The Road Is Steep

I don't know what the Lord is doing, but it's hurting now, more then ever. I feel desperate for a hand to touch my back, a familiar sent, or a childhood friend to play with. I am at a stand still, where I question what I've done worth my time, what have I accomplished worth telling the grandkids? What have I done with my life? Where is it going? All the time I have invested into relationships seem to have slapped me in the face and done nothing for the other person. I feel like the lives I was in, are flourishing now that I am no longer apart of them. I see accomplishments left and right from people but I somehow always have a 'dead end' sign on the roads I try to travel. I want to fall asleep one night this week without crying, but it seems impossible to stay strong. I'm so weak and I need some strength because I feel myself fading into the dark and away from my old careless smiles. I have not been able to stand silence lately, it kills me. I am either writing, listing to music, drawing, thinking out loud, or reading. I need to keep busy because my thoughts will eventually eat me alive. I am at a place where I no longer want to turn to anyone. Unhealthy? I don't want to talk about my "problems" anymore. I want to do something carefree and spontaneous. Every slow song refreshes me and brings out the side of me I want to hide away. I feel like such a mess. A dirty, helpless mess. I am needing God's words to sooth my ears and his speech to be a part of my everyday language. It just gets old riding in the car alone everywhere. Texting people instead of face to face conversations. It is getting really hard to be happy through my emptiness. I just want to be used for a greater purpose. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking how much I care for people, I WANT TO HELP. I want to take care of others, but those I would love to see grow beyond belief don't seem to want to be a part of my life.  I'm tired of just excepting things. Taking things as facts instead of opinions. My thoughts are running loss and my dreams are running into a brick wall. I think I'm just needing to deal with loneliness. I hate admitting it, but I am lonely. 

Tonight I had to go to First Friday to do an art review again, for my Art class, and I asked my sister and her boyfriend if they'd want to come with me. My sister said no, cause they were planning on going to dinner with my parents. My sister said, call someone to go with you though. I was quiet and all I could say was, "I don't have anyone to call." So I went by myself and on the way home I was lost in my thoughts and got myself lost on the road. I drove for a half an hour in the wrong direction. Some might have realized sooner but I was too involved with my thoughts. So instead of laughing with a friend about the fact that we were lost in the middle of no where no I was lonely trying to find my way back home. There was no buildings, no houses, just road. It was dark out and I felt dark inside. It killed to face the fact that the independence I've always wanted, got me to a place where I have no one left to turn to. My family was out enjoying themselves at dinner, and I couldn't think of anyone to call for directions back to my own home. I feel more and more pathetic each day.

I give everything to You Lord.

Prayers would be appreciated.