I'll Put Myself Last. And Make the Rule's as I go

Gentle and so soothing.

Steady yet confusing. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Just Say Yes

This picturesque ideal of how the common day, our common life, is meant to be sequenced, is in fact death defining. The beautiful American lie steers you continuously in the wrong direction until you've lost yourself and you only know what it feels like to feel nothing at all. Your car can be your confessional, but don't regret dripping your dreams to an inanimate object. Your dashboard can't talk back. How does it equip you for life if you're a singing and you lose your voice? Have you lost your place in the world?  Or if your a dancer and you can no longer walk? So I will write what I feel and feel what I write. Then, I will pray for two different worlds to collide a beautiful collision. I couldn't sit here and deny my past because quite frankly, my past is what will bring me through my future.  And since I've won some and lost some, I am reminded that "We live in a fallen world and the rain falls on the just and the unjust." 

I give everything over to You Lord

The Night before Christmas

Christmas Eve has come and gone.

Merry Christmas is our new found song.

Presents have been torn open.

The romance and love.. we all keep hoping.

Christ birthday.

Happy Birthday.

Good night and thank you for family Lord.

I love you.

I give everything over to you lord 

Your Everyday Run In

First Verse

Beautifully breathed smiles

Come in and stay for a while

More than just a trip

It's a friendship with a twist

Chorus

Thanks for everything

You've been so trust worthy

This happens once in eternity

Just be you, I'll just be me

Like I said-

Thanks for everything

Second Verse

Peaceful knowing your in my company

Laughin' and talkin' regularly

This is the base of you and me

This is the base for our infinity

Chorus

Thanks for everything

You've been so trust worthy

This happens once in eternity

Just be you, I'll just be me

Like I said-

Thanks for everything

Third Verse

Bruised hearts

And lips that tell secrets

The secrets of our past

Let's forget everything and run, run, run fast

Let's go

Chorus

Thanks for everything

You've been so trust worthy

This happens once in eternity

Just be you, I'll just be me

Like I said-

Thanks, thanks for everything

This is just a song I decided to write. My cousin put a tune to it on her guitar. It turned out better than expected! 

I give everything over to You Lord

Making My Way Through The Crowd

I often take on peoples burdens as my own. To an extent I don't think that's a horrible thing, because I can feel what they feel, help where a hand is needed, and care for their problems. I think where they problem comes is when I am letting others situations rule my life. Paralyzed in a completely movable body. So there has been a few burdens I have taken on, not because I'm forced to, but because I truly care. I have found that each situation is determined by them and how their feeling. Happy, sad, excited, upset, effected, fine, okay. I have been trying to have a good time, smiling as much as possible, laughing more then usual, but not so fast. I feel as if I'm dragged into the problems that feel unsolvable. Help. I can't run away and not hang out with them, for goodness sakes, they live at my house. So what then? I know I should be daily and hourly giving these peoples problems to God, but I feel like I don't even know where to start. I sat on the couch while a thousand hurtful tears feel from her face, each one telling a story. Dare I say, this isn't fair. I can hardly worry about my hearts condition when I am stuck in the swamp of other's... life. I care, don't get me wrong. I am simply expressing my struggle, and let me be honest. THIS IS A STRUGGLE. I suppose I should continue giving this to God, but I can't help but think my Christmas might just be... Okay. My new years? Should be good, but will it? I want out of this, but at the same time, they keep letting me in. I care, please, once again, don't think for a second I don't have love for these two. You could probably say that the reason why it hurts so much and why I'm so burdened is because I do care so much and I do love them so much. I don't want this situation to be "Fixed" but I want it to be healed, restored, renewed, and possibly continued. Oh God. This is for You, because I don't know how much more my weak heart can take. I don't want to cry. But they're making it so hard to smile. I am happy. I know I am. 

I give everything over to You Lord

This Time

Sometimes I just have to have peace with knowing things are crazy. 

Sometimes I just have to do the dirty work so I can clean my hands. 

Sometimes I have to let go so I can trust God. 

Sometimes I need to feel out of control so I can sit back and watch.  

Sometimes I need to write so I can think, and,  

Sometimes I just need to live so I can feel alive.

I give everything to You Lord

WRATH

Let me receive. Let me Breath.

Let me Express. Let me Repress. 

Let me Smile. Let me live in Denial.

Let me Kiss. Let me Miss. 

Let me Survive. Let me feel Alive.

Let me Walk. Let me Stop. 

Let me Do me. Let me be Free.

Cause.

On the day of Judgement, and God asks, "Why did you do that." You won't be answering for me. So. Let me be me. You have your life to live. Let's enjoy it together. Seriously. 

"But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who WILL RENDER TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO HIS DEEDS." Romans 2:5-6 (New American Standard Bible)

That's such a bold statement, but it's so true. I believe people sometimes, including me, have to stop worrying about how other people want to live their life, because we can't control them. The best thing we can do is be a good example, pray for them, and ask God to give you opportunities to shed light on their situations. I think if your worrying enough about your relationship with God, other things, life in general, will come easier. But don't get me wrong, it's a struggle to have a relationship with God. I'd say it's harder then not having one. It is so worth it though. So worth it. He's WORTH IT.

I give everything over to YOU LORD

Day. To. Day.

I cough, a hard, deep imbedded cough. As if I had smoked for 13 years. Deep cough. 

My toes peek out of my bright red sweat pants. I feel like a fool in those. My toes are cold. 

I am sitting propped up in my new Italy-like chair. Grey and black, easy to the eye. 

I have a paint brush to my left and the tubes of paint. Art. 

My dog is quietly resting under my fan, on my bedroom floor. Dashboard Confessional plays their beautiful "Stolen" song. 

A pile of clothes 2 feet tall lay on my bed, just waiting for me to find a place for them. My left over water shakes with the typing of my keys. In my mind I picture hundreds of music notes, seldom played keys, Incredible combinations, music to my ears. Music. 

I need to shower, I have been to busy all day. Now, at nine, I will shower. 

I have my second to last math class tomorrow morning at 7:30. Bright and early. 

I don't want to get up early. I will. My cough is hurting. I'm alright.

I

Give

Everything

Over 

To

You

Lord

Shaaabang!

Someone once told me, that creative people, while under stress, cancel out time to be creative. Coming to this realization, I decided, I needed to get creative again. I would tell you what I did, but it would ruin my brother and sister-in-laws christmas present!!  No matter what it was though, it was good to be back in touch with my creative side, I'm a much happier person when I'm in the art world. School is almost finished for this semester, so I will be able to jump in to the creative boat again, and sail, with a free mind! I have so many good ideas for my room and ways to jazz up this and glamorize that, but I feel like school take away from my creativity. No, I'm not debating whether I should drop out or not because I guess the saying goes, "You gotta start somewhere!" I just really enjoy the creativeness God put inside of me. Thank you God! 

I give everything over to You Lord

Word Usage

Our core, our innately evil bones, this fabric that holds our mess together. 

Inspirational. 

The design and the texture, remarkable structure, angles and avenues, it's what my heart beats for.

Destination.

Clever commands, distinct retaliations, inquisitive impulses, attracting the implausible individuals. 

Regurgitation.

Set abroad, slightly irrational, tip toes to the peek of unimaginable. 

Reassurance.

Silk love letters, kissing forever goodbye, dealing with the harsh realities and misconstrued  lies. 

Cynical 

I give everything over to You Lord

 

Thank you

It's one thing to accept injustice. It's quite another to receive unjust treatment and respond with mercy. That behavior spells  L-O-V-E.

That's the kind of Christian I want to be.

Thank You Stephanie 

I give everything over to you lord

Cheers! Wait? Cheer!

Here's to Christmas 

With an added jingle bell rock

 The children whisper about the presents they JUST might have got

Hot coco and eggnog too

Christmas lights, yellow, red, and sky blue

Cheer is more common and smile's shine bright

Every one is cuddling with blackest rapped tight

Mistletoe springs more kisses

And there is several new 'Mrs.'

Santa has less cole this year

Surprisingly, it's because of everyones cheer

So trinkets and whistles are fun for a moment

Nothing, though, compares to God's gift of atonement 

His gift is eternal, lasting more then a moment

I give everything over to you Lord

She Will Know

    It scares me to think she does this out of her lack of daddy. It scares me to think this is how she's choosing to spend her free will. So I wonder if her smiles are even real, or if she knows how bad she's hurting. I know exactly how it feels to want to do something to yourself that's harmful, and to know you need help, but want to do it anyway. She doesn't need someone to abandon her and point out the sin in her life. Let's wake up and smell the coffee, we are all sinners. She doesn't need a long lecture about what lasting effects this will have on her body. She doesn't need to be babied or held by the hand, because she chooses her choices knowing full well of the consequences. No in fact, she doesn't need rehab or a shrink. She doesn't need to see a psychiatrist and doctors wont do the trick. She's knows what she's doing is wrong, but how long will her memory last. I fear that she will miss the reason of life. The reason of breath. No she might not die from this, and come on, it's "just a phase." She may get on the plane and fly far away. She may keep up this nonsense and end up senseless. Perhaps she may choose to crawl in bed with him, but she knows what she's choosing. Her talent abounds understanding and she has yet to be understood. Still, she doesn't need to be looked down on, because let's face it, we've all made our mistakes. 

It's actually quite the opposite. 

    She needs to know she's loved. That she is valued beyond belief. That her laugh and her smile, her walk and her talk, were perfectly formed in the likeness of God. No, it goes farther then the eye can see, she needs an out stretched hand and someone to call. And she's in serious need of a hug fest! She needs her dad to remind her how precious and innocent she is. She needs her dad to be the spiritual leader of the house. She needs her dad to take care of her mom so that she can feel safe. She needs more then a house, she needs a home. Bottom line, she needs her dad. I think she may need to push the refresh button on her relationship with God, but I'm by no means judging her. She needs love where love is lacking. She doesn't need a boy or a man, a college degree or a 5 year plan. She needs to know that telling her parents might suck, but she has to start somewhere. She simply needs to know God smiles down on her in the morning and still has open arms, waiting for her to run to Him. He never leaves, we always do the walking away. She needs a kiss and some good influences. True friends that will stop talking about her behind her back. She need to be shown every good thing about her, because it will surpass any negative thing anyone has said about her. She needs to know the person in the mirror is not who she wanted to be. She needs to know that insecurity is natural, that uncertainty is inspiring, she needs to know her heart is 

worth admiring 

So I pray God, that if it's in Your will, you will keep her from leaving on the trip. That you will make her feel sick every time she wants to be fulfilled by something other than You God. Continue to show Grace on her and myself Lord. 

We all need your grace. 

I give everything over to You Lord

Let it rain

We're Christian's and we live in a fallen world and the rain falls on the just and unjust.

Superhuman Lyrics

Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment u came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see though the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

I give everything over to You Lord

Quiet, She May Hear

They continuously shove these gut wrenching words down my throat. Nodding in laugher, as all their pointer fingers aim heartlessly in my direction. Riots build with their plead to tear me to sheds, thrusting shivers down my out of line spine. Jokes and caddy remarks reflect their previous discussion behind my back. Plot's and ploys, I wonder the level of compassion in the first place, because now, it seems more rung dry then ever. The coffee houses hold the things you would never say to my face, as well as the car, and your phone. Take your prime opportunity and yell your insides out on the sidewalk, because I would hope to never walk by what you were feeling. It may be a messy job, and scrubbing under my nails may be necessary, but you can have at me, the way you've dreamt about hurting me. I may cry, it's not unusual though, so get out those pent up frustrations and live free. So as I swallow my pride, down with your perfect sentence structures, I clench my teeth and focus forward. Last year has nothing close to what next year hold, so I willingly release my grip and embrace the things of uncertainty. The remarks yet heard, the secrets yet whispered, the pain yet cried, and the future yet lived, I applaud the uniqueness of life.

I give everything over to You Lord

People These Days

They lied when they said, "Kiss a toed and it will turn into a prince." Or was it a frog! 

They lied when they said, "All dogs go to heaven."

They lied when they said, "All cats have nine lives."

Random.

I give everything over to You Lord

ARTISTIC

Ashley, my cousin, reminds me why I adore art. 

I crave photo's now, more than ever. 

Color.

Texture.

Style.

Shape.

Fabric.

Shoes. 

Hair.

Jewelry.

I give everything over to You Lord

How I Spent My Thanksgiving

Ashley, Justyn, Kenneth, Rory, Stephy, Rae, Luke, Mom, Dad, Uncle Ken, Tante Yvonne

Thank you family

I am truly Bless, and I am truly thankful

I give everything over to You Lord

Memories

New Photo's on Snap Shot

-Ashley Nicole Yeck

I give everything over to You Lord

Still Thanking...

I never knew they thought it'd applied to me

But I guess they thought differently. 

Apologizing was simply my goal

Scolding is what happen to unfold.

As tears streamed down my face

I was left abandoned, fearful and not safe. 

The bathroom floor is where I hit my hands and knees

Raised head, whispering, "God Please."

This is a battle that includes no one but You and me

I will wrestle with it until I truly find relief.

I am trying to listen carefully to God's perfect guidance  

Aside from all my emotions I will sit and hear in silence.

I can still smile, and I can still laugh

I, thankfully this time, don't feel trapped. 

 

 I give everything over to You Lord

Dedication

For not taking the easy way out

I'd like to applaud you.

For having morals and standards 

I'd like to give you a standing ovation.

For speaking the truth 

I'd encourage you to take a bow. 

Some people never learn it in their life time, but you did some how

I give everything over to You Lord

Crashing Waves

 

I adore this season. 

Of.

Thankfulness! 

I am simply reminded to be thankful.

Remembering NOT to take:

My house for granted.

My true friends for granted.

My chance to go to college for granted.

My clothes.

My car.

My parents.

My sister.

My Brother.

My other three sisters.

My bed.

My meals.

My dogs.

My phone.

My shoes. 

And.

And.

Most Importantly.

My life. 

My chance to share God.

My chance to receive God.

My chance to show Grace where I need Grace myself.

My chance to give forgiveness.

My chance to give my chair to someone.

My chance to stand up for someone.

My chance to love.

My chance to be an example, God being the center. 

My chance to smile.

To dance.

To sing.

To laugh.

To smile.

To cry.

To feel alive.

To help.

To serve.

To live.

To learn.

I give everything over to You Lord

Because A Girl Like You Is Impossible To Find

Written Truth. Catchy Line. 

Identify Your Emotions

Betrayed. 

Alone. 

Abandoned. 

Ashamed. 

Condemned. 

Rejected. 

Sad. 

Angry. 

Self-Conscience. 

Bitter.

Hurt.

Mad. 

disappointed.

resentful. 

lousy. 

disappointed. 

discouraged. 

powerless. 

diminished. 

guilty. 

tense. 

pessimistic. 

lost.

unsure.

distrustful.

hesitant.

uncertain.

doubtful.

incapable.

paralyzed.

vulnerable.

pathetic.

fearful.

I give everything over to You Lord

Who's Without Sin

"let he who is without sin, cast the first stone"

"that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ"

"And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless."

"According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love"

I give everything over to you lord

A Wish You'd Never Want

She's letting the sun go down on this night

She was supposed to be married tying the knot securely tight.

She would have looked beautiful in her white wedding gown

While she walked down the aisle wiping away every frown. 

Their first kiss as husband and wife

Well, actually she's still living the single life.

Because tonight she's falling asleep with no one by her side

There is nothing left to shed, no more tears to cry.

It would have been a year or so since they had been together

He missed out on the most adorable girl ever.

There was a different guy who held her hand tonight

He took awhile her fear and he gave her good insight.

While she stay's strong with the Lord by her side

He walks the wobbly road lined with pitch forks and knives. 

She rests knowing her family is the glue that keeps her together

There is no "for worse," there is only "for better!"

I give everything over to You Lord

Is Chivalry Dead?

Is It? Really, is chivalry dead? Good question! I couldn't give you statistics or graphs, showing the actual level of chivalry left in the world. I could simply give you my personal opinion. Well, take a deep breath and here we go! The literal definition of chivalry is, "courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women." So I ask myself again, is chivalry dead? Think, when's the last time a man has held a door open for you, or stood up and gave you his seat. How about helping you put your groceries in the car, at random? Or, what about a man stopping what he's doing to just ask how your day it going, but you can actually tell his sincerity? This is excluding spouses, boyfriends, and family members. I am not going to sit here and make false accusations at men, by saying, "There is no good men out in the world." I can open your eyes, though, to the men around you, the men that make up our world. So I ask you again, when's the last time a men has held the door open for you? I made a comment to my friend Michael S. tonight, and said, "Can you and Bria not even be civil though? How does this correlate? Well, the definition of civil is, "courteous and polite." I can honestly say that I've tried my best to make thing's right with the people in my life. But what happens, then, if the person won't let it go, talks behind your back, and can't even have chivalry or be civil toward you? It's disappointing when the person you were falling in love with is now someone who resents you. I have made mistakes, I have tried to paid my dues, but please, don't hold my flesh against me. I'm working on it, and I've actually grown up, but you wouldn't know because you don't take a chance to ask. Then again, it doesn't sound like you'd care. Sad. And. I'm sorry you feel this bitter, this anger, this hurt, this rejection, this pain, this insecurity. Gosh, you wouldn't even know how sorry I really am. If I could do life over, I'd keep you. I know that sounds harsh, and insensitive and prideful, and, and, and, I don't mean it in that way. What I'm trying to say is, well, that I miss you, and your loved by me still, and although you will probably never accept that, it's true. 

I give everything over to you Lord

HELP ME

I am very aware that I haven't written in 9 days! I think the emotional roller coster of life has been ripping on my confidence and I feel like I've been dragging 10 pound weights behind me. I am certain, that the build up emotion I have been feeling toward my dad is where it started. Then, I have friends at school, who cry to me because their boyfriends cheated on them, their parents are a reck, and to top it off, they don't know God. Mixture for disaster. You have do understand, that I love people opening up and sharing their heart with me, and I will, every time, be sincere about caring for them. I think the battle comes into play when I have unexplainable feelings that I have not been able to reales. Juggling the two is a talent, to feel for others, without burdening myself with everything they are faced with. I have missed writing to be honest, but I haven't found the enjoyment it putting together my thoughts. My mind is a puzzle and all the pieces seem to only fit the edges, there is nothing filling it the blanks and connecting one side to the other. It's frustrating. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am tired of doing life on my own. Please, before making any assumptions, let me explain what that personally means to me. You can eliminate the idea that I want a "man" or a boyfriend to do life with. Because, to put it into prospective for you, I am to hurt by a lot of men, to even start a fling, one night stand, serious relationship, or anything for that matter. I couldn't even say I want more girlfriends in my life, because I can really only handle a few girls and the emotion involved with that. So what is it? It must be more then just desiring a companion to accompany me to the grocery store. Or baking with me on the weekends. Right? I have so much passion for school right now, although draining and sometimes not the most enjoyable thing, I have finally be thrilled to achieve my goals in school... And, it feels great! Maybe, what's left, then, is the sheer fact that something is missing with my relationship with God. Of course, all of the ego and pride that's in me want's to say, "No, there's nothing missing." But I can reassure you, that I'd be lying. It has to be something God is wanting to teach. Maybe I just need to let go of my tightly gripped fingers and just let God take control. You may laugh when you think about that, that I can "let" God take control, but I am being ignorant when I say that. I actually mean I need to reassure myself with knowing God has control, and yes, He will do what He pleases, I just need to worry less. I feel as though God will continue to take things away from me, because so many things have been taking from me recently. I don't want to get to a state where I am holding what I do have, at arms reach. So what then? Do I need to read my Bible more? Yes. Do I need to get on my knees daily and say, "HELP ME GOD." Yes. What else then? I don't know, I don't know what I need to do. Maybe I should just start with what I do know. Reading my Bible more, and just fall to my knees daily to pray, "HELP ME GOD... HELP ME." 

I give everything over to you Lord

The Simple Side

The semester is nearing an end, and I am so extremely excited. I haven't really been finding myself excited about much, until yesterday, I got pleasant news from an advisor at SCC (My college) and she said I didn't need any more math classes! EVER!!! I was so thrilled, I walked out with a big smile! As I began checkin off required classes for my degree in Graphic Design, I was even more thrilled to find out that, I, in fact, have competed more classes than expected! I have done my required amount of English, Math, Social and Behavioral Sciences, Humanities and Fine Arts, and Oral Communication! All I have left, is my Natural Science class, which I'm taking the spring of 09, and then the rest of art classes! Which is about 21 Art classes I can take at SCC, before I move onto ASU. I am taking 4 art classes including my Environmental Biology class next semester, so I will be done at SCC in about a year and a semester!!!!! I feel very proud for the first time, that I have been able to push through something I have dreaded most of my life. Books, tests, quizzes, new classes, new professors, 100,000,000 things I really never had a desire to learn, and now look, I'm one step closer to being done! I am so excited and I am SO THRILLED! I will be about 23 or 24 when I graduate, but I feel like I have really taken ownership of my life and my goals. No encouragement from boyfriends, nothing from my dad, and really the only encouragement I got was from God, from Brittany, from my sister, and occasionally my mom. I'm doing it. And... all though things still sorta suck in my family, I'm succeeding in many things still! I am proud! I'm not boosting, just sharing my excitement. Who would have thought, I would actually be excited about school!! Wow! 

I give everything over to You Lord

Lacking Nothing

To be honest, I'm working through life, so the lack of writing comes from the lack of motivation and the lack of energy. The lack of time, and the lack of excitement. 

I apologize. 

I give everything over to You Lord

EMO

I have been so emotionally draied, so sick and tired, so FED UP with everything dealing with emotions. I have no desire, nothing inside of me, that would remotely want to tap into more of how I'm FEELING. When I feel, when I learn that my emotion's have significance and value, I learn more, that they are not appreciated, they seem worthless, and they aren't encouraged in the slightest bit. No, there is very few people who know my passion, my capibility, my thoughs, and my emotions. The reason being, there are very few people who even take the time, or can even relate to my emotions. I don't even feel safe or comfortable, valued or appreciated in my own home. MY OWN HOME.
I give everything over to You Lord

Dream On

I will no longer give men the front seat in my life. 

They can have the trunk.

Or the back seat...

If their lucky. 

I give everything over to you Lord.

SEKAF

FAKES. I couldn't tell you the pain the irks under my pail skin. The one caused by flesh itself. I am anxious in my own bed. Toss and turn, grow and learn, right? GOD. Who do I trust, when You know, there is no one trustworthy in this life? Who do I share my life with, other than the four walls that make up my room? Who will feel that weight of my tears, as my pillow has for years? I no longer need that "man" they call "dad." No! I'm growing out of his chains of captivity. I am set free. Please, understand, that I still have the blood dripping, tear jerking, heart breaking feelings, scares, wounds, scabs, bruises, and cuts that we're cause by this man... boy. Oh my pain lives on. Once again, please understand, I am not shedding light on my life, so that I can have your concern, nor am I giving into a pity party of depression. This is just the reality of my life, and it's where I stand. Don't get me wrong. I STAND TALL. So this late afternoon, I was at my breaking point, I lost it. So, out flew curse words against hurtful men in my life, my tears overflowed my eyes, and my voice escalated to yelling. I was very upset. I still am very upset. I almost feel hatred in my heart. I promised myself, and I actually never thought I would feel hatred toward someone. Than again, I probably didn't know them back than. Fakes. Yes, the title fits them well. Fakes. Wow. Funny how life... life... Ah... I don't even know anymore. . . I want to push everyone who is close to me, away. I want to hold up a shield of protection, and tape the enemies mouth shut. I'd like to throw out the average, "I'm over it," but I don't want the Fake title smacked on my head. No thank you. They have done a fine job of obtaining the title. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Masked Monster

What Hidden Protection Will I Use Next

I give everything over to you Lord

Kiss me

It's the honesty of someone who says, "I am struggling to be a Christian and I am having a hard time figuring out what that looks like in my life." Or, "I want to do bad things sometimes." It's that same honesty that makes me so happy. I feel sometimes that those who admit, "I don't have it all together, but I'm trying to understand God," are the people who aren't at a comfortable place. They don't have the 10 year christianity thing going for them, they are being pushed and stirred up spiritually. I want that. Maybe not being sure about God gets you to a place where your searching for the answers, which means your growing. Not sugar coated or icing glazed with lies, but whole truths that, "I messed up, I mess up, and I will continue to mess up." I would rather turmoil from someone admitting they're doing something deliberately wrong, than to hide behind their mess, living in sin, and in denial. The pure honesty of my friend is admirable. I'm sure everything I've been saying doesn't make sense, but it's hard to put in words what I'm feeling, or the significance of it. I think my friend Angel, is the first friend I've encountered that is on the thin line fighting what the world wants, and what the Lord wants. Although, it is hard to watch sometimes, I am so happy I can be there to encourage him, becoming an example again. I walk him through things in his life, but I can't wait for the day when he walks tall on his own. I have faith and expectancy, that he will walk tall on his own!! Let me make sure you understand, that I am not talking as if I'm above him in anyway, because I am still understand what Christianity is in my own life. I have just been through a few things and God had grace on me, so now I can give grace. I have so much love for this boy. He has an amazingly beautiful heart, and I am blessed to have him as a friend. For the first time, I feel like a guy can be open with me, because we're friends. No strings attached, and no romantic relations involved. It's nice to be friends. So hopefully Angel and I can keep teaching each other things. With open minds and open hearts, we can be friends, a friendship blessed with a kiss from God. I am excited to see what the Lord has for us two, I am so excited. 

In proverbs it says, "In honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

I give everything over to you Lord

Aren't Jokes Meant To Be Funny?

So if you didn't read my earlier post, "Barrow It," you probably wont understand the significants of this one. But, assuming you have, I got so more good news! After my phone went, and my ipod, I joked that my car would follow after. Well. The jokes not so funny anymore. In the shop goes my car. Somehow my car magically decided to have a problem friday morning. There wasn't any warner signs, or dashboard "Check Engine" light. Wonderfully, the car shop I brought my car to is closed saturday, and sunday. AND. Since I brought my car in friday, they wont start working on it until monday. Of course, "There is no grantee we'll have it done monday either," the kind auto-mechanic assures me! So NOW, I am car-less, phone-less, ipod-less. It's not so much that I feel like everything is getting taken from me, it's that it's one thing after another. The things that I have gotten taken from me, are things I am comfortable with, the things I'm used too. Maybe I'm being pushed to grow, extend my hand to something that isn't familiar, that isn't 'me.' Whatever it is, I'm excited to see what the Lord is going to teach me. As unfortunate as it may seem... 

This is my life, and I'm living it!

And... I'm loving it!

I give everything to You Lord

(Even though it's becoming less and less)

He Will Never Know

He would never know that your adorable black dress soaked up the tears which fell heavily from your eyes. Your smile is so brilliant, capturing, and deeply breath taking, that he would never know your world is falling apart behind it. You are so poised and professional, he would never know you dance around in your underwear when your alone in your room. He would never know, that you feel so uncomfortable, just so that he might feel comfortable at all times. He would never know you had to get up for work at 6:00 a.m, but you talked to him until 3:00 a.m., anyway, because he was lonely. You have the perfect touch and always the right thing to say, but he would never know what he has. He complains that there is no decent girls out in the world, but you would never say, "I am."

I give everything over to you Lord

I'll Still Be Here

She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.

She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs —- she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them does, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.

And... tell me, how come every word in this, I have felt. And.... tell me, why I haven't changed it. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Try This Time

It's like every girl needs protection

Every girl needs a plan

Every girl needs a support group

And... Every girl needs a man

Maybe it's just me

But, I'm still tryin to check those off my list

With open palms, no closed fists

I will dance my way, away from this

I give everything to You Lord

Barrow it

I have heard some people say that God takes things away from you so that you can learn something. Is that true? Does he literally plan to take things away from you, purposely, to fulfill his will? I question that, and probably always will. This morning, I woke up and my mom comes in the house and says, the neighbors car got broken into. So naturally I thought about my car that was in the front yard. I remember, that I, SO WONDERFUL left my 200 dollar ipod and my moms credit card in the car, along with my 200 stereo deck. Well, I didn't think anything happened to my stuff, until I went to my car, to go to school, and I look through my front window and saw my glove compartment open. I opened my car door, and looked inside, and sure enough, my ipod and my moms credit card was gone. Thankfully, they left my stereo deck. Thankfully. I went inside and told my mom, yes, that he credit card was stolen, and she said, "WHAT!" Well, after a few minutes of her releasing her frustration on me, I broke down and started crying. I felt bad, and I didn't know what to do. Yeah, my ipod was stolen, but so what, it's an ipod, and even though I felt really bad, my mom's credit card was stolen, still, so what! And who cares that my 300 dollar phone broke on Saturday. So what! It's just a phone. (I got myspace! .... Totally kidding!)   I feel like I'm losing stuff left and right, and... So what if I do! I don't lose anything that makes me... me. I am not crying for the loss of my mechanical shenanigans, I just feel horrible for the people who did that. Weather it be for fun, or for the slight chance that they need money so they steal stuff to sell it. I feel bad for them. Because they may not realize, that they are the ones at loss. They are losing their credibility, their dignity, their respect, and what they did to me, was... barrow some things from me, forever. I rather that than anything else. So I will pray for them, that their hearts may change, and they can finally see, that there is a better life, and a better way to live it. 

I give everything to you Lord

^-- Which is starting to look like not that much.      : ) 

It's okay though! 

The Beats

I have had little sleep, but I am running off of worship songs and people who love God. That's good right? Well, yes, yeah, I'd say it's a very good thing. What happens though, when I don't play worship music, and I am around secular people. What keeps me going? What do I have that backs me up enough so that I can keep going. Keep running when all I feel like I can do it crawl. I think what keeps me going is the presence of God. No, I can't see him with the naked eye, but he's there, he loses my grip, and pours into my life the energy I need. So I couldn't tell you the exact day, the exact hour, or minute, but I asked God, "Please, send me something so I know your with me." I never said what I wanted him to send me, but I was at a place where I needed something, anything. One day I saw a heart shaped water stain. Cute! Then I thought for a second, "That's what I want you to send me Lord, send me hearts!" I know it has been a lot of months since I have asked God this but sure enough, he keeps sending them my way. I told my 9th grade girls at youth group that I asked God this, and they wanted to know if I try looking for hearts. Well, I don't, I see them at the most random times, and in the most beautifully random ways! The hearts come in the perfect timing though. God has sent one when I was in a poodle of tears, He sent me one when my attitude got the best of me, and even when I just need a little "pick me up," some encouragement! I haven't had my camera with me every time God has send me one, but I do have some photo's of them... Enjoy... Maybe you can find reassurance, that God is everywhere you are, and he is watching closely. His gracious, passionate love abounds all understand. These are more than hearts, they are more of reminders, that He is right by my side...

Afternoon Snack

Washington- Gun Wall

NewYork

Morning Breakfast 
Madi's  counter top
Outside of a movie theater 
Back of a chair at my house
Scottsdale Bible church

Kitchen Floor

I give everything over to you Lord