I feel like I've been more reserved and cooped up in my room lately. I feel like I don't really fit in with my family anymore, and my friends category is lacking. I've been more closed off and feel, oddly enough, vulnerable. It's almost like I'm the odd ball out. My sister has her boyfriend and they are always working through things, which, leaves no time to hang out together. I feel like my sister changed so much, which is understandable, but I just don't click as well with her. I feel like she is always harping at me for some reason and I'm just not good enough. I made a ring the other day and put it on to show her. Without skipping a beat she said, "That doesn't fit you, it looks to big, oh and it really doesn't go with all the silver jewelry you wear." So, I left the room, with no complement and lacking the desire to show her anything else I made. I walked in her room just tonight and she said, "Sheena what are you going to do with your life, after you graduate." I said, "I don't know, hopefully start my own business with graphic design." She again didn't hesitate to say what she felt. "What? Why? Your not going to make any money coming straight out of college like that." So another dream of mine shot down by the built of my sisters mouth. It's hard to dream when you feel like you don't amount to much. My parents, well, my dad has work and even if he didn't I wouldn't want to hang out with him. My mom? Well, she's busy walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and somehow finds time to make it to the gym. It's like everyone has their own schedule and I just don't fit into it. I have asked Luke and Rae to hang out, but now that school is starting up again, they really don't have much free time. If they do, they usually want to spend it together, not with me. Maybe I feel this way because I haven't started back in school, so I feel like I don't have a place. My sketch book, my blog, my camera, my computer, well, they are wonderful, but they can only entertain me so long until I crave a human relationship. I was told by a friend that we would hang out this weekend, and that they'd call me. Well, both nights I never got a phone call. Which is fine, I understand that they lead their own life, I just don't understand why it doesn't effect me as much as it used to. I wouldn't say that I've lost hope in people, because I still have hope, I am just slightly used to disappointment. (I don't mean that in a "Oh life is just SO HARD" way. Please hear my heart on this.) I have a passion for people and care so deeply about my close friends, that it hurts when they don't have a desire to be around me anymore. Sure I can blame it on a busy schedule and the stresses of life, but to be honest, it is always going to be that way. I care so much about people, and so deeply, that I feel like people don't understand the desire I have to hear their hearts on issues. I'm not saying that in a prideful way, but I feel worth from people talking to me about their life and just being open with me. I don't really know if that's a bad thing or not. Maybe I used the wrong word, not worth, but I feel valued by others when they make time to talk. That's natural right? I feel like these past two blogs have been sort of a buzz kill, but these things have really been on my mind. I guess I'll see how I feel after I start school and get a normal schedule together. Maybe I'll find a place where I fit, even if I don't get a call from friends to hang out, I can bury my thoughts in school.
I give everything over to You Lord
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