not knowing anything about anything, that’s all okay, and it is actually quite natural. The problem comes from when you stop trying. When you are no longer trying to be a man of God, truly a man who will fight and kick and push and scream until you are completely dead to yourself and alive in Christ. I pledge on your behalf to Christ, asking Him to give you something that changes the way your thinking right now. You are capable of life, and the heart crushing, deceitful, back stabbing things people will throw at you. You are a beautifully created masterpiece, designed and picked to be a man that has a heart after the Lord. I would like you to remember, our days here our numbered. Tucker, don’t play with the Lord, you can’t say well today I don’t feel like it, so tomorrow maybe I’ll try. Tomorrow is not promised. So I literally beg you, please get your heart right with the Lord, and mend relationships that have been broken, and live a selfless life. Please. You are smart, unique, humorous, talented, blessed, underestimated, caring, loving, genuinely nice, gifted, sensitive, emotional, strong, valued, and you have capable. God and I, well, we see eye to eye on that. I still look at you in a light that is worthy of praise. Praise because of the Lord through you. I want to see the guy that was my best friend a long time ago, I want to see him come back. I have asked God to never let you back into my life, and I have actually wanted that to come true, but I believe you and me, you and Brittany, you and Gregg, Jenelle, Dre, Marc, Grant, Allison, Jessica, Mom, Dad, Rachel, Rory, Stephanie, Brennen, and every one else you encounter have the opportunity to change lives, change the world. So as I have said before, I will never shut you out of my life Tucker. You have to know by now, that I am hear for you to cry to, laugh with, smile at, talk to, vent to, share with, embark on, challenge you, encourage you, comfort you, and love you. I am here. No matter where you go running off to, or no matter who you choose to spend your time with, no matter if you hate me, love me, and no matter if you never want to speak with me again, I am letting you know, I am here for you. Always. You are a very loved man of God.

Sheena-

I hate that your not okay.

I give everything over to you Lord

My Friend Josh.

Brilliance yet to captured and selfish desires still creep in the cracks. But the grace so amazingly poured on you is finding it's way to be first and foremost. Although trials seem to fog the eyes that have once seen straight, there is still reassurance that fog doesn't last. While life is only ment to be lived for a moment here on earth, the eternal gift is ever lasting, I am so glad I can share it with you.
I give everything over to you Lord

I Said No

I have to wonder often, and hope most assuredly, that the elegance I desire to portray is not so easily slipping off the very garments that I wear. So by a slim chance I may be projected into the right light and be awarded for truly good character. I am powerful beyond all odds and they measure my level of capacity by the very attitude I obtain. Hurt nor pain is able to seep through the brass walls I have secured around my fortress called life. They may spear in my direction, thrusting every negative stab at me, but I shed no more blood for the weak, for my enemy. I wear my white gown of purity and I walk a straight line, putting glass slipper in front of class slipper until finally my ultimate destination is achieved. The glory with never be shown because of myself, but in everything I am I pray the glory is given to Him who deserves our shadows true body.
I give everything over to you Lord


-Thoughtful

I'm Talking To You.

The vibrations from the wheels cause a subtle bumming effect that lightly tosses our bodies back and forth. The time takes us to new places, the beauty of travel. Hard work seems to be paying off, and I realize for the very first time, I am responsible, intelligent, strong, and I am very capable of being pushed to my breaking point. But. Somehow always coming through. The shuffle of the little girl’s sneakers in front of me haunts my every desire to be young again. The careless free spirited child I was, now seems to hold the weight of the world. Hardly, I know. Yet, I still feel the pressure. Those little smiles that use to be laden with mere happiness are now layered with the constant reminder that I am responsible for me. My wallet is filled with lint more now then it ever has been in the past. My shoes have worn down soles, and the holes in my shirts, well, I welcome them. Viewing this mess as a growing experience, better then a growing experience, more like, hum… a life experience, for lack of better terms. A hundred tissues have been used and thrown away, and with them went every loss and tear I have shed. I shed no more. The backbone of mine is now not only giving me good posture, but now, that same backbone is giving me guts and courage to stand tall and to speak bold. I am bold. Gutsy. Capable. I am not speaking out of pride, nor am I speaking for self-gratification, more so that I can be a walking example of what God’s grace can do for you. That, right there, that is gutsy. If it was not for Christ I wouldn’t be here, more so, I wouldn’t need the backbone I obtain and I wouldn’t need to be gutsy and capable for anything. So by the grace of God I stand tall and firm knowing, God is in control. So the brake is pushed, the car is stopped, and the travel is over. Still, the lessons where learned, the laughs were meaningful, the backbone grew stronger, and now, I question, “What next?” I am so excited for the next step in life, I fear that I might miss an exciting moment I could be experiencing now. Taking a deep breath in, and twice more, one step at a time. Good to know... I am still moving forward.
I give everything over to you Lord

Untitled

So I wish the thoughts that run through my head were so perfectly projected on paper. It seems as though my thoughts lead a different life, sophistication, I use thou and thus, shall, and hence, all in my mind, but my words come falling out as an unfinished broken masterpiece yet to be discovered as beauty. The thing that keeps my shoulders held back and my chin held high is the brilliant thoughts I conjure up in the hot afternoons when myself is the only company I have. Words. I wish as though my simple mind was seen as a tower of simplistic wisdom and as an attractive self thinker. The letters that seep through my teeth and leek out of the little space between the upper and lower lip are the letters that speak from experience, no, pardon me, lack of experience. So knowledge is grasped and memories are retainable, but the secrets behind the sold skull that hides our brain are the things that have yet to be comprehended in human form. Words. The hush whispers creep up the four walls of this complex creation, the words climb to the roof and scatter only to form new thoughts and ideas, the same letters were used but now the answers are in reaching distance. Grasp what has been spoken, careful, don't hold your understandings inside, capture a few then release them so that they may be caught and understood once more. Once more. Words.
I give everything over to you Lord

Run Thin, Run Fast

So the buzzing has stopped, and things seem to be dying down. Not emotionally, but running around. The rush and hustle of camp is over. I think the two weeks before camp, where I lost many hours of sleep, are now catching up to me. I am sleeping so much and, it's not that I feel anything, but I am okay with not feeling allot right now. I need rest. I need a break. I find it such an encouragement to read the youths (from camp) their Blogs, Tumblr's, Myspace's, and Facebook's and see the change in their writing, their thinking. Before camp I feel like everyone was walking on thin ice, between what is right and what they want. Now I see them passionate, desirable, and wanting change in, not only their lives, but in others lives as well. I am blessed to be apart of this movement. Change! So I have seen the beginning steps of change, but I fear for the day when these students run thin again, and they don't want to fight for their Lord, and work for what counts. I fear for that day, and maybe, just maybe, if I pray on their behalf I can prevent some of the loses we might have other wise seen. So I will try my best to stay strong and keep my faith secure. Grounded in Christ. So I remind myself. Grounded in Christ.
I give everything over to you Lord

Strength Upon Strength

I have been non-stop, running around, painting, cleaning, helping, serving. I don't know how thin I can run, but I am making a point to smile through it all. Smile, with the most real, genuine smile I can give. I have noticed something extremely amazing, God has aloud me work 12 to 14 hours straight and I still have strength left in me to work more.
I am so glad God gives me strength.
I give everything over to you Lord