Chances, Changes

I need to make some changes again. With me. My life. I'll get back to you when I know what they are, but for now, I need to think about it in depth. Who's ready for change!!!!!

Stitches

I don't think he ever understood

But than again...

It is the worst feeling

So I wish he never would

I won't waist a good title on you

I have spent so much time editing my Blog profile, that, I have no energy to write anything in depth or Sheena's version of intelligent. I think I might, JUST, be catching a cold, and I am not to happy about it. I have had a stomach bug off and on for two days. It's a downer. I need some rest. So, goodnight. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Unexpected Freedom

She slips on the dress that was made to fit only her, the shoes, just her size, mom looks on with tears in her eyes. Sweet angel, she's all gown up, this was a dream come true, they agreed that they would both follow through.  Already she had the wedding glow, she glanced in the mirror, it was evident, it was clear. Cupid got her this time, and now marriage was the only thing on her mind. Planned and ready, the house was prepared too, their supposedly beautiful fairy tale, the "Just me and you."  Working a few jobs, people said, "I'd pay off," now she's in her cold bed alone every five minutes checking her phone. Doubts of why she's still living, and what's the use, dedicated to reading her Bible but still somehow can't find the truth. Her heart was gently stitched out of her chest, pinned, dripping with blood, left right on her desk. Oh the nerve he must have, leaving her weeping, sad, becoming this monster, wait, or her "Dad?"  Her beautiful white dress lays in morning, put to death.  A darling girl, left before walking to the alter, went out drinking, didn't even think to call her. Ignorant mistakes, he has dug himself a grave, she knows God forgives, but can this guy be saved? No, her "Glass slipper fairy tale" has not shattered from his toss, just another battle won, she doesn't know the meaning 'lost.' She was supposed to be his wife, taking each other hand in hand, I guess not right now, God has a different plan. Judgement day will come, and hurt wont last forever, wedding bells will ring and she will live her 

"Happily ever after." 

I give everything over to you Lord

Just Like the Moon

The beautiful night depicts the soft spell of roses, hardly detected over the candle lit on the table. The waves of love come crashing down in the form a kiss, gentleness never felt so good. Pain so void and happiness was vivid. Courageous thoughts flush the things that were once impossible. The stokes play like a beautiful song to the body. Passion in it's rawest form. Expectance was never questioned and the glazed eyes tell the secretes of the underling peace. Captivating. Life was meant for this. Smiles thats read the best night time story any ear has heard. No gift could amount to this form of happiness. Everything was in reach, everything desired was steering straight back into the eyes that thought life was the absents of color. It felt like stage fright, the way the butterflies flew around deep in the stomach. Yet, glancing around, there was no lights, no cameras... real life. The voice floating around in the back of the head said, "Tears were filling heavens eyes." The beaten and bruised heart was now mended, polished, priceless...

I give everything over to you Lord

They Come True

Fairy Tale; especially : marked by seemingly unreal beauty, perfection, luck, or happiness

If the world stopped telling everyone fairy tales is this "seemingly unreal" type of stuff, some of us still might believe in fairy tales. What if I changed the definition. Maybe not for everyone but for me.

Sheena's Definition:

Fairy Tale; Real, obtainable, hard work, but very possible, happiness, beauty

Phrases that have been brutalized and no longer extend a powerful meaning:

"Dream's come true"

"Fairy Tale"

"A good guy"

"I promise"

"I love you"

I want to be the dream come true for someone, that turns into the beautiful fairy tale, with a good guy, that I will promise to love forever.

I give everything over to you Lord

GOD CHICKS

I am home from California, and I can happily tell you that I have come home changed for the better. I did a little more growing up, I stand a little taller with the pure refreshing confidence that God is my father, he is my King, and I am his Princess! An intricately designed, powerful princess! I leaned that part of growing up is leading others to grow up too. Have grace on me while I try an explain the details of what I learned. As a woman of God, I have been called to bond with other strong women in the Lord and break the enemy, while fulfilling our purpose here on earth. Our God breathed purpose. No more immature "Girl on girl crime," as  one of the speakers put it. I was there for three days, every morning and evening there was a service with worship, teaching, talent, and women from all parts of the world, (Literally), just to come to this conference. I can't actually express everything I learned, there was a lot of eternal growth. I am usually good at expressing myself through words, but somehow can't seem to write my heart today. Maybe just not tonight. All in all, I have been dusted off, built up, and I have past a milestone and God has given me another opportunity to grow even more. I'm ecstatic to see the wonderful things stored ahead in my life. I have to say, Elicia was one of my favorite parts of the three days. Erica has been such a blessing in my life, and I adore her for wanting me to come so bad, it was more than worth it. I feel as thought I can be a better friend, daughter, cousin, neighbor, employee, girlfriend, wife, sister, sister-in-law, classmate, stranger, youth leader, creative team leader, and ultimately a better Princess for my King. One thing that has stuck with me is this little illustration Holly gave. (She is the women who heads up the whole conference) She said, if your in a grocery store line that is taking, what seems like forever, and a man comes up behind you and trips, spilling his Starbucks coffee all down the back of your white silk shirt, how will your react? She began to say, God has given you another chance to respond not react. So, I will try to be the Bible the man will read for the day. Maybe I'm the only one who will show him a little grace, a little glimpse of God. I want to be the Bible people read for the day. That is my prayer.

I give everything over to you Lord

This Was Written By A 14 Year Old Girl

"remember when...
you talked about getting high,
and it meant on the swings.
when the only protection you needed,
was a helmet.
when your dad,
was the only guy in your life.
when racial issues were,
who could run the fastest.
and the only mistakes you made,
could be erased from your paper.
now...
getting high only takes a needle.
birth control sales are higher than cold medicine.
you have no boyfriend, only nights you regret.
racial slurs are shouted left and right.
your writing in pen now,

you can't erase the mistakes."
.
-haley alana zambie.

She's in 9th grade.

stands taller than me at 19

loves the lord

her questions make me question

i give everything over to you lord

Forgiveness

Sorry for my bad attitude lately, I know it hasn't been approved by the Lord, and hasn't been admire by my friends. I can't seem to catch my break. I shove my feelings down the drain, but somehow the current flows up. I have angered myself to the point of tears when I come to the realization, I am simply bitter that I am alone yet I blame it on the fact that, "I hate all guys." I have openly blabbed my mouth about the inadequacy of men. For that, I ask you for forgiveness. Although I have not totally changed my heart the bitterness I feel is in process of being defeated. I am still so upset, and I feel like I can love no guy because of the persistent need to disappoint me. I will think about it more. Maybe it all comes down to jealousy and loneliness. We'll see. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Don't Broth- I mean, Don't Bother

I have erased my sentence 8 times.
For fear that you wouldn't completely understand my life right now.
I question why these problems are flooding my life right now.
I have lost hope in every guy, ever.
I have lost hope in me, I can't seem to fight addictions.
I have lost hope in things going up from here.
I am in the "Same old" stage of life.
I hold back the vomit from my mouth when guys talk to me. I want nothing to do with them. I have a hard time believing they deserve my respect. They are crude, rude, they have dirty minds, and they care more about getting you in bed for then night, than getting to know you for ONE NIGHT. 
You're hot than your cold
You're yes than your no
You're in then your out
You're up than your down
We fight and break up
We kiss and make up
"You change your mind like a gils changes clothes."

Mr. and Mrs. Romance

I miss having someone wanting to talk to me more than anyone in the world. I miss having someone there when I am in the dark, and there is no one here but me. I miss having someone holding my hand and fitilling with my fingures. I miss someone wispering to me about how they adore me. I miss having someone there when I fill up one seat out of a 5 seater couch. I miss knowing who's calling when my phone rings. I miss having someone there. I miss you. But, I resist everything that tells me to call you. I tell myself my phone is broken to you, it won't work if I try calling you. Not this time. Not text time. I miss you. I miss when you used to love me, remember? I miss you, and then I remember I used to miss you.
I give everything over to you Lord

Provision

The word that is stuck in my head is the word provision. He provides past all understanding, I am happy, tear filled eyes, but happy. My parents have touched me and through me have helped my beautiful friend Brittany. Provision. God is good. I am secure in my dads arms. I am beautiful in my moms arms. I can't say much more then I AM BLSSED. God saw a weak spot, and he provided, for someone who is so dear to us. My darling B. Everything will be okay. Everything is just fine. Divine. And at the same time, it's okay when things are perfect. God thank you. I have a song on replay in my head. 

"Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted 

Wasn't it far beyond my reach?

Give me your heart for the once forgotten

Give me your eyes so I can see

I've Been there a million times

A couple of million eyes

Just moving past me by

I swear I never thought that I was wrong

Well I want a second glance

So give me a second chance"

So he gave me the eyes so I can see. The things that I was missing. My arms are stretched to the broken hearted and now those are no longer forgotten. I am no longer missing. Give your eyes for more then just this second. I don't want to miss it. 

I give everything over to you Lord

What happens when I'm weak

I have reached in a point in my life, when life, is catching up to what I thought I had under control. I have this odd thing in life where it's always just me. Friends. Well. They have always come and gone. I have had some of the bestest best friends in the world, and I have lost the very people I trusted my life with. Now, I settle with the simple fact that I never leave my friends, but somehow always get left. No, this isn't a pity party, just facts. I am simple. I am alone. Alone here on earth, for now, it's a temporary place. I have never really had a problem with being single, but I have been feeling more single now than ever. Is that possible? Maybe I just crave for the very comfort of knowing that someone wants to fight for me. Damsel in distress? Hardly, I forgot to tell you, I exaggerate. But I feel at a loss, like there is this empty void, that had never been filled but for a moment. I hate writing about this. This lonely awkward out of place feeling I always happen to fall back to. I just somehow can't find the time to shake the weird feeling and bite the dust, move on with me. At the same time, through this mess, I feel so proud of myself, the things I have been accomplishing and now I feel like I have the capability to do a thousand things at once. God has stretched my talents so thin, used every ounce I have left in me, and still squeezes just a drip out more to fulfill His will. I am super happy about the things I have been completing, but I am yet to be satisfied with me. Harshly put, I am not the beauty I want to portray. I don't hold the elegance I desire, and I certainly don't reflect how I feel inside. I am different, yet I have never changed, I am beauty but have yet to be framed, I am famous but yet to have a name, I am crazy yet to be sane, I am yours but yet to be claimed. So I write another night, when I feel like my bed and pillow know me better then my friends. Better yet, the keys that my fingers touch every night know me better than most. Shame. Slightly. Hardly. I am strong. 

But what happens when I'm weak. 

I give everything to you Lord

Talent

I find that everyone can use me in one way or anything.

Barrow my talent, God gave it to me for you to use.

Barrow.

Back to the Beginning

Blood and water hit the ground...

I AM. YOU ARE.

I Am
.Cool
..Collective
...Creative
....Casual
.....Coming
......Cared
.......Calm
........Caffeinated
.........Catchy
..........Clean
...........Charmed
............Cashless
.............Capable
..............Champion
...............Chosen
................Changing
.................Careful
..................Close
...................Captured
I Am

Random

Take a shower now and stay up later.

OR...

Go to bed now and take a shower earlier.

Decisions decisions!

I give everything to you Lord

p.s. I am choosing the one where I get to sleep NOW!

They Do Exist!

So.. I am kindly smacked in the face, and I am reminded that good guys DO exist. I was sitting in Coffee Plantation on the couch with my sister, studying. There was a young man who walked in and order his drink and then sat down. I glanced over and he was reading his Bible and a few other books. I smiled and turned away, God was saying, "Hey Sheena, there is guys who fight for Me, you just may not encounter then very often." My sister looked at me and said, "Sheena, do you know what, God is going to bring you a man of God who will shoot your passion through the roof because of his influence on you." I had not talked to my sister about my thoughts of guys right now, and she hasn't read my Blog, it was straight from up above. I hadn't even asked God to bring a good guy my way, but he gave me a little reminder anyway. I didn't know the guy, but he showed me that God fearing men EXIST! Before he left, the guy, Jared, walked up to my sister and I and said, "Hey do you guys go to South Western Bible College?" My sister began telling how she does and I don't and he was like oh I have a few friends who go there. He said that he was actually a youth pastor at a church near by our house. So we all chatted a bit more and come to find out we all knew a few of the same people. Small world. My thoughts are put into prospective and I continue my day with a little more ease. Homework. Homework. Homework. My next task today. Give me strength Lord

I give everything over to you Lord

Decent, That's All I Asked For

I realized I am a very socially awkward person. Mainly with guys. I have been around so many guys who are down right crude and simply want me more for my body then for my heart. I am disgusted, I searched so deeply and I literally forget what It's like to have a nice guy be plight to me. I am crushed. I am really not trying to write an,"Oh my gosh, I hate boy's, they're all pigs," Blog, but I am fighting to remember when I ran into a decent guy. I am not talking AMAZING, just decent. I worry that I may never find a good guy, and so now I don't fight for it. For maybe the chance to have a decent conversation with a guy who wants to know me, my hobbies, the things that make me smile. A guy who can walk me to my car and not try to kiss me before I leave,  but merely making sure I make it to my car safely. Or a guy who can come dancing with me and not dance on me, or come to my house to watch a movie with me and talk with my parents and not just try to get some on the couch. I find myself describing a guy who can just be my friend, but at the same time, I feel like I am asking to much. I want to be reassured that good guys do come along, that good guys do EXIST. Someone reassure me. I think part of my hang up is that I believed in some of my closest guy friends and they went the opposite way of what they could have been. Should'a, Would'a, Could'a. I know. I shouldn't say that. But I saw so much potential in these guys and they ended up on the other end of the spectrum.  I yell out to God inside my head, "WHY", why do I feel so alone, even the deepest and closest best friends seem to clash with my personality. I am not saying that this mess couldn't just be me, but I highly doubt it. Sorry. I am being honest, that's what I need from people, the honest truth, about everything. I am so tired of the sugar coated crap people have to say. JUST SAY IT LIKE IT IS. I am frustrated beyond all words, confused past all measure, and the last bone in my body that cared... just broke. So I no longer care. That's a lie. So maybe one day down the road I will write about a guy I meet. A nice guy. That's nice. Maybe one day. Just maybe. 

I give everything over to you Lord