These Cracks Shatter

" This Hungry Heart Will Not Subside 

I'm Staying I'm Leaving

I Won't Be Deceived "

I give everything over to You Lord

I'm Finding A Way To Tell You

Romance kicks the heart of us youth and we are forced to ask if this is real. Our thoughts our clouded with the voices of our "supporters" which makes the future hard to see. The keeper's of our soul seem to be the only one's who can understand, the only ones who can touch us and our world seems to slow to a beautiful breath taking experience. We've waited for this day, we've sought after our own memories with our own true loves, and yet we are suppressed with the thought that we still can not handle our own life. There is humor in watching them fight for our future when they have no control. It's the deep breaths and slow steps that has brought us to this place of restless questions and meaningful smiles. Our elegance seems to hold fast to our life and people still have the desire to say, "We don't trust you." There is impossibilities with actually knowing the date and time of our completion, our fairy tale.  Never the less, it's as if we're children learning once again how to try a bow with our shoe laces. Yet, we succeeded and it may not be easier to tie a knot, but success is all we truly know. See, we understand that there is battles that will be fought and love that will be given, but we have never asked for the easy way out.  We simply wanted to fight for what we knew-- for what we know we were made for. The brisk air may hit our face's faster then we expected and we me collide with reality harder then we thought, but this time, someone is holding our hand to the finish line. It's for our laugh, smile, kiss, breath, voice, timing, beauty, hands, words, caring, movement, whispers, eyes, and our love. I wouldn't give credit to them fully, for this excitement, but then again, I would.

I give everything over to You Lord

Fresh Beginning

I've face planted on this journey and have been forced to realize how captivating these few foot steps have been. This audible, scarcely seen adventure is now turning heads with its wonder. The shock value has yet to wear off and memories are endless. Umbrella's have shaded our face to long, we are destined for greatness but we need to see the light.  Surely we are remarkable beings on a pathway all our own, but there is room for two here on my road. I've kicked rocks and picked flowers along this naive voyage but I'm unsatisfied with the results. See I long to turn over boulders  with my hands and plant seeds where water is lacking, because if there is fruit from my labor I know it will be genuine. I've sought after an expedition, one involving battles won and lives changed, instead I've be hit with a bigger excursion than my imagination has marveled. I've dreamed the dreams and pictured the future, but I'm still confused, and unable to comprehend this masterpiece. Verbalizing has always been a challenge and emotions were kept in a lock box, I don't know when my life changed and I slipped my secrets to the world. My emotions have caught my sleeve and they hold on for dear life. I'm not who I used to be, and I'm not who you want me to be, but I'm still on this trip of finding who I'm supposed to be. Steady heart beats are what keep me longing for a new day, with new opportunities. I've been handed the choice to be the "disobedient child" and the idea has floated around in my head, but it stopped when I woke up and my feet left my bed. I watch the family gather around the television and I slip quietly back into my bedroom, where I have conquered my most trying moments.  This crossing in my life is only a step into what I've been destined for, all along. I yawn in the sight of fear and I couldn't ask for a better passage. 

I give everything over to You Lord

What's Right?

When is it expectable to be angry? When is it right to be hurt and to verbalize it? When do you forgive someone who hurt you for year without recognizing that they're done anything? It's wrong to never forgive, right? But, is it wrong to not want to forgive right away, because then it might not be forgiveness at all? Is it right to be hurt and not want to open up? Is talking about every hurt a way of swallowing your pride? Is God saying it's time to forgive, getting reminded so sweetly, or is it just another accident?

I give everything over to you Lord 

How Great Is Our God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_82lZ2PpYQE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwrFILPaFWQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuF629DW9kI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUCJ0HHMSbY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUCJ0HHMSbY

Please take time to watch these videos- in order. Copy and paste the link's into a new wed window. This was a turn around in the way I thought and I got a better understanding of how GREAT our God truly is. I serve, and I hope you serve, the God that Louie Giglio is talking about. Wow! We are blessed beyond belief. 

I give everything over to you Lord

The Out Doors Makes Me Smile

Went on a bike ride.

Went to breakfast with my two neighbor boys.

Make chocolate covered strawberries.

Took a shower. 

Blog.

Sleep.

I give everything over to You Lord

When Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

I feel like I've been more reserved and cooped up in my room lately. I feel like I don't really fit in with my family anymore, and my friends category is lacking. I've been more closed off and feel, oddly enough, vulnerable. It's almost like I'm the odd ball out. My sister has her boyfriend and they are always working through things, which, leaves no time to hang out together. I feel like my sister changed so much, which is understandable, but I just don't click as well with her. I feel like she is always harping at me for some reason and I'm just not good enough. I made a ring the other day and put it on to show her. Without skipping a beat she said, "That doesn't fit you, it looks to big, oh and it really doesn't go with all the silver jewelry you wear." So, I left the room, with no complement and lacking the desire to show her anything else I made. I walked in her room just tonight and she said, "Sheena what are you going to do with your life, after you graduate." I said, "I don't know, hopefully start my own business with graphic design." She again didn't hesitate to say what she felt. "What? Why? Your not going to make any money coming straight out of college like that." So another dream of mine shot down by the built of my sisters mouth. It's hard to dream when you feel like you don't amount to much. My parents, well, my dad has work and even if he didn't I wouldn't want to hang out with him. My mom? Well, she's busy walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and somehow finds time to make it to the gym. It's like everyone has their own schedule and I just don't fit into it. I have asked Luke and Rae to hang out, but now that school is starting up again, they really don't have much free time. If they do, they usually want to spend it together, not with me. Maybe I feel this way because I haven't started back in school, so I feel like I don't have a place. My sketch book, my blog, my camera, my computer, well, they are wonderful, but they can only entertain me so long until I crave a human relationship. I was told by a friend that we would hang out this weekend, and that they'd call me. Well, both nights I never got a phone call. Which is fine, I understand that they lead their own life, I just don't understand why it doesn't effect me as much as it used to. I wouldn't say that I've lost hope in people, because I still have hope, I am just slightly used to disappointment. (I don't mean that in a "Oh life is just SO HARD" way. Please hear my heart on this.) I have a passion for people and care so deeply about my close friends, that it hurts when they don't have a desire to be around me anymore. Sure I can blame it on a busy schedule and the stresses of life, but to be honest, it is always going to be that way. I care so much about people, and so deeply, that I feel like people don't understand the desire I have to hear their hearts on issues. I'm not saying that in a prideful way, but I feel worth from people talking to me about their life and just being open with me. I don't really know if that's a bad thing or not. Maybe I used the wrong word, not worth, but I feel valued by others when they make time to talk. That's natural right? I feel like these past two blogs have been sort of a buzz kill, but these things have really been on my mind. I guess I'll see how I feel after I start school and get a normal schedule together. Maybe I'll find a place where I fit, even if I don't get a call from friends to hang out, I can bury my thoughts in school. 

I give everything over to You Lord

Daddy Knows Best

By the time I have reached my own blog, to write, I have checked up and read 18 other blogs. Where by, I have almost lost all interest in writing and feel more emotionally drained then before I started my daily blog and tumblr check ups. Now, the average person might say, "Don't read 18 other blogs and tumblr's if you feel so drained and tired." Smart idea, but, although draining and sometimes over whelming it is also a source of inspiration to me where I can learn how other "non professional" writer... write! It is a bonus that I can actually learn more about people that are close to me.  So, now, reaching my own blog to write my thoughts down, I marveled at how many girls are writing about their fathers. Unfortunately, not in a positive way but more in a way that they would never be able to look their dad's in the eye's and say what they actually felt. It is sad and disappointing to think that there is really no more "Daddies little girls" left in this world over the age of 5. Not only are these girls able to write about their feelings but they actual understand the roll their dad SHOULD be playing in their lives. 

I've talked to a girl who said, "I just thought it was the usual dad trying to connect to the daughter thing, I was raised this way. Not to open up to each other." 

Or how about another brilliant and beautiful girl who wrote, "Ohh and I bet you take pride in your family. Pride in your “work ethic” You are pathetic. Your power-trips are almost worth hysteria. You are the heaviest thing I have ever had to carry. Your voice raises my blood pressure." 

Even a 13 year old girl said, "My dad thinks he knows best but he's just a jerk to my mom and he's always grumpy. He even got annoyed because I was climbing a tree the other day." 

Now, how about this girl who said, "I sometimes forget all about him, but then there is the times when i need him & i wonder why my father is such a nut job, & why things dont register in his mind like they should.  i needed his help. get it together. pick up the pieces. put your wife’s heart back together. fix your relationships with your children." 

And something I wrote back in November saying, "Who do I share my life with, other than the four walls that make up my room? Who will feel that weight of my tears, as my pillow has for years? I no longer need that "man" they call "dad." No! I'm growing out of his chains of captivity. I am set free. Please, understand, that I still have the blood dripping, tear jerking, heart breaking feelings, scares, wounds, scabs, bruises, and cuts that were cause by this man... boy." 

That is how these fathers are effecting their daughters. I guess it can be the us girls fault though, lacking experience in life and maybe we are hormonal and just don't quite understand what we are feeling. But, on the flip side, just from those small clips of writings I would say that if anyone looks us girls in the eyes and says we do NOT understand what we are feeling, I believe that those people just simply don't understand it themselves. See, we are not ignorant and think that our daddies should be perfect, no it's quite the opposite. We are solely looking for a father that is willing to try their hardest to work for a relationship with us. To not get mad at us for feeling angry towards them, but to sit back and let us feel our feelings and actually see our fathers put forth effort to heal these wounds. To many times though, I have watched fathers sitting in front of the TV instead of their Bible. Us girls, well, we know very well that when things aren't right at the house, it's because things aren't right with daddy and God. Cause you can toss the dice how you will, and play the chance card, but you will never have a stable house if it is not founded on a soled foundation of God's love, God's grace, His word, forgiveness, mercy, strength, and power. Maybe I haven't seen walls of a house crash to the ground, but I have seen mothers and daughters and sons spirits buried alive because of the pain of the "Man of the house," if that's what they call him.  I have prayed multiple times that I will not hold my pain against my dad, I want forgiveness therefor I want should first demon-straight forgiveness. Believe me, I say it like I've been trying, but to be honest I have no motivation because I see no worth in it. I have also prayed that any man I start a relationship with will not bear my pain I have felt from my dad because I don't want to drag an innocent by stander down with me. So I can continue to write down things I have been feeling about dad's but I think the point is understood, so I remind  myself once again that, "Daddy on earth is not as good as Daddy in Heaven."

I give everything over to You Lord

I've Been More Me Lately

So, since I've been on break, I've gotten more CREATIVE. It's been nice to just sit and sctech or sit and write or simply just SIT!

I actually had time to paint a bookshelf and add a little artistic flair to it! I put news papers on the shelves and put a glossy finish on top. So now I can set things on it without the news paper getting ruined! It turned out good!

And... Now, I am working on a wooden board for a friend (Bobby), that is covered with pictures I've done of graffiti. I painted the edges black and glossed the top and sides.

It's awesome!

I've been busy, but I've been having fun! I'll be back in the riga-ma-roo Tuesday. Darn!

I give everything over to You Lord

Old time friend

Scott Macintyre, a long time homeschooling friend auditioned for American Idol this week and sure enough got through additions. Even Simon, the "tough guy" liked him and said, "Your a cool guy!" Interesting to see the people you grew up with accomplishing great things. I mean, seriously, at the age of eleven, Scott, the pianist, keyboardist and composer is brought to life in his album SEEING through SOUND. His first album at the age of eleven? He has been only moving up in life, finishing college at the age of nineteen and composing even more music! I guess I will be watching American Idol this time around!! Let's see Scott work what he's got! 

I give everything over to you Lord

"QUOTATIONS"

"I'M NOT EXACTLY WHERE I WANT TO BE, BUT I AM DEFINITELY NOT WHERE I USED TO BE"

I give everything over to You Lord

Reminder

... Let me give you the background story first! 

My cousin was out here, in Arizona, for thanksgiving. Well I was messing around with his phone and I went to his e-mail and saw that he got sent to him Bible verses every morning! So I asked how to sign up, and now my phone, at 5:00 O'clock AM, my phone vibrates with a new Bible verse. 

... SO! 

The point of that is this morning, I got my ritual Bible verse, and sure enough it was about LOVE. 1 John 4:8- "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." It was a wonderful to be woken up by! Actually, yesterday night at Youth Group I gave an encouraging word to the youth for a few minutes about love, God's perfect love, and I feel like I just got a reminder this morning, that He is so good to me. I'm blessed.

I give everything over to You Lord

PERFECT LOVE

Love has been on my heart, and I have been having a beautiful collision with the truth about love. I googled verses on love with curiosity of what might come up. So I scanned the first few sites and it really shed light in a different way then I am used to, on the subject of love.  I first read the verse 1 Corinthians 13:5 - ("It" is referring to love) - "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS." I've read that verse before and it just didn't affect me as much as now, although that may sound bad. But, I read on, in a different web site. The next verse I read was 1 peter 4:8 which say's- "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." So I thought to myself, "Does this mean my love can cover sins? Maybe not necessarily wipe sins away, but just cover the 'wrong doing' or whatever it might be." Then I was praying and just sitting quietly in my room, listen to Brandon Heath's- "Love never fails" and I thought to put God in replace of love. So I did- "Because GOD covers a multitude of sins." Right? God is the only One who can demonstrate perfect love, and I feel like when the verse reads love, it refers to PERFECT LOVE. God's perfect perfect love. The same love that people crave for but instead turn to drinking, drugs, sex, work, and boyfriends/girlfriends. It's sad, and I am one of those people, but God is so good to still love us with His perfect love. So I am still on the journey of what God want's to teach me about love. Possibly demonstrating love better, or, learning what love looks like in my life, it can even be that I haven't fully let God's perfect love overflow and intrude my life in a beautiful way. I'm excited and nervous and I will probably be challenge to love more, but I have a desire to love with a true authenticity. I will challenge you as well, to love people this week with a conscious decision to see lives changed. I believe full heartedly that love can change lives. A perfect example is God sending His son to die on the cross for us out of pure LOVE for His children. 

I give EVERYTHING over to You Lord

Something Important

Here are some photos I just took! Allison is amazing. And, I was just able to capture her beauty to the slightest degree. To see more, to go my photo Blog- 

http://photo-proof08.blogspot.com/

I give everything over to You Lord

Perfect Title

Every time I write.

Every time someone reads me what they write.

Every time I read what someone else wrote.

I feel like it's one of the strongest forms of affection. 

Writing is so personal, so intimate, and often life changing. It has great significance and high value in my eyes. Writing for me, is like a bandage for open wounds, an escape door from life, and a time capsule that reminds you of your past footsteps.  It helps me leave things behind, but it also helps me gout down my newly found thoughts. It's invigorating and challenging to write what you feel, to put into words small descriptions of situations where you, for a second, feel as if you were me. Sometimes the smallest phrases stay lingering in your mind, and it's true, when you write, the smallest things count. It is exciting to find unique way's to add texture and color to words, by combining the oddest combinations of sounds and meanings. To me, that is beautiful. Writing helps you remember, and writing helps you forget. Writing let's you be you.  Spontaneous or suicidal, writing will capture life perfectly while tying it together with a perfect title. Writing is romantic and it can real you in, until you are totally submerged in the journey of words. Writing is breathtaking and knows me well, it's brought me down into a swirling mess but it has lifted me high past the earths crest. Writing. 

I give everything over to You Lord

--- Simple Side

I'm home safe from Colorado, but I have a lot to miss. 

I give everything over to You Lord

The heating may be down again

I am so happy that I have fond memories of some of my friends and myself. Old pictures remind me of how much we have all grown, some apart, some closer, but I am still smiling from these pictures. Years ago seems like just a few weeks ago when I look at these. 

I give everything over to You Lord

It's The Greatest Gift Of All

God is surprising, He is surprising me every day. I used to walk with my head tall heart guarded and a smile that told lies. I never knew a person could break those walls down while I am totally at peace with seeing my old world fall. I am at peace. The hardships I've bared comes to a screeching halt and it feels like my pain is lessoned. I actually never thought I'd be okay with being me, in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening. With makeup, without makeup, dressed up, or baggy sweat pants, I feel like I am worth more then my looks, I'm worth something because of my heart! That's hard to come by, but in fact it has come. I never knew I could look at someone in the eyes for so long without saying anything and feel totally comfortable. He said, "I don't know how you did it, but you did." That's when my heart sunk, my eyes filled with tears.. I did it? He left me with tears in my eyes while I sat on the couch. He left and came back with a black notebook from the other room, and so he began to read. He read me the most beautiful, sweet, heartfelt writing I have heard in a long time. It was about me? Me? I feel blessed when I'm in his company, at peace with just knowing he's in the same room, I feel like somethings missing when he's not there, and to think, we both decided on a friendship. I am so blessed. I don't care if our friendship last only tonight, it has been the most genuine, caring friendship. I threw my heart's concerns at him, and he caught them. He saw those long embedded, scarred, and hurtful tears stream down my face, and he looked at me and wiped them away. I am so blessed. He wakes up in the morning and simply smiles and waves. That is beautiful to me. His heart is beautiful to me. I don't find comfort with my ipod, or with my phone, or even with my computer, it's when I go to bed and I know someone and myself has worked out real life issues and problems that I find comfort. Again, I am blessed. 

I give everything over to you Lord

I am Affected

With a careful eye, and an ever present awareness, I watch with both eyes pealed to their problems. It's hard to put into words and even harder to be around, but I am frustrated and in denial of how much my heart is affected.

I give everything over to You Lord 

Peoples Peddles

Dan and Sheen

Delicate rose peddles grew from only a seed

The same seed that's planted in you and me 

They may be beautiful and tall 

captivating and all 

But for a second they last until somehow they fall

Just as flowers need nourishment to grow

Are heart beats for life striving off only what we know

Sorrow, happiness, pain, or illness

Flowers are given

So try and be this

The storms that seem to send rain drops as bullets 

Damaging the peddles

And destroying with heartless stillness

As we face such aims in our direction

Remember that flowers are also given as affection 

I give everything over to You Lord

2009

I've learned that dreaming is meant for even those who don't think they can dream. 

I questioned my existence

And then questioned my existence again

I broke down in the face of temptation and gave into this world

But now, I stand tall, I no longer shake for my enemy 

I've been set free from captivities life had on me

I'm still breaking other bonds, and it's funny, but I can only see the sight of success

I've been ripped, stretched, pulled, and pushed to accomplish things I didn't think my hands could do, things I never thought my lips could utter

I know the meaning of friends, and still love the ones I lost

I have had shivers sent down my spine

I had some of the hardest decisions in my life stare me straight in the eyes

I have been shown what forgiveness looks like and I've had the opportunity to show forgiveness 

I know how to make new friends, and I enjoy the occasional stranger run in's

Surprisingly, I have soften my heart in many ways

And in other ways I feel like there is granite beating beneath my chest

Being taught that daddy on earth fails compared to the Daddy in Heaven 

I've learned how to identify with my feelings when I am effected by something

I truly learned that I don't want to take my best friends for granted 

Rory, Steph, B, Rae, little Luke, Dan, Katelyn, Allison, Jessica, Louis, Jenelle, Ashley, Kenneth, Danielle, and to anyone else I forgot, I appreciate you beyond belief 

I appreciate my mom, the joy, the lessons, the good example, her willing heart, her beautiful mind, her talented hands, her eagerness to serve, her dedication as a wife, her care for each of her kids.. and those kids who aren't even hers, I am a blessed daughter. 

I learned that I would give up sleep to have late night conversations on the phone with people  

I'm in the process of becoming a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better child that's seeking after her Fathers heart