Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Try This Time

It's like every girl needs protection
Every girl needs a plan
Every girl needs a support group
And... Every girl needs a man

Maybe it's just me
But, I'm still tryin to check those off my list
With open palms, no closed fists
I will dance my way, away from this

I give everything to You Lord



Barrow it

I have heard some people say that God takes things away from you so that you can learn something. Is that true? Does he literally plan to take things away from you, purposely, to fulfill his will? I question that, and probably always will. This morning, I woke up and my mom comes in the house and says, the neighbors car got broken into. So naturally I thought about my car that was in the front yard. I remember, that I, SO WONDERFUL left my 200 dollar ipod and my moms credit card in the car, along with my 200 stereo deck. Well, I didn't think anything happened to my stuff, until I went to my car, to go to school, and I look through my front window and saw my glove compartment open. I opened my car door, and looked inside, and sure enough, my ipod and my moms credit card was gone. Thankfully, they left my stereo deck. Thankfully. I went inside and told my mom, yes, that he credit card was stolen, and she said, "WHAT!" Well, after a few minutes of her releasing her frustration on me, I broke down and started crying. I felt bad, and I didn't know what to do. Yeah, my ipod was stolen, but so what, it's an ipod, and even though I felt really bad, my mom's credit card was stolen, still, so what! And who cares that my 300 dollar phone broke on Saturday. So what! It's just a phone. (I got myspace! .... Totally kidding!)   I feel like I'm losing stuff left and right, and... So what if I do! I don't lose anything that makes me... me. I am not crying for the loss of my mechanical shenanigans, I just feel horrible for the people who did that. Weather it be for fun, or for the slight chance that they need money so they steal stuff to sell it. I feel bad for them. Because they may not realize, that they are the ones at loss. They are losing their credibility, their dignity, their respect, and what they did to me, was... barrow some things from me, forever. I rather that than anything else. So I will pray for them, that their hearts may change, and they can finally see, that there is a better life, and a better way to live it. 
I give everything to you Lord
^-- Which is starting to look like not that much.      : ) 
It's okay though! 

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Beats

I have had little sleep, but I am running off of worship songs and people who love God. That's good right? Well, yes, yeah, I'd say it's a very good thing. What happens though, when I don't play worship music, and I am around secular people. What keeps me going? What do I have that backs me up enough so that I can keep going. Keep running when all I feel like I can do it crawl. I think what keeps me going is the presence of God. No, I can't see him with the naked eye, but he's there, he loses my grip, and pours into my life the energy I need. So I couldn't tell you the exact day, the exact hour, or minute, but I asked God, "Please, send me something so I know your with me." I never said what I wanted him to send me, but I was at a place where I needed something, anything. One day I saw a heart shaped water stain. Cute! Then I thought for a second, "That's what I want you to send me Lord, send me hearts!" I know it has been a lot of months since I have asked God this but sure enough, he keeps sending them my way. I told my 9th grade girls at youth group that I asked God this, and they wanted to know if I try looking for hearts. Well, I don't, I see them at the most random times, and in the most beautifully random ways! The hearts come in the perfect timing though. God has sent one when I was in a poodle of tears, He sent me one when my attitude got the best of me, and even when I just need a little "pick me up," some encouragement! I haven't had my camera with me every time God has send me one, but I do have some photo's of them... Enjoy... Maybe you can find reassurance, that God is everywhere you are, and he is watching closely. His gracious, passionate love abounds all understand. These are more than hearts, they are more of reminders, that He is right by my side...

Afternoon Snack


Washington- Gun Wall


NewYork

Morning Breakfast 
Madi's  counter top
Outside of a movie theater 
Back of a chair at my house
Scottsdale Bible church
Kitchen Floor


I give everything over to you Lord

-C.S. Lewis

". . . self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Streets

I am off to work on the streets for three days.
I will live on a church floor.
Serve.
And probably learn about me. 
Wonderful. 
Pray. Pray. Pray.

I give everything to you Lord.

Still an Angel

I cried it out.
I told him don't go. 
He got off the freeway
I guess it just goes to show.
God is working diligently in his life
He no longer needs protection, no more hidden pocket knife. 
He stopped and choose the right path
Who would have thought though, it all started with math
It wasn't because of me,
I hope he knows
God was just teaching him to stay on his toes.
satan, yeah, he wants him to fail
What he doesn't know, is he is no longer frail. 
I said it before, and I'll say it again
"No beer cans or drugs, no longer a thief or a thug"
God remind him that he was sent from above

I give everything to you Lord

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Try AgAiN

Luck is a game of chance, and you can't afford any more chances. 

I give everything over to You Lord

Take Care Of Yourself

Whatever the mess you are, you’re mine, okay?

Luck is a game of chance, and you can't afford any more chances.
I give everything over to you Lord           

How Long

So I ask myself, how long? Will this pain hang over my head. I wanna scream, "This isn't fair!" But I am kindly reminded that, "Life isn't fair." I weld up with tears last night when Adam, a youth pastor, preached on forgiveness. As my thoughts raced back my 19 years of life, I thought about when I had to forgive. The only thing that came to mind, unfortunately, was the forgiveness I have tried to give to Tucker. Adam put it so precise last night. He said true forgiveness is when you, say "I forgive you, and you don't have to promise you'll never do _____ again, and I will show you grace anyway, even though it hurts and I don't always feel like I want to." So, I've said it before, but I need to remind myself that,  I forgive you, and Tucker, you don't have to promise you'll never break my heart, or hurt me again, and Tucker, I will show you grace anyway, even though it hurts and I don't always feel like I want to. See, I can't count how many times I've said that to myself, and I think I really have forgiven him, until someone treats me the way he has for so long. I would like to say, "... until someone treats me the way he HAD for so long," but he hasn't ever changed. He did, what I like to call, "A drop and run." He left me with the scares, the gaping wounds, and now I have to face the facts. That I don't know when guys are mistreating me, because I have gotten so used to it, the feeling. I don't give guys the opportunity to prove me wrong, because I have never let my guard down enough. So like I said, I want to scream, "This isn't fair," but I already know that. And yes, I'd like to know how long, will I carry this burden of pain. I feel I'm the one to blame for this all, this mess, and I can't help think, "WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENT." Tucker has told my friends, "I don't know why I'm a jerk to her, I just am."  What! You JUST are? I don't get it, he said I'm "Perfect" yet, he can't even treat me like a human. Lost in words, I can honestly say I didn't know I am still this hurt, this bitter, I am so bitter. GOD. I have been here already, I have felt this a thousand times. I can't fight the tears anymore. I feel like I have fought this same battle, time and time again. What will it take to conquer it, to defeat this bearer I have. I have always had this. Yesterday, my friend Angel brought back the feelings I have pushed to the bottom on my heart. The ones I buried with a smile and with laughter. He said, "Sheena I need to be nice to you, I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend to you and Sheena, why do you care so much anyway?" Tucker used to ask me, "Why do you care so much when I treat you like crap?" He has also said he would work on being a better friend to me. I stand back and question when he was even my friend. When I stood by myself at my 16th birthday, he promised he'd be there with me, and when he left my house because I wanted to know why he was upset and he didn't want to tell me why, so he got mad. Or when I went to his house when he was sick, and got him coffee, I couldn't tell you one time I was sick that Tucker even visited. When he wanted me to take pictures of him, I did, and he JUST wasn't satisfied enough, he just disregarded them. When he said, "Sheena, I'd treat you better if you were my girlfriend." What kind of psychopath do you have to be, to say that to a girls face. Even through all of that, God says that no sin is great than another. So everything I have done, measures up JUST equal to Tucker. Do I have a right to be hurt than, or be bitter? Because I'm sure I have caused someone to feel the way he has made me feel? Why do I spend so much time questioning everything when it comes to Tucker? I think it's because he's done a brilliant job at making me feel so insecure, inadequate, worthless, and ugly. So I promise to keep trying. Even though I don't know how long it will take, I will fight the urge that says, "Don't forgive." 
I give everything over to you Lord

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

She Fights

"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, "Aw crap. She's up!"

I needed that!

I give everything over to you Lord

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Music to my ears

"You’re not scared of the dark.
You’re afraid of what’s in it.

You’re not afraid of heights.
You’re afraid of falling.

You’re not afraid of people around you.
You’re just afraid of rejection.

You’re not afraid to love.
You’re just afraid of not being loved back.

And you’re not afraid to try again.
You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason."

I give everything over to you Lord

Monday, October 20, 2008

Everything Hoped For

This is what I've been meaning to say.
I just couldn't find the words.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweat and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. and most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I give everything over to you Lord

For Better Or For Worse

It's that feeling that yells in your face, "GIVE UP, IT'S NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR." That voice that screams insecurity, no longer yells in the face of the two who are dedicated to God. They made it this far, and they will continue to do just that... Make it! They we're told "NO" to everything they wanted when they were younger, look at them now. Hand in hand, they are fighting this thing together. This whole... life thing. Dedication. So to the devil, who thought he might have a chance at breaking this unexplainable bond between, these two beautifully explainable people, he lost. The devil. Once again, he was thrown under the bus, smashed beneath the soles of their shoes, laughed at in reassurance that God is Lord, and He IS sovereign. They have made it this far, they have shed their share of tears, laughed without any cares, dedicated with countless fears. So life was never promised to get easier, no, that was never guaranteed, yet, that love that burns within them, past the sheets of bed, they run on the fuel of God. The love for each other. The kiss in the morning, and the kiss at night. The silent moments, this remarkable sight. The hair can change color, and his things can be put back, their not lost, they are no longer trapped. Sing. For joy. Out loud. Once a day. To remember, everything WILL be OKAY.
I give everything over to you Lord

Guessing Game

What makes it tick
What makes it tock
What makes friends
... and and and
What makes them not

I give everything over to you Lord


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Captivating

I put my thoughts on paper, I have written them out into words
I've tried my best to be someone is this spinning out of control world.
I've told half truth's and white lies
I have had meaningless hello's and heart breaking goodbyes.
I have seen my pain stare me straight in the eyes, 
I have heard it before, the, "Suck it up, don't cry."
I had the boy who treated me like dirty
I was still there even though he continued to flirt.
I have felt trapped in this 5 walled room
I have also felt free enough to whistle my favorite tune.
I've had my, "Been there, done that"
I am ready to shake the mold of feeling trapped.
I was also told, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Why does it feel so alone then, the air is growing colder and colder.
The Simple Side, I will always remember
August, June, March, December.

I give everything over to you Lord

...

NEVER MIND
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

I give everything over to you Lord

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Luckless Romance

What's the purpose of feeling this way?
 Are these butterflies in my stomach? How long are they planning to stay?
I don't want anyone consuming my mind right now. Not at this point in my life. Especially not a young man. I'm so vulnerable, and weak at the knees, that even his smile can make my heart skip a beat. Being vulnerable for your husband is a totally different story, it's good to be open, completely, just not for a crush, an "interest." The thing that gets me... is... that when he calls me sweetie, he's called 10 other girls that as well. When he laughs with me and said he loves me, he has loved someone else deeper than me. When he says he misses me more, he doesn't know thais the furthest thing from the truth. I miss him more. It's his hands on my skin, my heart in my hands. He looks at other girls, and likes doing it, so ask me why. Why in the world would I be drown to him. His presence is amazingly attractive, eye catching, and beautiful. His heart, is extremely sensitive, but he stands tall like a young man. I adore his walk and the way he talks, he doesn't know I want to care of him. I don't want him to know I already do. So his jokes about other girls, I will just brush them off, and I will watch the girls have him, instead of me. I just care a little to much maybe. At least that's what I've been told. I will still be there, his forever friend. I won't hurt when he falls for a beautiful girl, I will be happy, I just know he's still apart of my world. 
I give everything over to you Lord

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fight to Write. Right to Fight?

My words are the pen, 
And your brain is the paper
You soak up every word 
These thoughts don't turn into vapor 
Remember I write to stay alive
And if I die, while, at least I tried. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Mr. Starks

I have come to realize the distance and the bitter heart I have put up toward my dad. I can't even give him a normal hug. I always put my shoulder into his chest, and pat his twice on the back. That's not exactly the most inviting hug. It goes beyond that though. I don't look forward to seeing him when he's home, he goes on trips and I can finally breathe and stop trying to avoid and run away from him. I fear that he might want to talk. There has been things done, not directly to me that has caused this wall to get 100 feet tall. On the flip side, there has also been things done directly to me. So what is it? More like... what is it not? First and foremost, I have never felt as though I am welcomed in the arms of my dad. Sometimes it's even hard for me to call him dad. I have never felt invited into a safe and secure "Daddies arms." I can't sit here and go through the 19 years of my life, and pick out every detail where I have gotten hurt, but I can say through my 19 years of life, I have been hurt. I haven't ever tried to look for a guy, to date, that has been remotely close to my dad. Isn't it supposed to be the other way, trying to find a guy just like, "Daddy." Okay, what else has it been? To be honest, this is the main one, that hasn't been directly toward me, but has hurt the worst and the one that has totally shut my heart off to opening up to him. His relationship with my mom. I am scared to even start writing about that. Oh, but I will. My dad has never been someone I admire, which I have just not come to realize. My mom on the other hand, is someone I admire, and adore. She has been so mistreated by my dad. Don't get me wrong while I write this, my dad has never been abusive, but he hasn't cared for my mom as he should or could. He doesn't work for her anymore, I feel like he is always complaining. I honestly don't care if he has been gone for a week on a trip, he still has the responsibility to taking care of HIS WIFE. He doesn't take her out on dates anymore, he won't help around the house allot of the time, and my mom is stuck with everything on her shoulders. My mom has given up her life, literally, to homeschool my brother, sister, and myself. Now she doesn't even know what she wants to do with her life, she doesn't have a dream or aspirations, and you best believe she is trying to figure out her life BY HERSELF. I have so many pent up feelings I'm going to stop now. God please protect my mommies heart. Please. I.N.E.E.D.Y.O.U
I give everything over to you Lord 

Truth

I will keep my heart in a locket and let it dangle around my neck. I will capitalize on every moment and do my best to not fit in. I will still be a willing hand to reach down and pull you up. I can't promise I'll be one of your best friends, but I know I will always love you as if I were. Now some people think I have got it all together, behind the smile, I am struggling with the same situations. Impatient, that should have been my middle name, along with, rude, cold hearted, unforgiving, bitter, and selfish. Instead I got Christine. Who would have thought, the very hands I have could do damage beyond measure, and also create some of the most interesting things. I didn't know my feet would get me noticed, and I never thought dancing would have been my thing. I will capitalize on every moment. 
I give everything over to you Lord

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Deep Sighs

You wake up, and you take another breath, another gasp of life. Then you remember, your still in this pit, this narrow dark pathway, your living hell. Yes, you inhaled once again, to remember, that you are here, stuck under this pile of garbage and the weights of this so called 'world.' You woke up for this? Stumbling into the bathroom, you look in the mirror, and it feels like every mussel and bone in your body suddenly lost all strength and your body collapses underneath you. Your palms smack the tile, your knees shatter from the fall, and your head follows after with a loud thump. The puddle around your shivering head is the tears you have cried, meaningful though, I have to admit. Don't feel bad, the tears tell the story of your life, and how everyday... yes... every single day that you have endured pain, gut wrenching disappointment... the world smiles back and say's "Welcome to failure." As you slide your body up against the cabinet, your head falls back being caught by the wall. You don't feel pain anymore. Chris-crossed arms, your fingers inch their way up to your shoulders, then slide down with nails digging into the flesh, the place you call "Home." As blood seeps to the surface your eyes roll back in your head, "Brilliant," you say it again but louder, "Brilliant!" You run your fingers through your hair softly, and then you pull, as hard as you can, hoping to feel something. "Ahhhh!" Don't be mistaken, screaming won't help either. Oh yes, you're trapped, trapped inside this hollow, empty, unfulfilled, waste of space... life. Tick-Tock. The clock isn't going to wait up, you mine as well except the fact that you can no longer contain your feelings. You're already forgotten, never missed, the clocks gonna strike twelve, so go ahead and toast to this.


I give everything over to you Lord

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sunset Boulevard

Take my hand, open your mind, and dream for a minute with me. 

I give everything over to you Lord

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Love's Trust
































I Still got hope that maybe they will trust me. Maybe they will open up. Or maybe I'm just not ready 
I give everything over to you Lord

Korn



I was watching the 700's club on TV this morning and I was pleasantly surprised to see the man on the far left on the show, telling his testimony and showing how God has changed his life. This man was in a hard core rock band. Drugs, fame, and a wife. Still empty though. As he began to say he has a little girl and she wanted to be a good father, and he finally woke up and saw that he needed God. He's off drugs, taking care of his little girl, although the wife is not involved, I had a good reminder, God is still real. Someone who was so far from God and was living such a secular life can wake up and want a personal, real relationship with God. There is hope. I have faith. Although this man from Korn had been saved a few years back, it was good to be reminded of such an amazing God moment. 
I give everything over to you Lord

Monday, October 6, 2008

Real Death

September 29, 2008
He died... 
I didn't write on the date cause I guess I didn't know what to say
...Bruce 
He said he made his relationship right with Lord
I believe him.
Death is Real

I give everything over to you Lord 

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I'm a sucker for love

I have realized after spending time with a few women, very close to me, I don't appreciate the world right now. Okay, let me clarify, not the actual plant, more so the fleshly desires of man. Sin, put bluntly. I don't remember ever thinking of things so dramatic and heart breaking in this world. I remember when I actually thought life was "good", when their wasn't affairs from left to right, fiances could actually commit to their "soon to be's", cutting was in the same sentences with fruits and vegetables, not skin. I remember when boyfriends didn't stab their girlfriends in the heart, after a five year long relationship, nope, I really couldn't remember that happening either. Oh yeah, also, when a man married a women, once, not these "Oh it's my forth marriage actually" type of stuff. Stupid. I remember why I am single and loving it. Lonely and enjoying it. Heart broken and denying it. This place is a battle field, no wonder people always have their guard up, never trust, hate men, yet love alcohol, drugs, sex, sin. 
Lust or Love?
I give everything over to you Lord 

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sa Har? So Far-

Brilliant, yes, she's got the DNA of a genius 
Beauty on the inside, although few have seen this. 
For every lonely nights she cried
There is a sigh of relief deep inside 
Her life is what made her like this
Powerfully attractive, this beautiful bliss
She's strong, yes, she carries herself well
There is secrets inside of her that she has yet to tell
Anger against men, she has every right to feel this way
Justice will be served, not right now, but one day
Until then, she grasps on to everything that makes her feel free
She sets herself apart but she still can relate to me
Pure... she knows exactly how she wants to live
Won't bug, no, she won't give
So, she will stand tall another day 
Speaking elegantly and knowing exactly what she wants to say


I give everything over to you Lord

The "Angel" on earth

He tries to find his place in this world 
Doesn't know, brain swirled, keeps going almost hurled
Thoughts race back and forth 
Tracing his life, south, east, west, north
Searching for significance 
Knowing he was made for more than this
He knows this life wont last forever
It still means something now though, he just can't find his lever 
Light hearted young man, dedicated, yet, still finding out his plan 
God still smiles down on him everyday
Praying, "I hope my Angle wont sway"
No beer cans or drugs, no longer a thief or a thug
One day, he will fight full heartedly  
For the God he knows is there, although no eye can see
He will kick and scream for God's will in his life
There will be tears, pain, and strife.
When he gets to the pearly gates
God will say Angel, "Thank you for setting your life straight."

I give everything over to you Lord


Speak Up- I can't hear you

School is in session still, and I had received my first assignment in my public speaking class a week or so ago.. Well today, I had to present. It was a simple assignment requiring each student to bring in three item's, of significance, and talk about them. No typed out papers, but openly talking about three items. As I started the brainstorming process to think of what has importance to me I thought of photography. Okay! Got one down. Dance? Yeah, dance! Two down! Hum... Well, God of course! But God? At my school? Plus, how am I supposed to express the significance of God in my life without going over my five minutes time slot. Okay God, I'll do it. I wasn't ashamed, more fearful of the reactions I would get, I guess.  I thought, for a second before entering my class, that I would be the only one who would talk about "religion" (I hate that world), my relationship with the Lord. To my, extremely pleasant surprise, a young man who had been in my english class the first semester of college brought his Bible and talked about how God is first and foremost in his life. With a sign of relief, I smiled. Next girl went, right before me, and she as well, said how God was a prime factor of how she keeps going through this life. Again, I smiled, and that feeling I had before class, the one where I felt like I was going to be alone in this, it left, I wasn't alone. "Sheena, your up!" I walked up and started by telling my classmates the passion I had for photography, then... next... My faith, my personal and real relationship with God. Again, having the reassurance that I wasn't alone.
I give everything over to you Lord

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Just Live Your Life

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate, our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
So I've lived my life, and yes, he's lived his
Still single, we haven't had a good bid 
Loneliness is only a fraction of what we feel
We're still powerful and beautifully real
The distance has not shook our friendship 
And time has been on our side
We've withstood even through this so called, "high tide"

I give everything over to you Lord

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The First

I can't wait for the time when my heart skips a beat. I can't wait until I fall asleep listening to your voice on the phone, and wake listening to it as well. I am thrilled to know he's out there. I can't wait to call him my love and laugh with each other. I want him to poke my side and I look at him like, "Excuse me mister!!" I am shaking at the thought of saying I love you to someone. The first kiss, the first hand hold, the first date, the first dance, the first. Our sarcastic jokes covering the truth of our undying love for each other. Our little winks across the room. Stokes and smiles. Nudges and nicknames. I'm waiting for you!