In love with Difficulty

Behind the hidden messages, the underline meanings, tells the truth about how they feel.
The vague captions and misunderstood sentences tell the truth about their love.
They are in love.
Or was I reading the mixed signals wrong.
I give everything over to you Lord

Feeling Poetic Anyone

Sure, life is never what it seems.
We are always rooting for a different team.
Wondering why people are so mean.
Capturing life as just the, "Perfect sceam."
Simple stay simple, "ha" the laughter echos in my head.
Now 1:01am laying in my bed.
I shouldn't write right now, no, I should be sleeping instead.
My day, what a joke, "All in my will," is what God says.
Kick and sceam I will do what it has to take.
I will finish what I need to, and yes, I will also eat my cake.
I have 1000's of things to do, and 4 day's to complete them.
I am putting one foot infront of the other until I defeat them.
Sin.
Leave me alone.
Guess what?
I hung up.
There will be no answer at my phone.
Gosh is feels good to blow you off.
Actually, feel's great, pardon me, *Caugh Caugh*.
I am really falling asleep now.
My eyes are wide shut.
I am so tierd Lord, fill my cup.
Simple stay simple, Ha, I will do my best.
What's there to lose, I have no one to impress.

I give everything over to you Lord

This Party Called Life

My hands shiver and shake, just do it for goodness sakes.
We laugh a little, touch a little more.

Innocents that wants was owned by my very two hands
Now lays in the essence of that single man.
Oh innocents, thanks for sticking around for a little while.
I have to now fend for it myself, waking up to see below is shattered tile.

I can't say it was all you, but I trusted you.
It was like roses, you were so enticing.
Life is costly; I'm finding out, it's very pricey.

Your hands slipped down my back.
I needed to say something.
It's hard when you’re so good.
It's hard, but I knew we would.

Speak a little softer.
Stop kissing down my neck.
Oh never mind, "What the heck."

Ready?
I don't know how I can be ready for this.
This pleasure, this bliss.

Basketball shirt, you're really making me work.
Move a little closer, hug a little tighter.
Is it burning in here, or is it just us two on fire.

Your hands slipped down my back.
I needed to say something.
It's hard when you’re so good.
It's hard, but I knew we would.

Happy Birthday Sheena

.... Here's to another year, another laugh, another cry, another everything.
Another better understanding, another chance to change, another open door, another day to embrace God.
I give everything over to you Lord

Trying to Try

I don't know if trying to try is good enough, but, I'm trying never the less. My sister is sometime the least person I can count on, and yet at the same time, she's the only person I CAN count on. Yes, I'm still TRYING to figure it out as well. I feel like if it weren’t for me she would never get out, never smile, and have fun. Nothing that I do necessarily, I just like getting out, smiling, and having fun, so it rubs off on her. But at the same time, she still is a hard nut to crack. I've asked her so many times to go out with me and hang out with me, but she is always doing homework, to tired, doesn't want to, hanging out with her boyfriend, has to work, to busy, has to hang out some girls from the youth, has a meeting for youth, or my favorite, "I JUST CAN'T SHEENA." So from now on, I think I am going to pull back, not ask, maybe that will work, why am I working so hard for her to hang out with me. Her focus is on everyone else, everything else. I write freely knowing she won't read this because she's to busy to read my Blog, she just to busy Sheena, it's not that your not worth her time or that your not important enough.... or maybe that's it. She makes me shut off, bottle up, and keep it in. I don't know if trying to try is good enough, but I'm trying never the less. She's still my best friend. My best friend
I give everything over to you Lord

Home Home Home Safe

I guess the Lord wasn't finished with me. I'm home safe.
Thank you
I give everything over to you Lord

Home Home Home Again

So, I'm leaving California in about 20 minutes, back home.
I know it's weird of me to say it, but I want to write a last blog if I happen to not make it home today. I am learning how to remember that my days here are numbered. I need to count every moment as if it was my time to go. If I make it home, I guess God is telling me I'm not quite finished here down on earth. We'll see.
Love like you just loved for the first time.
I give everything over to you Lord

Lost

This is my last full say spent in California, I don't want to leave.
I'm lost in my own thoughts.
I want to live here.
I give everything over to you Lord

Ryan

I want to be a light in this dark and cold world.
I want to be a women who is striving for greatness.
I want to be an example, that directs you to the Lord.
I want to be sure I don't forget that my days here are numbered.

I went to my cousins church this morning, and I tried seeing the different things the youth ministry does compared to our's in Scottsdale. Seeing how the youth leader's interact with the students and what not. For pure self-improvement. Worship was okay, I have to say I do enjoy how our worship leader does worship. I still can't judge considering we are still worshiping the Lord. So I sat with anticipation to see what the message was going to be like, to see what I was going to learn. Well there has been a huge, frankly tragic event that has happened in the church. One of the 18 years old boys, Ryan Blakeslee, was driving home from somewhere one day, him and two other girls. The van Ryan was driving in swerved and hit the center divider and they got out of the car to check everything out. As they were standing in front of the van, a off duty police officer was driving home and he hit the van, pushing in straight into the kids. Ryan was able to save both girls just in time. Ryan pushed one away and the other one got hit, only enough to push her a bit further then where she was standing. Ryan on the other hand was hit so hard he was pushed all the way on the other side of the freeway and a car heading the opposite direction hit him and Ryan past away. I smile in relief because a few weeks before Ryan had asked the youth pastor to pray for him, because he wanted to except Christ in his life. My eyes were filled with tears as I sat in church. Ryan, an 18 year old, good looking young man was killed and is now enjoying his time spend with the Lord for eternity. I desire that, I want to spend my life with Christ now, until forever. I mainly have compassion for the family of Ryan, because they are not experiencing what Ryan is right now, not yet at least. I don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I do know that I would love to die to save anothers life. Selfless. Please Lord, let me leave that way.

I give everything over to you Lord

Finished

Thankfully I have finished the wedding. The pictures turned out pretty good. I can never really judge my own photo's, but I think everything was good. My feet our tired from standing 7 and a half hours. My back hurts. My eyes are tired. YET. I am still hanging in there. I was running around, trying to catch the "perfect" moments, time after time. I don't want to think about photography or anything, for awhile at least. I saw my whole family, like all my cousins and extended family. I don't have much to say because I am beyond drained. I will post some of the photos after I upload and edit them. Exciting!
I give everything over to you Lord

Run Away

The run through of the wedding was tonight. I was worried, excited, and stressed all at the same time. It went alright, could have gone better I feel like. We'll see tomorrow I guess. I adore my family, and I know that is so the 'family' thing to say, but I seriously love them. My desire is to live here in California, closer to my family. I always feel more at home here. Lord, why is that? I may not know every California freeway route, but I know my heart feels at home here. I miss my family, their like my missing puzzle pieces. I find it odd that I am so attached to them. In a good, healthy sorta way. I don't know where I want to be right now. I need to finish school, I want to be done with that, I want to do the things I have waited to do for a long time. I am so excited to see what happens in my life, my future. I know this is probably a strange thing to think about, but in a way, I don't want the Lord to return just yet, because I feel like there is so much stuff I have yet to do. Things the Lord has gifted me with, put inside me with a passion that so on fire to succeed far beyond any failures I could ever encounter. I am scared to close my eyes for the things I will dream up. I already feel like I have no time to do the things I want to accomplish. School. That is my focus at this point in time. Remember, breathe, succeed. I am sitting in a pitch black room, both little cousins are sleeping, and I sit here wide eyed and bushy tailed. Ha. That makes me laugh. Anyway. I am tracking with the Lord, side by side, seeing what the next step to take, and I think everything is good, everything is alright! I feel like running away somewhere. One day, one night. A get away.

I give everything over to you Lord

I am SELFISH

So I am
I am selfish. Nothing new, just a reminder. I am being revealed alot of stuff. Things I have been pushing aside so gracefully. My sister. Yes. I am alwasy so rude and selfish with her. We love each other to death, best friends, truly inseperable. I can't seem to bite the dust and leave the inconsiderate Sheena home, for good. I always seem to get my way. Rude. I know. The more I write and think about my selfishness the more I don't want to think about it. I understand that I am, but there is something I have yet to get over. Maturaty level? Or just flat out selfish. So I will be praying. Trying to kill my flesh, yet again, and I pray that I can have strength to be more selfless. Not nessecarilly for selfless sake, but because I need to change, the Lord is tugging at my heart. Hard.
Forgive me Lord.
Forgive me Rachel.

Let my actions speak lourder then my words
I give everything over to you Lord

I want to live where you Don't know me

I'm back in my home town. Safe and sound. California!

Went out to dinner with my cousins, aunts, grandparents, and other family memeber.

Drove around with my cousins (Had to get Shampoo!)...

The drave wasn't bad, I was happy to get out of the car. Now I am sitting with my cousin Ashley. On her bed. She has to go to sleep, so I should be getting out of her room! Tomorrow I am practicing the pictures for the wedding, and then Saturday is the BIG DAY! I am excited and scared at the same time. We'll see how it goes, I'm sure I'll write again. Before I shoot the real deal. I am so ready for change. I want to move somewhere we're no one knows me. I want to travel and enjoy our world. I want to fall in love. I think? I mainly want to leave and walk the streets knowing I will never run into someone, where people wont know my past, and I won't know the future. Ashley needs her rest, and I need to get back to Oma and Opa's house. (Grandparents). So Goodnight. Lord thank you very much for keeping me and my family safe. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always.

I give everything over to you Lord

Uh?

I am now trying to finish up packing after a LONG, BUSY day. 10:34pm. I'm tired, and a bit lonely. I'm okay. I am so excited to see all of my family in California. I need to get things done so I'll make this short. Darn! Ha. Youth was good tonight, relaxed. My head is hurting a bit and has been all night. My suitcase is lying next to me, filled with the stuff that has no value. I have to hang up about 54 shirts, and I need to get it done quickly. Hurry Hurry! I miss my friend Josh. He's at school in Utah. My friend Brittany is gone for a month. And now I'm leaving. I don't feel at home. I need to go, I've got packing to do.
I give everything over to you Lord

100%

I wouldn't call it lucky.
But it feels like luck.
Would it be more like fait?
Destiny.
My divine date.

The wink.
The smile.
The laugh.
Our perfect hour.

Wedding bells.
Bottom lip kisses.
Vacation spots.
Little wishes.
I give everything over to you Lord

Welcome Back

I haven't written anything in awhile. 5 day's. But it feels like a long time after writing everyday. I needed a break from everything for a little. Plus, I've been beyond busy. I'm doing the photography for my cousins wedding, and I have been trying to get everything ready for that. It's been crazy, seriously. I have 8 lenses and I'm trying to find the best ones for portrait, the actually ceremony, and for the reception. I could never be a wedding photographer! Actually. I take that back. I could if I wanted. Just choosing not to. Positive thinking. Yes, so. I have been super busy with all of that. But working a lot, and still working out, and trying to finish the art stuff at my church, the stuff for camp. I'm excited to see how everything get's pulled together. Today is my run-around-day, since I don't work. I am getting my hair cut, have to find a functional dress for the wedding, I'm meeting Nate tonight to choreograph the dance for camp, and I have to go to my school and change my social security number, ah, and my sister is now asking me if I could run some errands for her. SURE WHY NOT! I stayed about till about 2:00 last night with my sister. We hung out with our old time friends, literally grew up with each other, Michael, Albert, and Francesco. It was fun to catch up; we danced all night, and just relaxed. I want coffee right now! So, That was a little update, I will be writing more. I'm leaving to California the 10th, but I'll still be able to write there. I'll be crazy busy, but I'll slip in a line.
I give everything over to you Lord

Seriously

I'd rather die knowing I tried but failed. Then die knowing I never even tried.
I give everything over to you Lord