Dream On

I will no longer give men the front seat in my life. 

They can have the trunk.

Or the back seat...

If their lucky. 

I give everything over to you Lord.

SEKAF

FAKES. I couldn't tell you the pain the irks under my pail skin. The one caused by flesh itself. I am anxious in my own bed. Toss and turn, grow and learn, right? GOD. Who do I trust, when You know, there is no one trustworthy in this life? Who do I share my life with, other than the four walls that make up my room? Who will feel that weight of my tears, as my pillow has for years? I no longer need that "man" they call "dad." No! I'm growing out of his chains of captivity. I am set free. Please, understand, that I still have the blood dripping, tear jerking, heart breaking feelings, scares, wounds, scabs, bruises, and cuts that we're cause by this man... boy. Oh my pain lives on. Once again, please understand, I am not shedding light on my life, so that I can have your concern, nor am I giving into a pity party of depression. This is just the reality of my life, and it's where I stand. Don't get me wrong. I STAND TALL. So this late afternoon, I was at my breaking point, I lost it. So, out flew curse words against hurtful men in my life, my tears overflowed my eyes, and my voice escalated to yelling. I was very upset. I still am very upset. I almost feel hatred in my heart. I promised myself, and I actually never thought I would feel hatred toward someone. Than again, I probably didn't know them back than. Fakes. Yes, the title fits them well. Fakes. Wow. Funny how life... life... Ah... I don't even know anymore. . . I want to push everyone who is close to me, away. I want to hold up a shield of protection, and tape the enemies mouth shut. I'd like to throw out the average, "I'm over it," but I don't want the Fake title smacked on my head. No thank you. They have done a fine job of obtaining the title. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Masked Monster

What Hidden Protection Will I Use Next

I give everything over to you Lord

Kiss me

It's the honesty of someone who says, "I am struggling to be a Christian and I am having a hard time figuring out what that looks like in my life." Or, "I want to do bad things sometimes." It's that same honesty that makes me so happy. I feel sometimes that those who admit, "I don't have it all together, but I'm trying to understand God," are the people who aren't at a comfortable place. They don't have the 10 year christianity thing going for them, they are being pushed and stirred up spiritually. I want that. Maybe not being sure about God gets you to a place where your searching for the answers, which means your growing. Not sugar coated or icing glazed with lies, but whole truths that, "I messed up, I mess up, and I will continue to mess up." I would rather turmoil from someone admitting they're doing something deliberately wrong, than to hide behind their mess, living in sin, and in denial. The pure honesty of my friend is admirable. I'm sure everything I've been saying doesn't make sense, but it's hard to put in words what I'm feeling, or the significance of it. I think my friend Angel, is the first friend I've encountered that is on the thin line fighting what the world wants, and what the Lord wants. Although, it is hard to watch sometimes, I am so happy I can be there to encourage him, becoming an example again. I walk him through things in his life, but I can't wait for the day when he walks tall on his own. I have faith and expectancy, that he will walk tall on his own!! Let me make sure you understand, that I am not talking as if I'm above him in anyway, because I am still understand what Christianity is in my own life. I have just been through a few things and God had grace on me, so now I can give grace. I have so much love for this boy. He has an amazingly beautiful heart, and I am blessed to have him as a friend. For the first time, I feel like a guy can be open with me, because we're friends. No strings attached, and no romantic relations involved. It's nice to be friends. So hopefully Angel and I can keep teaching each other things. With open minds and open hearts, we can be friends, a friendship blessed with a kiss from God. I am excited to see what the Lord has for us two, I am so excited. 

In proverbs it says, "In honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

I give everything over to you Lord

Aren't Jokes Meant To Be Funny?

So if you didn't read my earlier post, "Barrow It," you probably wont understand the significants of this one. But, assuming you have, I got so more good news! After my phone went, and my ipod, I joked that my car would follow after. Well. The jokes not so funny anymore. In the shop goes my car. Somehow my car magically decided to have a problem friday morning. There wasn't any warner signs, or dashboard "Check Engine" light. Wonderfully, the car shop I brought my car to is closed saturday, and sunday. AND. Since I brought my car in friday, they wont start working on it until monday. Of course, "There is no grantee we'll have it done monday either," the kind auto-mechanic assures me! So NOW, I am car-less, phone-less, ipod-less. It's not so much that I feel like everything is getting taken from me, it's that it's one thing after another. The things that I have gotten taken from me, are things I am comfortable with, the things I'm used too. Maybe I'm being pushed to grow, extend my hand to something that isn't familiar, that isn't 'me.' Whatever it is, I'm excited to see what the Lord is going to teach me. As unfortunate as it may seem... 

This is my life, and I'm living it!

And... I'm loving it!

I give everything to You Lord

(Even though it's becoming less and less)

He Will Never Know

He would never know that your adorable black dress soaked up the tears which fell heavily from your eyes. Your smile is so brilliant, capturing, and deeply breath taking, that he would never know your world is falling apart behind it. You are so poised and professional, he would never know you dance around in your underwear when your alone in your room. He would never know, that you feel so uncomfortable, just so that he might feel comfortable at all times. He would never know you had to get up for work at 6:00 a.m, but you talked to him until 3:00 a.m., anyway, because he was lonely. You have the perfect touch and always the right thing to say, but he would never know what he has. He complains that there is no decent girls out in the world, but you would never say, "I am."

I give everything over to you Lord

I'll Still Be Here

She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.

She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs —- she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them does, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.

And... tell me, how come every word in this, I have felt. And.... tell me, why I haven't changed it. 

I give everything over to you Lord