I'M FAT

The comparison we've all felt. Us girls, us women. Let it slip off. Melt it away. Kill the misconceptions of how "real" women look, act, and what they believe in. Kill it now, save yourself a world of heart ache and push past this world's common thought. Prayer. I am learning, everyday, how to rip the idealistic goal of women. The pant size, the shirt size, the tan skin, the hair color, the slender perfection that women kill themselves to be. Literally kill. I've tried the no eating thing. But life isn't supposed to be lived like that. I've tried the expensive, really expensive clothes. But even expensive clothes rip. I've even been so low, I've looked at how much the cost to get plastic surgery would be. But I'm kindly reminded that money can't buy you happiness. I've struggled and beat my body to a rotten end. I'd like to give you a three step process of how I've overcome the shame of my body, the disgust that tightens my stomach when I look in the mirror, but, to be honest, I haven't overcome that. Not completely that is. I've fought a hard journey, most of it spent with just God and myself. It has been one of the toughest challenges I've faced, definitely up there, and I'm still faced with it every morning when I get up. When I go to the malls, the market, and even church. I feel like that stupid invisible girl sometimes that people pass by and ignore, I'd be dumb to have confidence. 

I can't live like that anymore though. Thankfully. It's too selfish, too painful, and too tiring. My misconceptions of how God views me, my personal thoughts, and the standards posted on billboards, magazines, and television, they all paralyze me at times. They grab, a firm grip, around my throat and try to steal the life out of me. This precious life, from me? How rude, right? I am over this ideal women, the perfect bodies, the beauty which glows only from the outside, and the fake happiness it offers. I will no longer sit and be still while I die on the inside because of my personal insecurities, doubts, and disgust. I am forcing myself to get out of the pool of self pity, and self reliance, and swim to bigger and worthier fights and destinations. I don't want to miss my mark of being a life changer because I'm starving myself to death or getting plastic surgery or focusing on myself rather then others. I'm sorry, but that is not the life I want to live. It doesn't mean I won't struggle, cry, hurt, get mad and scream, I just know that, God willing, I will push past this self centered obsession. Kingdom fights, Kingdom worth, Kingdom love. 

I give everything over to You Lord