How Long

So I ask myself, how long? Will this pain hang over my head. I wanna scream, "This isn't fair!" But I am kindly reminded that, "Life isn't fair." I weld up with tears last night when Adam, a youth pastor, preached on forgiveness. As my thoughts raced back my 19 years of life, I thought about when I had to forgive. The only thing that came to mind, unfortunately, was the forgiveness I have tried to give to Tucker. Adam put it so precise last night. He said true forgiveness is when you, say "I forgive you, and you don't have to promise you'll never do _____ again, and I will show you grace anyway, even though it hurts and I don't always feel like I want to." So, I've said it before, but I need to remind myself that,  I forgive you, and Tucker, you don't have to promise you'll never break my heart, or hurt me again, and Tucker, I will show you grace anyway, even though it hurts and I don't always feel like I want to. See, I can't count how many times I've said that to myself, and I think I really have forgiven him, until someone treats me the way he has for so long. I would like to say, "... until someone treats me the way he HAD for so long," but he hasn't ever changed. He did, what I like to call, "A drop and run." He left me with the scares, the gaping wounds, and now I have to face the facts. That I don't know when guys are mistreating me, because I have gotten so used to it, the feeling. I don't give guys the opportunity to prove me wrong, because I have never let my guard down enough. So like I said, I want to scream, "This isn't fair," but I already know that. And yes, I'd like to know how long, will I carry this burden of pain. I feel I'm the one to blame for this all, this mess, and I can't help think, "WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENT." Tucker has told my friends, "I don't know why I'm a jerk to her, I just am."  What! You JUST are? I don't get it, he said I'm "Perfect" yet, he can't even treat me like a human. Lost in words, I can honestly say I didn't know I am still this hurt, this bitter, I am so bitter. GOD. I have been here already, I have felt this a thousand times. I can't fight the tears anymore. I feel like I have fought this same battle, time and time again. What will it take to conquer it, to defeat this bearer I have. I have always had this. Yesterday, my friend Angel brought back the feelings I have pushed to the bottom on my heart. The ones I buried with a smile and with laughter. He said, "Sheena I need to be nice to you, I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend to you and Sheena, why do you care so much anyway?" Tucker used to ask me, "Why do you care so much when I treat you like crap?" He has also said he would work on being a better friend to me. I stand back and question when he was even my friend. When I stood by myself at my 16th birthday, he promised he'd be there with me, and when he left my house because I wanted to know why he was upset and he didn't want to tell me why, so he got mad. Or when I went to his house when he was sick, and got him coffee, I couldn't tell you one time I was sick that Tucker even visited. When he wanted me to take pictures of him, I did, and he JUST wasn't satisfied enough, he just disregarded them. When he said, "Sheena, I'd treat you better if you were my girlfriend." What kind of psychopath do you have to be, to say that to a girls face. Even through all of that, God says that no sin is great than another. So everything I have done, measures up JUST equal to Tucker. Do I have a right to be hurt than, or be bitter? Because I'm sure I have caused someone to feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I spend so much time questioning everything when it comes to Tucker? I think it's because he's done a brilliant job at making me feel so insecure, inadequate, worthless, and ugly. So I promise to keep trying. Even though I don't know how long it will take, I will fight the urge that says, "Don't forgive." 

I give everything over to you Lord