Independent

Back in the day, Kelly Clarkson released a song called, "Miss Independent," and I think I might have listened to it one too many times when I was younger. Because, in the past few months I have been wrestling with this, "I don't need anyone" perspective I have developed. This development didn't just happen overnight, instead, I am coming to find out that it is deeply rooted in past experiences, past hurt and the desire to protect myself from feeling "screwed over."  I posture myself as if I am self-sufficient, lacking the need to have others care for me, love me, check up on me or help me. I must say, I have been told that I make it really easy for others to believe I don't need them or even  value their efforts of trying to love and take care of me. My fear is if I allow myself to feel loved, cherished and important, I will be setting myself up for a huge let down and eventually all I will be left with is a broken heart. Even though, at times, I keep people at arms distance, I know in my heart that we are all created with a desire to be in relationship with others and to have others help us shoulder the burdens this life brings. Unfortunately, the oh so familiar feeling of wanting to protect myself creeps up and puts a wedge between me and the level of intimacy I am allowing to form within my relationships with others. I am finding out that it is a dangerous place to be. But more then dangerous, I am finding out how unhealthy it is to push people away because of my fear of being hurt, letdown, forgotten, or worse... being an inconvenience to others.

I haven't overcome this battle. Yet! {My stab at trying to remain optimistic} But I have been learning a lot about myself and how I operate. Finding out the areas I still need to grow in and the ways I am looking forward to seeing God touch and transform my life.

If you think of it, pray for me. For the fear I have, the guardedness I am clinging to, and for my inability to let people take care of me. I am the furthest thing from where I'd like to be so I figured a good place to start is in prayer.

I give everything over to You Lord