Independent

Back in the day, Kelly Clarkson released a song called, "Miss Independent," and I think I might have listened to it one too many times when I was younger. Because, in the past few months I have been wrestling with this, "I don't need anyone" perspective I have developed. This development didn't just happen overnight, instead, I am coming to find out that it is deeply rooted in past experiences, past hurt and the desire to protect myself from feeling "screwed over."  I posture myself as if I am self-sufficient, lacking the need to have others care for me, love me, check up on me or help me. I must say, I have been told that I make it really easy for others to believe I don't need them or even  value their efforts of trying to love and take care of me. My fear is if I allow myself to feel loved, cherished and important, I will be setting myself up for a huge let down and eventually all I will be left with is a broken heart. Even though, at times, I keep people at arms distance, I know in my heart that we are all created with a desire to be in relationship with others and to have others help us shoulder the burdens this life brings. Unfortunately, the oh so familiar feeling of wanting to protect myself creeps up and puts a wedge between me and the level of intimacy I am allowing to form within my relationships with others. I am finding out that it is a dangerous place to be. But more then dangerous, I am finding out how unhealthy it is to push people away because of my fear of being hurt, letdown, forgotten, or worse... being an inconvenience to others.

I haven't overcome this battle. Yet! {My stab at trying to remain optimistic} But I have been learning a lot about myself and how I operate. Finding out the areas I still need to grow in and the ways I am looking forward to seeing God touch and transform my life.

If you think of it, pray for me. For the fear I have, the guardedness I am clinging to, and for my inability to let people take care of me. I am the furthest thing from where I'd like to be so I figured a good place to start is in prayer.

I give everything over to You Lord

Reaching People

Last night, I was driving home from a long planning meeting I had for the youth ministry summer camp I am helping head up. It was an extremely exhausting meeting that lasted 6 hours. I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about how much needed to get done to pull off this huge summer camp event. I was emotionally and mentally spent. I kept repeating to myself, "Jesus, let these students encounter you. It will make these long hours worth everything. Jesus, let these students encounter you. Jesus, let these students encounter you."

On my drive home I was listening to music and singing my heart out. (This happens regularly!) I heard my phone go off. I looked down and I noticed that I had received a Facebook message from a friend of a friend. She sent me a message that read, "Hey girl!!!! Check it!!! Your story is changing lives in BC Canada!! Killer message girl! Keep doing Gods work." She also attached this photo:

 

My heart skipped a beat! 

Before receiving that message, I was questioning if all my hard work that I am putting into the ministries I am a part of, is paying off. I know it is probably not the best thing to question, but sometimes if I am not focused on the reasoning for why I do what I do, (Which is Jesus), I can start to feel discouraged. The message she sent me couldn't have come at a better time. God reminded me of this: "You do what you can do, and I'll do what only I can do!" 

I am so blessed to be a part of what God is doing. He is so incredible. He has been working behind the sense in my life, refining me, teaching me, correcting me, and continually loving me. This video and the lives it is touching is merely a byproduct of what God has done personally in my life. Having a personal relationship with Jesus shouldn't just impact your own personal life... It should undeniably impact the lives around you.

Get real with Jesus so you can experience true freedom.

I give everything over to You Lord

Breaking The Bondages Of Words

It is often times easier to identify the dysfunction and shortcomings of others. It can be more of a challenge to have an outside perspective on the areas in our own lives that we need to deal with. I want to give you some back story on why I am writing about this topic.

I have grown up living life as a true dreamer. I have always had big plans and dreams for my life, some of which I have been able to accomplish. And then there are other dreams and goals I am stirring in the eyes thinking to myself, "How will I ever accomplish this." In a perfect world, we would all love to have tons of supportive people that partner with us, through encouragement and resources, to help us achieve our goals and our life long dreams. Except, we all know that there will be people in our lives that will tell us, "We Can't," "That dream is to big," "You aren't able to do that," or whatever else those optimistic people have to say! If you can't tell already, I am writing from personal experience. I have encountered people throughout my life that told me, "I shouldn't," and "I am not qualified," to accomplish the things I feel God calling me to. Their words penetrated my heart and shook the very dreams I felt like I was called to achieve. I started to unravel at the thought that maybe what I felt like I am called to do is wrong. Or even worse, not honoring to God. My whole reason for living and my existence is to serve Jesus and I want nothing more then my life to be a walking example of that.

There has been a few specific things that I have been trying to find release and healing from. I have prayed, I have read the Word, and I have spoken with others that I love and trust. But I can still hear their words and the voices in my head. If I could be vulnerable for a minute, here are some of the things that run through my mind:

I am unqualified
I am not educated enough
I am not important
I am not pretty enough (May sound lame, but that thought is there)
I couldn't possibly be used to change the world I live in

Sad right? That I would hear these haunting voices over and over and over again, ringing in my head. But I wasn't done giving these thoughts to God. I wanted to be free. Since Jesus is so faithful to hear our hearts and knowing what we need, He opened up a very unexpected opportunity for me to continue to find healing. I had the chance to speak with one of the pastors at my church about the things that people have told me. He walked me through different steps, asking me questions, seeking answers from God, and at the end of it, I walked away surprised about the outcome. My pastor asked me this, "Who is telling you these lies." I stopped and thought about it. My responds was this... "Me." I could have given credit to the devil and blamed him for letting these thoughts creep in my mind, but he doesn't have that kind of control over my thought life. I will not give him the power to speak lies and words that destroy what God is calling me to.

I have been the one feeding the lies. Fueling them. I haven't spent enough time taking all my thoughts captive. Just because someone said something to me once doesn't mean I have to keep it on repeat for the rest of my life. Please don't misunderstand me though, I am not saying dismiss the hurt or the damage that can be caused by other peoples words. I am simply saying that in my situation, I need to stop focusing on what everyone else has said and focused on the truth. And the truth is this...  I am called.

There is a huge difference between being "qualified" and being called. In the Bible God used people that, from the outside, seemed totally unqualified. He used the young boy, David, to defeat a giant. He used a young peasant girl, Mary, to give birth to the Son of God. God used Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, to deliver the Israel from the Ammonites. Those three people alone seem the least bit equipped to tackle such honorable things in life. God wasn't looking for who was qualified, instead, it had everything to do with who He had called. I may not be called to the great things that David, Mary, and Jephthah were called to, but I do know that God is calling me to change the world in which I live. I don't know what the rest of my journey looks like, but I am learning to take my thoughts captive, to trust in Jesus, and to serve and go wherever He calls me to. Because I am called.

I give everything over to You Lord

The Story Behind My Spoken Word "Testimony"

I felt inspired to write a spoken word about my testimony two years ago. So I sat down and began writing. I finished my spoken word in about two days. I then began to memorize it in hopes that one day I'd be able to share with people. & my hopes turned into reality about a year ago when I was asked to perform it at an open mic night my church was having. There was a room of about 50 people and I nervously took the stage and shared my journey with everyone. The responds I got after performing my spoken word was incredible. Everyone was so encouraging and I left feeling blessed and excited about how God has worked in my life.

(Image from when I performed at the Open Mic Night)

The day after I performed my spoken word, I drove out to LA with my sister-in-law. I told her about how I wanted to film my spoken word because I wanted a physical representation of the internal work that God has done in my life. I wanted to create a piece that embodied me. I originally wanted to create a video that would only be seen by me and family, but it turned into so much more. My sister-in-law sweetly offered her help and we decided to film my spoken word while we were in LA. (Remember, this took place a year ago). Months after we filmed Jessa (My sister-in-law) came down to Phoenix again and I was able to get the footage from her. So I downloaded the clips and took it to my friends at Parametric Studios and they tried working with what I had. Unfortunately, there was two many things that they needed that I wasn't able to provide them. They kindly offered to re-film it. So I decided that it would be a good idea! So exactly a year after I originally filmed mu spoken word, Joel, Alex, my cousin Ashley and myself went to down town Phoenix and filmed. We all were melting in the sun, but we pushed through and wrapped up after about 3 1/2 hours of filming. I left the footage in the talented hands of Joel and Alex.

A week or so later, I went to the Parametric Studios and recorded the audio that would overdub what I had recorded in the original video takes. I was tying to use all my multitasking skills at once; I was listening to my audio in head phones, while watching myself on screen from my film, while trying to say my spoken word. Let me tell you, matching the movements of my lips was quite a difficult task. Thankfully, 7 hours later, I finished! And again, I left my spoken word in the trusty hands of Alex! 

A few weeks later I received an e-mail with the first cut of my video! I was ecstatic! I probably looked like a complete moron as I squirmed around in my room with excitement! I eventually received several other e-mails over a three week time span... and then it happened... I got the final video cut with audio and music. I watched as tears weld up in my eyes. I sat back and spent time soaking in the greatness of everything Jesus has done in my life.

I wanted my spoken word to encompassed the pain I have faced, as well as the beautiful realization that Jesus has been faithfully by my side throughout my story. I knew that this spoken word would be a very vulnerable piece that let people into the mess of my life and the battles I have walked through. But I can gladly say, I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for the gracious and loving guidance from Jesus. He has healed my brokenness and has restored my life. I am truly blessed. Be inspired! 

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A very special thanks to Joel and Alex from Parametric Studios. They spent many hours and hard work to make this video look and sound incredible! You can find them of Facebook, here: https://www.facebook.com/ParametricStudios

My Feet Will Wonder Towards Adventure

Right now, I am able to look at my life and the things God is doing... and actually appreciate it! You know how some times we can miss what God is really doing in our lives? And the only way we really see the hand of God working in and through our lives is when we look back to past experiences and say, "Wow, I couldn't even see what God was doing." I know that I can't see all of His greatness working in my life, but I can see and even feel a lot of what He is doing. It is truly inspiring. To have a personal relationship with my Savior.

I was recently blessed with the chance to get out of town for a long weekend trip to Utah. I was mainly visiting my sister and my brother-in-law but had the chance to visit the church they are helping start. I have lots of amazing friends out in Salt Lake City who are serving Jesus, so it was incredible to spend time with them as well! I knew the trip would be a nice chance for me to get away, I just didn't realize how much it would impact me. But I was in for a wonderful surprise!

Since my sister was working a few nights when I was there, I had a chance to go to coffee shops and relax. I actually took that free time I had to read this book called, "The Next Generation Leader" (Which I sincerely love!) and I also spent that time, dreaming, praying, editing photos, updating my new phone, and driving around a new town. I am a sucker for adventure. I enjoyed my time in Utah so much. I love driving places and not completely knowing where I am going. I love the new views, smells, people, and atmospheres I got to experience. This trip did wonders. While I was spending time just talking with God, I could feel Him start to pour dreams and goals in my life that I have kind of left on the wayside. I have found this new appreciation for traveling. Like this undeniable, gonna die if I don't do it, kind of traveling. I feel like I have finally come full circle with some of the tough situations I have gone through these past 6  months. And I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is a beautiful site to see! I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the unconditional love of my family and close friends and my ever growing relationship with Jesus. It is humbling.

So as I start to learn how God will have these crazy dreams pan-out, I will be prayerfully expectant for the new and exciting, while remembering the importance of my "now." Remembering that my current life is just as crucial to the big picture as anything else that will happen in my future!

Oh goodness. I am so excited to be alive and living out my dreams.

I give everything over to You Lord

Standing Still & Waiting

At one point I stood still in the crowd at the Hillsong concert, I just attended. I could literally feel the excitement run through my blood stream. My dreams and visions flashed before me. The art, design, music, and lights on the stage set fueled even more thoughts and ideas within me. My passion was met with a flood of inspiration. I am trying to find a beautiful balance between staying consistent with what is in front of me while also looking ahead to what doors are opening in the future. I often feel antsy with where I am in life. There is this undeniable urge for adventure. To experience something new and to see the world around me. This whole post may sound cliché, but I have been feeling like I want to start and build and pursue my dreams. I have an itch to encounter something unfamiliar, something new and uncertain. I feel like there is something awaiting me that is just around the corner, but I am blind to what it is. I have no idea what the next season of life looks like, but I have tons of things stirring inside me.

While I am ready to embark on the next journey that is ahead of me, I have noticed that some of my thoughts have been making me feel a little "tied down." I want to start an Urban Art Center, I want to reach the lost and broken people, I want to dance again, I want to travel to different states or different countries, but I can't help but feel a little less excited knowing I will be doing it on my own. I so desperately want my best friend to do all of these things with me. & When I say "best friend" I really mean husband. I just want to collide ideas with someone who is just as passionate and thrilled about living this life intentionally and having fun along the way. I am not the kind of girl to "wait around" for a guy (as I mentioned in my previous post), but I can't help but feel a desire to work hand in hand with my best friend and to do each life adventure together.

Nevertheless, I know that there is a flood gate of opportunities that lay before me that always remind me to refer back to my life motto. "Faithful in the small, expectant for the big." I value consistency in others as I also try to remain a person of consistency. I am attempting to do this by being consistent in everything that is currently in front of me. The ministry opportunities I have, the friends I have, the family I have, the job I have, the dance community I know, the personal growth I am encountering, and the Biblical and speaking training I am receiving, to name a few! I have been prayerfully trying to figure out the "next step" in my future. If I think to long about it I get all confused and anxious, so I am always learning how to let go and let God take the lead.

I give everything to You Lord

Family First

I don't know if your journey is anything like mine... But if it is then you may be able to relate to this post.

I've always believed family first - As in, my parents, siblings and in-law's. I love family, appreciate family and would not be where I am if it wasn't for my family. Family is a beautiful thing. Although I have always placed such a high importance on my immediately, I have never desired a family of my own. Like husband and kids kinda stuff! I suppose I could dig deeper into, "Why"and I'm sure I'd find that I have always been sort of scared to start a family. Knowing the kind of deep love I'd pour into the relationship with my husband, while being fully aware that I'll be deeply hurt at times. So I almost buried the desire to even let myself feel, or desire, or pursue a relationship that would eventually turn into a family. Until last year, I started dating a guy from my church, we grew up in the same youth group together and we eventually fell in love and got engaged. Romantic huh? Well, somehow my life is full of surprises and our relationship got to a place where I had to make some really hard, life changing decisions. Needless to say, I'm not engaged. I've been postponing the day I write about it because I knew that once I did, it would be real. That there would be no hope for me to start a family with him. Or at this point, anyone. While that time in my life has been one of the hardest times I've faced, there has been so many positives that have come from the relationship. During the process of being in that relationship, God did something amazing. Something that I thought I'd never feel. Something I thought I'd never desire. I, for the VERY first time, have a deep longing and desire to have a family of my own. While to some this is a normal desire, even from a young age, I've never felt this before. I feel excitement for the first time to really become one with someone. I find myself even hesitating while I write this because I am asking myself, "Are you sure you really desire a husband and kids?" While simultaneously I am fully confident that God has truly softened my heart. I want a family. Tears well in my eyes even picturing the beauty of my "One day!" I sit here thrilled even picturing my very own family.

My life and the journey I've walked, hasn't been easy, but it truly has been amazing. Sincerely, I wouldn't trade a moment of the pain I've been through. Because in those times I have been refined. And for that, I am humbled and eternally grateful.

And this is what I feel like the best part of this whole epiphany is. Although I finally realize my desire for a husband and kids I am not waiting until I am married to pursue all the things that God has for me. That may sound really logical, but, I know so many people who feel like their life doesn't start until after they're married. I am thankful to say that with or without a husband I know God has called me to some very specific things that I need to accomplish in my life, regardless of my relationship status. That is so freeing! Because I don't feel the need to "wait around" for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. Rather, I want to be running towards everything I am called to pursue and then find someone who will run alongside me. With passion, drive, goals, and a desire to also start a family.